也发一篇我的作文，给大家批批

windwing00

Topic：
            In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.
          What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

My response:
Nowadays, the weight level of some countries’ people is relatively higher than before and the health and fitness level are not as good as before as well. Firstly, many factors contribute to this social phenomenon, such as less sport, eating too much, pollution and so on. In the meantime, lots of measures and approaches can be used to relieve this and make people healthier and fitter.

Apparently, less sport activities is the first reason for people’s overweight and worse health level. In the present time, people are busier working and doing housework, especially in the city area. This kind of life cannot permit, for example, the city dwellers, to have enough time doing sports regularly and frequently. Therefore, their health is getting bad. Moreover, eating habit also plays a key role. With the increasing level of people’s material life, people are eating more food besides rice and fruits, including meat and fast food. This unhealthy habit make many person be overweight and of bad health. Additionally, environmental pollution cannot be excluded. As the environment we are living in is not as clean as before, everybody’s immune system are becoming worse slowly，which also leads to people’s  bad health.

Although this problem is getting worse and many people are influenced by it, many measures can stop it from deteriorating. Doing more exercises can help many people a lot, especially office ladies and computer engineers.  Taking part in sports regularly can improve their health level mentally and physically. Moreover, keeping healthy eating habits also benefits everybody. For example, eating more fruits and vegetable and less meat will probably help people keep fit. Finally travelling　also　help　people　be　healthy and fit．When people are travelling，they can forget the pressure of life and work．This experience　can force them　to get　rid of long time sitting, which is also a good way to keep healthy and fit.

Ｉｎ　ｃｏｎｃｌｕｓｉｏｎ，　ｐｅｏｐｌｅ＇ｓ　ｏｖｅｒｗｅｉｇｈｔｉｎｇ　ａｎｄ　ｂａｄ　ｈｅａｌｔｈ　ａｔｔｒｉｂｕｔｅｓ　ｔｏ　ｖａｒｉｏｕｓ　ｒｅａｓｏｎｓ，ｓｕｃｈ　ａｓ　ｌｅｓｓ　ｓｐｏｒｔ，ｂａｄ　ｅａｔｉｎｇ　ｈａｂｉｔ．．．．．Ｉｆ　ｐｅｏｐｌｅ　ｔａｋｅ　ｓｏｍｅ　ａｃｔｉｏｎｓ，　ｆｏｒ　ｅｘａｍｐｌｅ，ｍｏｒｅ　ｓｐｏｒｔｓ，　ｐｅｏｐｌｅ　ｗｉｌｌ　ｂｅｎｅｆｉｔ　ｆｒｏｍ　ｔｈｅｍ．

superopengl

My response:
Nowadays, the weight level of some countries’ people is relatively higher than before and the health and fitness level are not as good as before as well. Firstly, many factors contribute to this social phenomenon, such as less sport, eating too much, pollution and so on. In the meantime, lots of measures and approaches can be used to relieve this and make people healthier and fitter.

Apparently, less sport activities is the first reason for people’s overweight and worse health level. In the present time, people are busier (no need to use comparative degree here, because no target to compare explicitly) working and doing housework, especially in the city area. This kind of life cannot permit, for example, the city dwellers, to have enough time doing(to do) sports regularly and frequently. Therefore, their health is getting bad. Moreover, eating habit also plays a key role. With the increasing level of people’s material life, people are eating more food besides rice and fruits(fruit, is normally an uncountable noun), including meat and fast food. This(These) unhealthy habit(s) make many person(people) be(remove "be") overweight and of bad health. Additionally, environmental pollution cannot be excluded. As the environment we are living in is not as clean as before, everybody’s immune system are(is) becoming worse slowly，which also leads to people’s  bad health.

Although this problem is(these problems are, I think you mentioned more than one problem) getting worse and many people are influenced by it(them), many measures can stop it(them) from deteriorating. Doing more exercises can help many people a lot, especially (for) office ladies and computer engineers.  Taking part in sports regularly can improve their health level mentally and physically. Moreover, keeping healthy eating habits also benefits everybody. For example, eating more fruits(fruit) and vegetable(vegetables. Isn't it weird? But right, unlike "fruit", "vegetable" is countable. Always use "fruit and vegetables") and less meat will probably help people keep fit. Finally travelling　also　help　people　be　healthy and fit．When people are travelling，they can forget the pressure of life and work．This experience　can force them　to get　rid of long time sitting, which is also a good way to keep healthy and fit.

