这篇所谓9分范文，感觉写得很普通啊，求分析

hjx500

http://www.ielts-exam.net/IELTS-Writing-Samples/IELTS_Sample_Writing_General_Task_2_1.pdf

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children.
Do you agree or disagree?



I tend to agree that young children can be negatively affected by too much time spent on the
computer every day. This is partly because sitting in front of a screen for too long can be damaging
to both the eyes and the physical posture of a young child, regardless of what they are using the
computer for.
However, the main concern is about the type of computer activities that attract children. These are
often electronic games that tend to be very intense and rather violent. The player is usually the
‘hero’ of the game and too much exposure can encourage children to be self-centred and
insensitive to others.
Even when children use a computer for other purposes, such as getting information or emailing
friends, it is no substitute for human interaction. Spending time with other children and sharing nonvirtual
experiences is an important part of a child's development that cannot be provided by a
computer.
In spite of this, the obvious benefits of computer skills for young children cannot be denied. Their
adult world will be changing constantly in terms of technology and the Internet is the key to all the
knowledge and information available in the world today. Therefore it is important that children learn
at an early age to use the equipment enthusiastically and with confidence as they will need these
skills throughout their studies and working lives.
I think the main point is to make sure that young children do not overuse computers. Parents must
ensure that their children learn to enjoy other kinds of activity and not simply sit at home, learning to
live in a virtual world.

kamiyasama

这个貌似是剑6还不是7里面的范文。写的很八股，很符合评分标准。用词量不算很广但是很准确，文章逻辑清晰，举得都是日常生活中司空见惯的例子，重要的是他把问题讲的很清楚。看得人可以一口气读完，不必费心思去猜他到底要表达什么。
雅思作文看得多了之后就会发现一个共性，9分的范文都不长，长的倒是7分或者7.5分的作文。

lim

5段，好多考官都认为是标准的。
其实你的字不差，逻辑还可以，6分没问题。

yrqin

拜读一下

yrqin

I 【tend to agree】 that young children can be 【negatively affected】 by 【too much time spent on the
computer】 every day. This is 【partly】 because 【sitting in front of a screen，同义转换，妙】for too long can be damaging
to both the eyes and the physical posture of a young child, 【regardless of】 what they are using the
computer for.
However, 【the main concern is about】 the type of computer activities that attract children. These are
often electronic games that 【tend to，高手也会重复使用好词】 be very intense and 【rather】 violent. The player is usually the
‘hero’ of the game and too much exposure can 【encourage】 children to be self-centred and
【insensitive】 to others.
Even when children use a computer 【for other purposes】, such as getting information or emailing
friends, it is no 【substitute】 for human interaction. 【Spending time with other children and sharing nonvirtual
experiences】 is an important part of a child's development that cannot be provided by a
computer.
【In spite of】 this, the obvious benefits of computer skills for young children 【cannot be denied】. Their
adult world will be changing 【constantly】 in terms of technology and the Internet is 【the key to】 all the
knowledge and information available in the world today. Therefore it is important that children learn
at an early age to use the equipment 【enthusiastically and with confidence】 as they will need these
skills throughout their studies and working lives.
I think the main point is to 【make sure that】 young children do not overuse computers. Parents must
【ensure that】 their children learn to enjoy other kinds of activity and not 【simply】 sit at home, learning to
live in a virtual world.

词汇：使用准确，地道，体现了极高的词汇驾驭能力；大量副词的出现和恰当使用，使得文章变得更生动，传神
语法：句式变化多，丰富且高效，用法地道，体现了极强的语法功底
结构：结构清晰、紧凑，层层推进，道理娓娓道来，令人折服
连贯性：句子衔接十分紧密，linking words简单高效，已经到了无招胜有招的境界。


我是来拜读的，说的不好请大家多多指正

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 15-12-2010 08:56 编辑 ]

yrqin

原帖由 kamiyasama 于 14-12-2010 23:44 发表

                               
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这个貌似是剑6还不是7里面的范文。写的很八股，很符合评分标准。用词量不算很广但是很准确，文章逻辑清晰，举得都是日常生活中司空见惯的例子，重要的是他把问题讲的很清楚。看得人可以一口气读完，不必费心思去猜他 ...

其实，‘八股’也是两面的，有差的一面，也有好的一面。

差的那一面就不提了，好的一面正如你所说的‘文章逻辑清晰’，‘看得人可以一口气读完，不必费心思去猜他到底要表达什么。’
这些恰恰是学术文章的一个最重要的特点。简而言之，‘predict’，这就是学术文章的魂。好的学术文章从头到尾都是能够让读者轻松地知道：作者正在讲些什么，以及将要讲些什么。雅思作文，尤其是A类，基本上考的就是学术文章的写作，所以弄清楚这点很重要。

x24

拜读文章及评论

black_zerg

是啊，看得懂但是让我写我就写不出来，估计还是要多背才行

jimraynor0

我感觉我这个层次的人还没有到能够体会到这篇文章的好的水平……就像举头望明月低头思故乡这种句子一样，别人写出来觉得其实也挺平实的，换自己去写才能知道难度有多大……