请大家帮忙看看cover letter这样写可以吗？

bobwat168

Plz help me to edit my cover letter....I graduated in early 2008 and I am unemployed now .......

I would like to express my interest for the position of xxxxx as advertised on xxxxx on xxxx 2009. It caught my attention as it provides variety across a wide range of accounting exposures and endless opportunities for development. I am keen to learn and most enthusiastic about the opportunity to build upon my foundations in accounting. My first plan is to take CPA program. I have been seeking just such an opportunity as this.

My experience was gathered from my half-year term as an account assistant in a CPA accounting firm, half-year term as an account assistant in Pearl Wong Pty Ltd, half-year term as an account assistant in Global Education Marketing Consultant Pty Ltd and three months as an account intern in Powerhouse Logistics. I gained a great amount of professional business acumen and knowledge of accounting in both accounting firm and commercial environment.

The experiences also strengthen my communication and computer skills. I was required to follow up more than 100 outstanding invoices and contracted clients everyday via email or over phone when I worked in Powerhouse Logistics. Enterprise and MYOB were the major software I used in my pervious jobs. Most importantly, I always finished the jobs on time and without errors. I also required preparing reports using Microsoft Excel and PowerPoint each week. I received a very good response from my mentor and general manager at the end of internship.

Examples of specific achievements are:
        Reduced the average turnaround time for invoices from 32 to 24 days
        Reduced client complaints 60 to 40 calls per month by improving service quality and strong customer focus
        Successfully finished all registrations and journal entries before deadline every month
        Reducing number of days required to complete Powerhouse Logistics monthly report from 5 days to 2 days. This was achieved through the development of strategy between the clients, Powerhouse Logistics, management accounting and the implementation of month end review process to ensure all outstanding items are cleared within 30 days.

I feel that I have the knowledge and ability to become an integral part of you working team. I am a fast learner, pro-active, sociable and organized. I am not afraid of hard work and I am motivated to face new and different challenges, persevering to achieve them successfully so that I can constantly broaden my skills and knowledge base. If you are seeking a candidate who has strong communication skill, who is reliable and who is attention to details, then please consider what I have to offer.

The enclosed resume provides specific details about my experiences, skills and qualification. Should you wish to meet with me to discuss my suitability for a position with your company, please telephone me on xxxxxxxxor email me at xxxxxx@gmail.com. I will call you in one week, if I do not hear from you sooner.
Thank you very much for your consideration.

key

整体来说，coverletter写得太长了。

I would like to express my interest for the position of xxxxx as advertised on xxxxx on xxxx 2009. It caught my attention as it provides variety across a wide range of accounting exposures and endless opportunities for development. I am keen to learn and most enthusiastic about the opportunity to build upon my foundations in accounting. My first plan is to take CPA program. I have been seeking just such an opportunity as this.

直接点：I am writing to apply for ..... 只一句就行了，其他都是多余的。

My experience was gathered from my half-year term as an account assistant in a CPA accounting firm, half-year term as an account assistant in Pearl Wong Pty Ltd, half-year term as an account assistant in Global Education Marketing Consultant Pty Ltd and three months as an account intern in Powerhouse Logistics.

这里用了被动句，太弱了。强势一点。
你可以用这样的句式：
I have experience ......
或
My experience includes ...

另外，句子太长了。你能告诉我 a CPA accounting firm, Pearl Wong Pty Ltd, Global Education Marketing Consultant Pty Ltd这三者的关系？为什么前者是一类型的公司，后二者是具体的公司？
他们都是澳洲公司对不？如果这样，一句话就搞定了：
I have extensive accounting experience in local professional firms.
如果这些公司名声足够大，大得可以吓人，也不妨点出来。

I gained a great amount of professional business acumen and knowledge of accounting in both accounting firm and commercial environment.

你觉得别人会关心你学了什么？一般来说，别人只关心你做过什么。

The experiences also strengthen my communication and computer skills. I was required to follow up more than 100 outstanding invoices and contracted clients everyday via email or over phone when I worked in Powerhouse Logistics. Enterprise and MYOB were the major software I used in my pervious jobs. Most importantly, I always finished the jobs on time and without errors. I also required preparing reports using Microsoft Excel and PowerPoint each week. I received a very good response from my mentor and general manager at the end of internship.

首先，你不能用 I was required to ...之类的句式。说得好象你被迫做一些你不想做的事一样。
I successfully followed up more than ....
这样说就正面多了。

Most importantly, I .... on time and without errors. 这句话最好能变一下，集成到前面那句话中。事实上，on time and without errors是正常的，我觉得你不需要特别提醒别人去注意。除非在你的行业中，出错是正常的事，那你不犯错才能成为焦点。

再改改吧。

bobwat168

thanks for your advice. I will edit my resume again

xblues

Examples of specific achievements are:
        Reduced the average turnaround time for invoices from 32 to 24 days
        Reduced client complaints 60 to 40 calls per month by improving service quality and strong customer focus
        Successfully finished all registrations and journal entries before deadline every month
        Reducing number of days required to complete Powerhouse Logistics monthly report from 5 days to 2 days. This was achieved through the development of strategy between the clients, Powerhouse Logistics, management accounting and the implementation of month end review process to ensure all outstanding items are cleared within 30 days.

adelle

I will call you in one week, if I do not hear from you sooner.

有点威胁对方的意思了。

procoder

太长了。

melville

原帖由 adelle 于 24-12-2009 12:09 发表

                               
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I will call you in one week, if I do not hear from you sooner.

有点威胁对方的意思了。

I might give you a follow-up call in one week to provide my feedback to your any possible concerns and/or questions.

另外，我一直以为写resume和CV，更不要说是Cover Letter，要尽量用concise sentence和bullet point。感觉LZ在写IELTS writing啊，抱歉我这么说。

xblues

建议LZ直接GOOGLE 一下cover letter，用人家的句子替换一下就好了。自己写费时费力，还不对。

bobwat168

thx for your advice

boton

严重同意，我笑死了，这个完全是老板的口气