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1#
发表于 19-8-2013 19:30:23 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式

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目标只是6分。
Some people argue that the technology such as mobile phone (cell phone) destroys social interaction. Do you agree or disagree?
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The late 20th century witnessed the boom of science and technology, which gave rise to a series of technological innovations, including the mobile phones. Some people are worrying about that the application of modern technology may bring negative influence to social lives. As far as I am concerned, their anxiety is unnecessary.

Personally, I find it is evident that modern communication technology greatly promotes social communication and interaction. To begin with, comparing with old communication means like letter and telegram, modern communication technology is no longer limited by distance and location, which means the barriers of communication have been removed completely. As a consequence, interaction between people has become easier and more convenient than before. In addition, a recent study shows that the contact between people is becoming increasingly frequent due to the widespread use of mobile phone, which also confirms the belief that today people are to a large extent dependent on modern communication technology. More importantly, modern communication technology offers people better socializing experience. This is best illustrated with the example of the social website facebook. As people not only can share photos and ideas with friends, it is also an ideal platform for people to meet new friends.

Even so, I admit that modern communication technology may bring about negative influence on social interaction. This is mainly because the pace of life has been accelerated due to widely use of modern communication technology, which leaves less and less time for people to be with their families and friends. As a result, the relationship with families and friends may become worse and worse.

To conclude, I would concede that modern communication technology may alienate the relation between people. Despite that, I firmly convinced that today people could not go with out it.
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2#
发表于 19-8-2013 23:06:43 | 只看该作者
看了第一句,就觉得这明显是高于6分的水平啊
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3#
 楼主| 发表于 20-8-2013 14:05:19 | 只看该作者
请看看结构和逻辑有没有问题!
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4#
发表于 20-8-2013 14:29:12 | 只看该作者
本文6分没问题。几点建议:
1、第二段太臃肿,建议拆分成2-3小段。
2、第三段最后最好加多一句,兜回去说明尽管有一些不足,但总体趋势是好的。
3、I firmly convinced that  应该为  I am firmly convinced that
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5#
发表于 20-8-2013 21:41:24 | 只看该作者
本帖最后由 styx1009 于 20-8-2013 21:56 编辑

攒个人品来改一下!
昨天我就改了,在ipad上,结果一不留神一个返回键就全部木有了,今天在电脑上重新改一次
提出的观点不代表全部是对的,都可以一起讨论,求共同进步!

The late 20th century has witnessed the boom of science and technology, which gave rise to a series of technological innovations, including the(去掉the,然后我的语感告诉我,如果要用including,最好是两个或以上,用like和such as 后面接一个比较顺畅) mobile phone(, TV and so on). Some people are worrying about that the application of modern technology may bring negative influence to social lives. As far as I am concerned, their anxiety is unnecessary.

Personally, I find it is(is 可以去掉 find sth adj that) evident that modern communication technology greatly promotes social communication and interaction. To begin with, 应该用compared(习惯用法,comparing一般用做动名词或一个句子的中间动词ing形式,而很少做状语) with old communication means like letter and telegram, modern communication technology is no longer limited by distance and location, which means the barriers of communication have been removed completely(描述客观事物尽量不用100%肯定的词,可用largely或significantly等). As a consequence, interaction between people has become easier and more convenient than before. In addition, a recent study shows that the contact between people is becoming increasingly frequent due to the widespread use of mobile phone, which also confirms the belief that today people are to a large extent dependent on modern communication technology. More importantly, modern communication technology offers people a (a/an xxx experience)better socializing experience. This is best illustrated with the example of the social website(network 尽量遵循社会常用的固定搭配 一般习惯说成是social network) 要大写Facebook. As people not only can share photos and ideas with friends, it is also an ideal platform for people to meet new friends. (最后一句的错误1. as是想表原因,状语从句,不应该是单独的一句,前面应用逗号链接。2.not only but also的主语应该一致,而不能前面用people做主语而后面又用facebook做主语。可以改成:This is best illustrated with the example of the social network Facebook,as people can not only share photos and ideas with friends, but also meet new faces on this ideal platform.)

但愿是我多虑,可我总觉得task response方面你把题目变窄了,题目中只是technology such as mobile phone, 而不是完全说mobile phone之类的通讯工具。然后你后面几乎全部讨论的是“modern communication technology”,我觉得可能会偏题。总之我觉得你应该讨论多一些科技带来的产品,而不是局限在一种通讯工具。



Even so(Even so给我的感觉是前面说的不是你赞同的,后面的才是你想赞同的。求高人指点。句子开头想表示“即使是这样,我也得承认。。。”和一般类转折词however等表示“但是”的程度我感觉不一样,求高人指点一下!), I admit that modern communication technology may bring about negative influence(可以适当换一下同义词了may cause may result in 等等 还有adverse effects/impacts,尽量少重复吧) on social interaction(重复很多遍,或许能换成interpersonal activities?). This is mainly because the pace of life has been accelerated due to widely use做名词前面用形容词wide就好 of modern communication technology, which leaves less and less time for people to be with their families and friends. As a result, the relationship with families and friends may become worse and worse.
(让步段观点和论据都非常的弱。呈现出来的感觉并不是在找出某些反argue,而是笼统的把前面的大局都否定了。我知道你想强调的是大家face to face的交流活动少了,所以你要把face to face 说出来。可是这段好像就只说因为生活速度被交流工具加快了,时间就少了,就有坏的影响。不如直接说这些东西非常的time consuming 和人们都 addicted to社交网络或者是游戏或者是电视,从而和家人朋友面对面的接触少了或是人们因为过于依赖科技大家交流都hide behind monitor而退化了真正的interpersonal skills,which在我们日常生活中是非常重要的能力。 最后要说回去你自己的观点,比如说影响的是少数人或者这些缺点也不足以对抗它给人们带来的好处)

To conclude, I would concede that modern communication建议避免在中心句上跑题,把communication去掉(文中小跑一点还好,大句子千万不要缩小或放大范围) technology may alienate the relation 中文说关系疏远是对的,但在英文中 alienate疏远的对象是人,可以直接说may alienate oneself from others. Despite that, I am firmly convinced that today people could not go with out it.

其实我也想知道task response这一点的准确说法应该怎么样
因为本人就是有次没答在点上,我觉得我的语法和结构都没问题,就是第二段的中心句稍微偏了一点,吃了亏,才5.5

求高人们指点下!

分我打不出来,有没有6分我不太确定,因为TR很关键,目前还不确定

不过要考到6分,就要有6.5的水平,才能允许临场发挥的一些小失误



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6#
 楼主| 发表于 20-8-2013 22:28:53 | 只看该作者
非常感谢楼上,感觉水平高的不是一点半点啊
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7#
发表于 21-8-2013 00:07:52 | 只看该作者

美女,以后批改作文就找你了哈,

Even so那里,估计说成I have to admit就有那个味道了。
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8#
发表于 21-8-2013 20:18:24 | 只看该作者
homeboxoffice 发表于 21-8-2013 00:07
美女,以后批改作文就找你了哈,

Even so那里,估计说成I have to admit就有那个味道了。

目前找工作中,比较闲~ok滴~
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