求改作文，请freeOZ的大侠们指点一下啊

choku1982

People prefer to go shopping in the supermarket rather than small shops and local markets. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Since the explosive development of supermarket in 1980s, there has been an inevitable trend that more customers chose to purchase their supplies in large facilities when some small businesses seem to be forgotten. Although supermarkets have undeniable advantage on convenience and diversity, its over-flourish may have critical side effects such as congested traffic, increasing unemployment rate and decline in the quality of life.

In general, small stores tend to locate in communities somewhere adjacent to resident and can be reached on foot. On the contrary, those who want to shopping in big supermarkets have no choice but take a long drive to the downtown since most of large businesses chose their site nearby enormous stream of people. Obviously, the more consumers drive to their daily supplier, the heavier the traffic will be which is already a huge burden for modern society.

Modern commerce, implemented highly efficient and automatic technology and management, require much less employees than conventional businesses. For example, the Wal-Mart located in the center of Beijing provided thousands kinds of products but only hired 20 workers at most. The over 300 small traditional stores around it within the area provided more than 1500 job opportunities are now squeezed  by this immense and competitive monster. The direct effect is that the unemployment rate has raised 2% which have been demonstrated by economic scientists in Beijing University that was caused by Wal-Mart.

Owing the advanced domination of the market by crushing its enemy by efficient technology and competitive price, supermarkets would predictable increase the price of the products and service for more profits if competitions are vanished. It indicates that we would have to spend more on usual daily supplies such as food and fruit.

As experienced, both supermarkets and small shops have benefits. However, people’s bias preference will led to imbalanced economic system which will finally threaten the life of individual and the sustainable development of society.


刚刚开始发力学习写作，以前重点都在阅读和听力了，请大家看看这个写得怎么样啊

windwing00

个人感觉不错，虽然有些小问题，呵呵！我要能写成这样就高兴了！

bfcatfriends

很喜欢你的创新和想法，写的很好，比我强

一些小建议：
字数超300了，开头可以短一点
which have(has) been demonstrated by economic scientists
both supermarkets and small shops have benefits （can benefit from it）
Owing （to） the advanced domination

choku1982

谢谢，你的建议，我的语法还是弱了点，会尽力补强的

bfcatfriends

你仔细下肯定就很强了 请问这文章多久写完的 40分钟能写这样就很了不起

act_nan

want to shopping
have no choice but take
require much less employees
provided more than 1500
which have been demonstrated
that was caused by Wal-Mart. ?
predictable increase the price
competitions are vanished => vanishes
usual daily supplies => commodities?
As experienced ?
will led to

choku1982

才刚开始练，哪里有强，写了快两个小时，要求自己不能用自己不会的词，所以不能查字典，论点很快就有了，就是语言不好组织，练得太少了

bfcatfriends

恩 可以发给老师改一下 我觉得idea是自己的 语法和用词可以请人改正 我估计你改一下语法应该有7分的
试试看

choku1982

谢谢大侠的指点啊

应该是
want to shop
have no choice but to take
require much less employees   这个不明白错在哪里，能指点一下吗
provided more than 1500            还是不明白
which has been demonstrated
predictably increase the price
competitions vanishes
commodity 我不熟，没想到
will lead to
that was caused by the extinction of local market.

大侠有劳多说两句吧

choku1982

嗯，趁你吉言，这个大祝福术我收到了

bfcatfriends

人工置顶 给大家评分吧 哈哈

fht99

Since the explosive development of supermarket in 1980s,(since 后面应该前一个具体的时间，in 1980s是指在80年代，不知道的道不的道) there has been an inevitable trend that more and more customers chose to purchase their supplies in large facilities when(换成while) some small businesses seem to be forgotten. Although supermarkets have undeniable advantage(s) on convenience and diversity, its over-flourish may have critical(这个形容词不适合） side effects such as congested traffic, increasing unemployment rate and decline in the quality of life.