Ｉｎ　ｃｏｎｃｌｕｓｉｏｎ，　ｐｅｏｐｌｅ＇ｓ　ｏｖｅｒｗｅｉｇｈｔｉｎｇ　ａｎｄ　ｂａｄ　ｈｅａｌｔｈ　ａｔｔｒｉｂｕｔｅｓ　ｔｏ　ｖａｒｉｏｕｓ　ｒｅａｓｏｎｓ，ｓｕｃｈ　ａｓ　ｌｅｓｓ　ｓｐｏｒｔ，ｂａｄ　ｅａｔｉｎｇ　ｈａｂｉｔ．．．．．Ｉｆ　ｐｅｏｐｌｅ　ｔａｋｅ　ｓｏｍｅ　ａｃｔｉｏｎｓ，　ｆｏｒ　ｅｘａｍｐｌｅ，ｍｏｒｅ　ｓｐｏｒｔｓ，　ｐｅｏｐｌｅ　ｗｉｌｌ　ｂｅｎｅｆｉｔ　ｆｒｏｍ　ｔｈｅｍ．

[ 本帖最后由 superopengl 于 25-4-2012 20:01 编辑 ]

superopengl

Honestly speaking, beside those grammar errors, I don't believe this essay is interesting to read.
It lacks special point of view.
On the other hand, the words you used seem a little bit tedious-- same words appear many times. Try using some synonyms

Good luck.

windwing00

谢谢楼上的

windwing00

还得更加努力啊！

bfcatfriends

Nowadays, the weight level of some countries’ people is relatively higher than before and the health and fitness level are not as good as before as well. Firstly, many factors contribute to this social phenomenon, such as less sport, eating too much, pollution and so on. In the meantime, lots of measures and approaches can be used to relieve this and make people healthier and fitter.

楼主的观点可以更犀利。主体段不要过多展开细节，
比如可以说身体问题源自个人的饮食不注意+社会压力过大造成的，最后我会给出一些solution。这样的主体段会清晰些

个人拙见

windwing00

谢谢，现在很苦恼，论点很普通、乏味，词汇也想不出很出彩的，逻辑还是很松散，偶尔还会犯语法错误。

hiozhioz

某些连词和句子内容之间没有很强的逻辑性。 连接词是看到了，但内容托不上去。

bfcatfriends

同感啊 可能要多阅读提高修养

windwing00

阅读也读了不少，提高很慢啊！！

bfcatfriends

继续顶贴 让高手帮你我看看吧

bluefish2012

Nowadays, the weight level of some countries’ people is relatively higher than before and the health and fitness level are not as good as before as well(as well 应该表达相同方向的意思）. Firstly（这个连词好像不是很恰当。干脆不用）, many factors contribute to this social phenomenon, such as less sport, eating too much, pollution and so on. In the meantime（这个连词也用的不是很恰当）, lots of measures and approaches can be used to relieve this and make people healthier and fitter.

Apparently, less sport activities is the first reason for people’s overweight and worse（worsening) health level. In the present time, people are busier working and doing housework, especially in the city area( no area). This kind of life cannot permit, for example, the city dwellers, to have enough time doing sports regularly and frequently. Therefore, their health is getting bad （worse). Moreover, eating habit also plays a key role. With the increasing level of people’s material life, people are eating more food besides rice and fruits, including meat and fast food. This unhealthy habit make many person(s) be overweight and of bad health. Additionally, environmental pollution cannot be excluded. As the environment we are living in is not as clean as before, everybody’s immune system are becoming worse slowly，which also leads to people’s  bad health. (最后一个观点好像和over weigh 不沾边啊。）

Although this problem is getting worse and many people are influenced by it, many measures can stop it from deteriorating. Doing more exercises can help many people a lot, especially office ladies and computer engineers.  Taking part in sports regularly can improve their health level mentally and physically. Moreover, keeping healthy eating habits also benefits everybody. For example, eating more fruits and vegetable and less meat will probably help people keep fit. Finally travelling　also　help　people　be　healthy and fit．When people are travelling，they can forget the pressure of life and work．This experience　can force them　to get　rid of long time sitting, which is also a good way to keep healthy and fit.

Ｉｎ　ｃｏｎｃｌｕｓｉｏｎ，　ｐｅｏｐｌｅ＇ｓ　ｏｖｅｒｗｅｉｇｈｔｉｎｇ　ａｎｄ　ｂａｄ　ｈｅａｌｔｈ　ａｔｔｒｉｂｕｔｅｓ　ｔｏ　ｖａｒｉｏｕｓ　ｒｅａｓｏｎｓ，ｓｕｃｈ　ａｓ　ｌｅｓｓ　ｓｐｏｒｔ，ｂａｄ　ｅａｔｉｎｇ　ｈａｂｉｔ．．．．．Ｉｆ　ｐｅｏｐｌｅ　ｔａｋｅ　ｓｏｍｅ　ａｃｔｉｏｎｓ，　ｆｏｒ　ｅｘａｍｐｌｅ，ｍｏｒｅ　ｓｐｏｒｔｓ，　ｐｅｏｐｌｅ　ｗｉｌｌ　ｂｅｎｅｆｉｔ　ｆｒｏｍ　ｔｈｅｍ．

inthepines

我的作文水平也很差,大家原谅.

第一段,  the weight level of some countries’ people ,这一串看得就挺头疼, 直接用 people's average weight  不行吗？是因为和题目中使用的太相似？