为了第五次雅思,每天一篇作文求批改

david_c

截止目前已经考过4次雅思了,前后准备也已经一年多,但是作文成绩没超过5.5分,眼看7.1大界将至,心急如焚,决定通过论坛的方式督促自己每天坚持练笔,离3月19号的第五次雅思仅剩19天,因此我决定每天写一篇贴到论坛来,希望各位前辈同仁帮忙修改指正.
这是第一篇,立帖明志. 希望大家多多帮忙,先谢过了.

Writing1(2011-02-27)
Some people tend to take temporary jobs (they only work for few month of year), for they have time to do other things. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

In current society, an increasing number of people choose temporary jobs with an aim to enjoy their spare time as much as they can. Admittedly, temporary job can bring them more freedom, however, it also means risk in their daily life.

Temporary jobs are able to bring many advantages. Firstly, there are only several months need to work, therefore, the left time can be used to do anything they are pleased to do. Especially for the one who likes travelling can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job. Secondly, you never need to worry about whether this job suits you or not, because you will just stay here for a limited period. You will enjoy it if you like it, otherwise you just need bear to get travelling expenses before leaving here. Obviously, in this situation you are the real master of job.

Admittedly, the income of temporary job is less than the long-term one, especially in terms of bonus. Companies would like to pay higher bonus at the end of the year to encourage their employees for their hard-working and loyalty. On the other hand, the cost of training newcomers is so expensive and the business also needs to be developed continually. Therefore, at the same condition, it is more difficult for the one who prefer to temporary jobs to find a new job and to get a higher payment than others.

In my opinion, whether temporary jobs should be chosen surely depends on what kind of lifestyle you want to pursue. Different people have different perspectives, just like fish living in the sea and horse running on the pasture. You cannot make the fish live on the pasture, and you also cannot force the tiger to eat grass.

In conclusion, it is hard to say whether the merits of temporary jobs outnumber its demerit, and it depends on the personality and the character of a person.

[ 本帖最后由 david_c 于 27-2-2011 22:47 编辑 ]

wendy_wwz

lz
总觉得写的有点别扭~~如下仅仅是个人意见，供参考
Admittedly, temporary job can bring them more freedom, FREEDOM用的太别扭了~~
with an aim to enjoy their spare time as much as they can. 临工的就是为了更好的享受空闲时间？？

个人觉得你想论述的是临时的工作会有更多的空余时间去支配，但是这么写的话，似乎意思有偏颇~~

esta0823

大概看了下，首先你要阐述自己的观点，你认为是好还是坏或是一半一半，然后用下面的段落来支持你的观点。
另外，在写作里不要用“you”，最好用some people和they
最后由始至终你都没有说你的观点，只是说depends on
说实话，这个文章没有6分不意外 希望LZ别介意

esta0823

另外，current society非常chinese，最好用modern society，还有LZ的语法比较chinese，LZ可以多看看 native speaker的文章对句型和语法很有帮助的

david_c

非常感谢给位的宝贵意见,自己确实很难发现自己的问题,希望大家多批评指正,多谢多谢.

yrqin

说句实话，楼主你的写作水平是比较差的。当务之急是要 1. 尽量减少低级语法错误和减少chinglish 2. 弄清楚学术类文章在结构上的基本要求


至于如何提高写复杂句子的能力，如何使用高级词汇，暂时不用考虑了。等把以上两个主要的，也是致命的问题解决了再说。


怎么解决问题 1 ：
1. 回头恶补最基础的语法，像这种句子‘there are only several months need to work【从句用法错误】’ 和‘Especially for the one who likes travelling can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job.【只有状语，没有主谓】’，以及‘it is more difficult for the one who prefer to temporary jobs 【从句主谓不一致】’，再也不要出现了，
2. 争取‘做到没见过的表达不要写，没把握的不要写’，那没东西写了怎么办？ 查字典（书上的或网上的）和例句。如，prefer的用法‘who prefer to temporary jobs’，如‘In current society’的提法，如‘at the same condition’，查查再写

至于问题2 ：我觉得比问题1还要严重，简直就是完全不符合雅思作文的写作要求。以下是我的一些看法

In current society, an increasing number of people choose temporary jobs with an aim to enjoy their spare time as much as they can. Admittedly, temporary job can bring them more freedom, however, it also means risk in their daily life. [开头段一般模式：背景介绍，问题的引入，明确提出我的观点]【你这里写的一塌糊涂】