In general, small stores tend to locate in communities somewhere adjacent to resident and can be reached on foot(我理解communities就是我们说的小区resident 是居民，small stores tend to locate in communities so the residents can get there on foot). On the contrary, those who want to shopping （笔误shop  or go shoppping）in big supermarkets have no choice but take a long drive to the downtown since most of large businesses chose their site nearby enormous stream of people（人流大的这句道，我觉得不的道，不知道应该怎么改 ）. Obviously, the more consumers drive to their daily supplier（drive to their daily supplier什么意思）, the heavier the traffic will be which is already a huge burden for modern society. （and it will be another burden for modern society）

Modern commerce, implemented(改成with) highly efficient and automatic technology and scientific 加一个adj. management, require much less(fewer) employees than conventional businesses. For example, the Wal-Mart located(locating 或者去掉） in the center of Beijing provided thousands kinds of products but only hired 20 workers at most. The over 300 small traditional stores, around it within the area,（加两个commas，读起来好点） provided more than 1500 job opportunities are now squeezed  by this immense and competitive monster(一个句子两个动词，不知immense and competitive monster的道）. The direct effect is that the unemployment rate has raised by 2% which have has been demonstrated by economic scientists in Beijing University that was caused by Wal-Mart.(直接去掉，前面已经是effect了）或者另起一个句子

Owing to the advanced domination of the market by crushing its enemy by efficient technology and competitive price, supermarkets would predictable adv 可用likely increase the price of the products and service for more profits if once competitions are vanished. It indicates means/implys that we would have to spend more on usual daily supplies such as food and fruit.

As experienced(什么意思）, both supermarkets and small shops have their own benefits. However, people’s bias preference 两个都 是名词 will led lead to imbalanced economic system which will finally threaten the life of individual and the sustainable development of society.

最后一段应与第一段交相互映，应明确指出自己的论点

choku1982

嗯，真的有很多地方应该改进啊，谢谢你的仔细点评，帮助太大了
真应该研究一下结尾段怎么写才对，顺便，这个文大概能拿几分呢？

bfcatfriends

好详细，学到了

fht99

我也不知道能拿几分，

act_nan

requires much fewer employees
providing more than 1500
As experienced => As a matter of fact?

以我之前6.5分的作文成绩来看，这篇大概只有6了……
还是等着7+的高人来指点吧

bluefish2012

个人觉得不是很natural.

Since the explosive development of supermarket in 1980s, there (it) has been an inevitable trend that more (and more) customers chose to purchase their supplies in large facilities when some small businesses seem to be forgotten. Although supermarkets have undeniable advantage on convenience and diversity, its over-flourish may have critical side effects such as congested traffic, increasing unemployment rate and decline in the quality of life.

In general, small stores tend to locate in communities somewhere adjacent to resident and can be reached on foot. On the contrary, those who want to shopping (no ing) in big supermarkets have no choice but take a long drive to the downtown since most of large businesses chose their site nearby enormous stream of people(这个观点好像不对阿. 现在很多超市都是开在residence附近). Obviously, the more consumers drive to their daily supplier(drive to the supermarkets), the heavier the traffic will be, which is already a huge burden for modern society.

Modern commerce, implemented highly efficient and automatic technology and management(operated with high effieciency and advanced technology and managemnt stills), require much less employees than conventional businesses. For example, the Wal-Mart located in the center of Beijing provided thousands kinds of products but only hired 20 workers at most(这里为啥要突然用过去时). The (No the) over 300 small traditional stores around it within the area provided more than 1500 job opportunities are now squeezed  by this immense and competitive monster. The direct effect is that the unemployment rate has raised (by )2% (caused by WM)which have been demonstrated by economic scientists in Beijing University.

Owing the advanced domination of the market by crushing its enemy by efficient technology and competitive price, supermarkets would predictable(predictably) increase the price of the products and service (fee)for more profits if competitions are vanished. It indicates that we would have to spend more on usual(no usual) daily supplies such as food and fruit.

As experienced, both supermarkets and small shops have benefits. However, people’s bias preference will led to imbalanced economic system which will finally threaten the life of individual and the sustainable development of society.

(最后结尾的论断threaten the life of indivisual, 是不是太夸张了)

ORCHIDXU

觉得自己离这样的水平还很遥远~~~