Temporary jobs are able to bring many advantages. Firstly, there are only several months need to work, therefore, the left time can be used to do anything they are pleased to do. Especially for the one who likes travelling can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job. Secondly, you never need to worry about whether this job suits you or not, because you will just stay here for a limited period. You will enjoy it if you like it, otherwise you just need bear to get travelling expenses before leaving here. Obviously, in this situation you are the real master of job.
[主体段一般模式：对应开头段‘我的观点’，第一句为主题句，一定要对应或支持自己观点。接下来就是展开了]【由于开头段写的糟糕，没法将这段与开头段对应起来。不过单就这段而言，还算过得去，比较紧扣主题句】

Admittedly, the income of temporary job is less than the long-term one, especially in terms of bonus. Companies would like to pay higher bonus at the end of the year to encourage their employees for their hard-working and loyalty. On the other hand, the cost of training newcomers is so expensive and the business also needs to be developed continually. Therefore, at the same condition, it is more difficult for the one who prefer to temporary jobs to find a new job and to get a higher payment than others.
[主体段2：没有主题句或主题句写的不好，不能很好地概况到后面的阐述，这段是写缺点呢，还是照应开头段的‘risk in their daily life’呢？没有由主题句点出来]

In my opinion, whether temporary jobs should be chosen surely depends on what kind of lifestyle you want to pursue. Different people have different perspectives, just like fish living in the sea and horse running on the pasture. You cannot make the fish live on the pasture, and you also cannot force the tiger to eat grass. 【这一段是空话太多了，不如前面两段实际，学术文章讲究的是论证过程，不是空想。你必须要实实在在地支持自己观点。我认为这一段可以省去，然后把前面两个主体段写得再丰满一些】

In conclusion, it is hard to say whether the merits of temporary jobs outnumber its demerit, and it depends on the personality and the character of a person.【1.开头段和结尾段应该照应，这里写得太乱了，没法评论 2. 应该明确给出自己看法，如果你真的认为‘it depends on the personality and the character of a person’，应该在开头段就表明，然后用2到3个主体段论证自己的观点，切记要紧扣自己的观点，你可以说一段哪一类人适合做temporary jobs，原因有哪些，再说一段什么样的人不适合做temporary jobs，原因有哪些。只有这样才算符合学术类文章的要求，不能天马行空，不着边际。】


现在是不是觉得自己写的文章乱七八糟，不知所云啊

以上两大问题是很致命的，楼主多多思考下吧，最好对照着雅思作文的详细的评分准则，按照那个准则来写文章，准没错的。

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 28-2-2011 13:33 编辑 ]

david_c

非常感谢你详细的点评,获益匪浅啊,之前一直不知问题在哪,尽管现在还不是很理解,但是至少看到了方向

我爱polo

我的作文是半年多才艰难的从5.5迈到6
运气是一个方面 水平也是一个方面

我大概看了一点你的作文
感觉你对于用词还是很用心的
但是我认为
词不够高级
没关系
意思得表达的不清楚
是有大问题的

观点摆明确
这一句和下一句之间的逻辑关系要清楚
通过适当的连词
整篇文章应高至少是通顺的
既然第一句说了支持这个观点
那么下面分着几个句子就要句句见血
不能打偏了

yrqin

楼主不要灰心，加油写吧，每天写一篇应该也是很有帮助的。

不过注意要多修改，写作水平很多时候是在修改自己写的文章的同时，不知不觉提高的。只知道写是不够的，那更多的只是在练熟练度。遣词造句的水平的提高在于不断修改，只有修改的时候才会去好好的发现问题，并集中解决问题；对于文章结构的把握，也是要在自己写的基础，进行改造，才能真正理解文章的内在联系和结构的布局安排。

其实5.5到6的距离很近了，好好把握下，19号这次说不定就全搞定了

david_c

看了你的点评感觉获益匪浅,之前一直不知道问题在哪里,后面我会在写新作文的同时,修改之前写过的论文,如果有时间欢迎随时来点评我的作文,多谢.

我爱polo

楼主
你的口语成绩也起伏太大了点……

xiaoxiaobull

搂主很有潜力。
但是打个比方，就像一个功力不太深厚的人 却学会了一些高深的武功，练出来的功就不伦不类了。

建议搂住先写一些朴实无华的句子，生僻词不要用。不要把句子弄得太长了，太长了需要水平的，水平不高就一下子露马脚了。

david_c

原帖由 我爱polo 于 28-2-2011 11:15 发表

                               
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楼主
你的口语成绩也起伏太大了点……

我也挺奇怪,之前的外教都说我在6.5分左右,这次不知道怎么搞的变成5分了.可能还是跟作文一样,基础不够扎实吧.

david_c

there are only several months need to work【从句用法错误】
这个错误怎么修改呢,我想了半天都没想出来.
和‘Especially for the one who likes travelling can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job.【只有状语，没有主谓】’
Especially for the one  likes travelling,he can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job.
以及‘it is more difficult for the one who prefer to temporary jobs 【从句主谓不一致】’
it is more difficult for the one who prefers  temporary jobs ..

请问,以上修改是不是正确.

ricking

there are only several months need to work【从句用法错误】
这个错误怎么修改呢,我想了半天都没想出来.

-》1. there are only several months (that) casual workers need to work for
2. there are only several months to work for
3. there are only several months needed to work for
4. there are only several months required to work for
5. casual workers need to work for only several months.
6. casual workers only need to work for several months.

下面的句子之前的语法错应该改过来了。

和‘Especially for the one who likes travelling can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job.【只有状语，没有主谓】’
Especially for the one  likes travelling,he can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job.
以及‘it is more difficult for the one who prefer to temporary jobs 【从句主谓不一致】’
it is more difficult for the one who prefers  temporary jobs ..

[ 本帖最后由 ricking 于 28-2-2011 16:18 编辑 ]

ricking

lz 加油！共勉！
同是天涯烤鸭人

ricking

严重同意

原帖由 xiaoxiaobull 于 28-2-2011 15:00 发表

                               
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搂主很有潜力。
但是打个比方，就像一个功力不太深厚的人 却学会了一些高深的武功，练出来的功就不伦不类了。

建议搂住先写一些朴实无华的句子，生僻词不要用。不要把句子弄得太长了，太长了需要水平的，水平不高 ...

nobig345

受益非浅，牛人！

刘克家

三丫后为何没有复议？
失去一次4个6的机会。
不怕，3.19就过关了。

shan8006

加油！坚持住。我已经连写了两个多月了。

david_c

重写昨天的题目,希望大家不吝赐教


Some people tend to take temporary jobs (they only work for few month of year), for they have time to do other things. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

In modern society, an increasing number of people choose temporary jobs with a variety of reasons. However, whether the merits of temporary jobs outnumber its demerits has sparked heated debate. In my opinion, it is not advisable to draw an arbitrary conclusion, because it depends on the personality and character of a person.

Temporary jobs are really suitable for these who want to have more spare time to enjoy a more colorful and interesting life. To begin with, there are only several months that temporary workers need to work for, therefore, the left time can be used to do anything they are pleased to do. Especially for the one likes travelling, he can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job. Moreover, you never need to worry about whether this job suits you or not, because you will just stay here for a limited period. You will enjoy it if you like it, otherwise you need bear to get travelling expenses before leaving here. Obviously, in this situation you are the real master of job, and these people can benefit a great deal from temporary jobs

By contrast, temporary jobs do not suit these people who want to have stable and rich life. First, the income of temporary job is obviously less than the long-term one, especially in terms of bonus. Companies would like to pay higher bonus at the end of the year to encourage their employees for their hard-working and loyalty. Secondly, the cost of training newcomers is so expensive and the business also need to be continually developed, therefore, it is more difficult for the one who prefers temporary jobs to find a new job and to get a higher payment.

In conclusion, whether or not the advantages of temporary jobs outnumber the disadvantages depends on the personalities of people. Different people have different perspectives, so it is hard to draw a definite conclusion.

david_c

原帖由 shan8006 于 28-2-2011 18:12 发表

                               
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加油！坚持住。我已经连写了两个多月了。

向你致敬,下一次我们同一天考,加油.

yrqin

楼主精神可嘉

读下来，感觉文章顺畅多了，比起昨天的起码上了一档次。

这里再挑出些小毛病：

In modern society, an increasing number of people choose temporary jobs with a variety of reasons. However, whether the merits of temporary jobs outnumber its demerits has sparked heated debate. In my opinion, it is not advisable to draw an arbitrary conclusion, because it depends on the personality and character of a person.

Temporary jobs are really suitable for these 【应为those】 who want to have more spare time to enjoy a more colorful and interesting life. To begin with, there are only several months that temporary workers need to work for, therefore, the left time can be used to do anything they are pleased to do. Especially for the one likes travelling, he can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job. Moreover, 【感觉主题句并不能很好的把下面提的这种情况包含进来，这里有两种可能：1. 主题句的论点概括得不好 或 2. 你的论据不能很好很准确地支持你的论点。 这里的论据可以支持你的整篇文章的总观点，但是却不在这个主体段的讨论范围内，算是有点跑偏了】you never need to worry about whether this job suits you or not, because you will just stay here for a limited period. You will enjoy it if you like it, otherwise you need bear to get travelling expenses before leaving here. Obviously, in this situation you are the real master of job, and these people can benefit a great deal from temporary jobs

By contrast, temporary jobs do not suit these 【应为those】 people who want to have 【缺冠词 a】stable and rich life. First, the income of temporary job is obviously 【学术类文章慎用obviously，certainly，absolutely， will ... 之类的语气过强的词，应该用should, would, could, probably, possibly, is likely, almost, mostly等等，称之为tentative写法，是学术文章的一个基本要求】 less than the long-term one, especially in terms of bonus. Companies would like to pay higher bonus at the end of the year to encourage their employees for their hard-working and loyalty. Secondly, the cost of training newcomers is so expensive and the business also need to be continually developed, therefore【therefore一般是总起新的一句，这里应该断句了】, it is more difficult for the one who prefers temporary jobs to find a new job and to get a higher payment.

In conclusion, whether or not the advantages of temporary jobs outnumber the disadvantages depends on the personalities of people. Different people have different perspectives, so 【so比较口语化，用当然也没问题，但是用therefore，thus，as a result之类的词更好】 it is hard to draw a definite conclusion.

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 1-3-2011 13:04 编辑 ]

david_c

多谢你的点评,感激之情难以言表!
你的评价非常专业,我从中受益匪浅啊
之前只知道需要论点论据,但是具体改怎么的论据支持怎样的论点,一点概念没有,现在清楚多了.
太感激楼上了.

david_c

Writing 3[2011.3.1] 步入三月了,离考试越来越近了
Some people believe that the charity organizations should give aid to those in greatest need, wherever they live. Some people believe that the charity organizations would be better concentrate on helping people who live in own country instead. Discuss both views, and give your opinion.


With the speeding up of globalization, the whole world is increasingly tending to be a big family. Charity organizations from different countries are doing their utmost to assist victims who need assistance all over the world. The debate about whether charity groups should help foreign countries has been fuelled by the increase of disasters which happened recently.

Someone hold the viewpoint that every country which encounters disasters should be helped immediately by the charity groups. On the one hand, the development of economy is unbalanced in the world. Facing with disasters, it is manifest that the developed countries are capable of dealing with disasters by themselves, while some developing countries cannot support themselves. On the other hand, most people have the instincts to help others. When they hear on the news that some people are suffering from the disaster or disease, they wholeheartedly want to give their aids.

By contrast, others advocate that charity groups should devote themselves to domestic events. Especially for undeveloped countries, they should save their limited outlay to help the victims in their own country. For example, some politicians for some special purpose denote the organization’s money to support the reconstruction of other counties which encountered earthquake or other disasters, while some areas of their own country are suffering from disaster and lack fund.

In my opinion, people should assistant those who are facing with problems, rather than considering the nationality of victims. However, they should base on their capability of giving aids and should not take any political purpose into the assistance. Therefore, whether charity groups should help other countries depends on whether the country has the ability to help others.

yrqin

With the speeding up of globalization, the whole world is increasingly tending to be a big family. Charity organizations from different countries are doing their utmost to assist victims who need assistance all over the world. The debate about whether charity groups should help foreign countries has been fuelled by the increase of disasters which happened recently.【这里明显漏了一句，紧接着就应该立刻明确提出自己的观点了，和结尾的观点应该是一摸一样的，这就需要同义转换的技巧，是雅思作文的一个很大的考点。】

Someone hold[s] the viewpoint that every country which encounters disasters should be helped immediately by the charity groups. On the one hand, the development of economy is unbalanced in the world. Facing with disasters, it is manifest[=obvious,慎用] that the developed countries are capable of dealing with disasters by themselves, while some developing countries cannot support themselves. On the other hand, most people have the instincts to help others. When they hear on the news that some people are suffering from the disaster or disease, they whole heartedly want to give their aids.

By contrast, others advocate that charity groups should devote themselves to domestic events. Especially for undeveloped countries, they should save their limited outlay to help the victims in their own country. For example, some politicians denote[donate?use?] the organization’s money to support the reconstruction of other counties which encountered earthquake or other disasters [for some special purpose[s]] [, like ... ,]  while some areas of their own country are suffering from [similar] disaster[s] and lack [of] fund.

[However,] In my opinion, [although] people should assistant[->assist] those who are facing [with,去掉] problems, rather than considering the nationality of victims [. However删去], they should base on their capability of giving aids and should not take any political purpose into the assistance. Therefore, whether charity groups should help other countries depends on whether the country has the ability to help others.【结尾的观点应该在开头段的就明确提出一次，这里是照应，做同义转换】


总体来说比第一篇作文的第一稿好很多了，读起来也顺很多。语法小错有一些，遣词造句上还有不少可以斟酌的地方。
此外就是逻辑上还要多作推敲推敲，因为两个主体段的讨论并不能比较自然地得出你结尾段提到的结论。因而感觉说服力不强。开头段没有直接表明自己的观点也是一个小小的遗憾，不然流畅度还能更高。
尽管如此，文章写得还是不错的，和第一篇作文的第一稿相比有了很大进步。

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 2-3-2011 09:47 编辑 ]

yan1125

there are only several months need to work
这句话很明显不对啊。delete need

david_c

一大早起来第一件事就是看看你有没有来,万分感谢,此处略去1万字.还是感谢.
总之,有机会我一定要请你吃饭.

我现在写的时候努力按照你说的那种结构来构思,但是还是感觉不熟练,现在想想确实我中文的论文都没这样写过,我这个人比较随性,写作也是,写到哪想到哪,写完之后往往完后不搭调,这个毛病得好好客服客服.

这个题目我有些疑问,就是他希望你说说各个观点,然后给出你的观点, 那在写作中,这个你的观点就是结尾吗,还是需要在结尾之外另加一段单独说你的观点.
上次一个外教和我说,结论就是结论,不能在结尾段提出新的观点,结尾段需要简洁,所以这里我感觉很困惑.

yrqin

原帖由 david_c 于 2-3-2011 11:15 发表

                               
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一大早起来第一件事就是看看你有没有来,万分感谢,此处略去1万字.还是感谢.
总之,有机会我一定要请你吃饭.

我现在写的时候努力按照你说的那种结构来构思,但是还是感觉不熟练,现在想想确实我中文的论文都没这样写过 ...

呵呵，不客气。。

构思你可以参考小姨10天作文的三种构思方法，尤其是裸奔法，很绝的。

另外你的外教说的一点也没错，结尾只能总结，也需要简洁，不能出新的东西。但是结尾很重要一点就是考你的同义转换，就是把自己观点用不同方式表达出来，我感觉这是结尾的一个重要得分点。结尾一般的结构是：一句话总结两个主体段的主要论点，如果能把主要论据也总结进来，甚好！切记一点就是同义转换，不然拿不到更多的分数。再来一句话重申自己的观点，同样是考你同义转换的能力。结尾段大概是这样的结构：【Overall/To conclude/In conclusion/To sum up, blablabla总结两个主体段. Therefore/Consequently/Hence/As a result, blablabla重申总的观点】. 总而言之，同义转换在雅思作文考试里非常重要，也是写作水平的一个重要体现。当然同义转换时要小心了，不能把新的东西加进来，因为结尾段的功能就是总结前文。如果有能力的话，也可以做些展望，但是那个是不好把握的，所以不推荐了。

至于你的另一个疑问，在哪里提出自己的观点。一般是两个地方：开头段和结尾段。显然你这里开头段没有做到，于是也就没有了同义转换在里面了。在开头就明确提出自己的观点，主要原因是：学术类文章讲究的是predictable，easy to understand。尤其是predictable，读者应该能随时猜到文章后面大概要讲些什么内容。其实和主体段要求首句或第二句就是主题句是一个道理（对于主体段第二句是主题句的情形，需要对第一句（Introductory Sentence）的写法有一定了解才行，不然就总是第一句为主题句就ok了）。

也有一些范文，只有结尾部分提出自己的总的观点，那个我没怎么研究过，如果你有兴趣，可以看看那些范文。

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 2-3-2011 15:51 编辑 ]

我爱polo

还有可以参考
澳大利亚人写的
雅思九分写作

至少很清楚的看出来5分和7分作文的差距