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标题: 每日一作文，继续求批！！！！！！！ [打印本页]

作者: chen2mao 时间: 9-12-2011 18:59
标题: 每日一作文，继续求批！！！！！！！
5. Some people believe individuals are more important in taking care of environment, others think governments should be major responsible to it. Discuss and give your opinion.（332词）
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Nowadays, environmental problem has become a burning question for the whole human society. We are using up our natural resource and at the same time polluting our environment with dangerous chemicals. If we continue to do this, life on earth cannot survive. However, regarding the responsibility for protecting the environment, some people believe individuals are more important, while others think governments should be major responsible.

Those who hold the statement that individuals should take major responsibility of environment protection insist that individuals are the main cause of environmental pollution, so they should address this issue by themselves. They argue that almost all the environmental problems such as air and water pollution, extinction of species, depletion of natural resource have direction relations with people’s life style. If people want to improve the environment in which we live in, we should firstly change our way of life. For example, if all of us take public transportation, the exhaust gas emission will greatly reduced; if everybody does not use disposable plastic bags, our cities will become much cleaner. So each person plays a key role in environment protection.

However, some people point out that environment protection is the obligation of the government. Firstly, governments have the rights and duties to establish laws to protect environment, anyone who destroys the environment will be punished by the law, so it can greatly decrease the actions of environmental disruption. Secondly, most of the environment protection projects are non-profitable and need a large amount of money, which only governments can afford it. Thirdly, but not lastly, with the development of globalization, many environmental issues need multinational cooperation, which also government can take on.

Personally, I think the government should take the responsibility of environment protection. At any rate, government’s capability of environment protection is more powerful than individuals. That is not to say individuals do not need to do it. People also should try their best to make sure our world is pleasant place to live in the future.

作者: TKK 时间: 9-12-2011 22:40
lz真牛，帮顶。

作者: chen2mao 时间: 12-12-2011 13:59
6分有木有！

作者: YUEXMA 时间: 12-12-2011 17:15
用词有点奇怪，是不是Economist看太多了？

比如第一句里面的 burning question，你的文章Hold不住这个用法，显得造作了。

原帖由 chen2mao 于 12-12-2011 14:59 发表

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6分有木有！

作者: YUEXMA 时间: 12-12-2011 18:02
没忍住，帮LZ改写一段，纯探讨，轻拍。

Nowadays, environmental problem has become a burning question for the whole human society.
Environmental problem has turned out to be one of the most predominant concerns to the human race on this planet ever since the Industrial Age.
We are using up our natural resource and at the same time polluting our environment with dangerous chemicals. If we continue to do this, life on earth cannot survive.
Natural resources that the civilization world currently relies on, like minerals and fossil energies, are going depleted in a foreseeable future, whilst a variety of hazardous side-products from the petroleum manufacturing and metallurgy, for example, are making our environment unfavourable to the survival of the life forms of our kind.
However, regarding the responsibility for protecting the environment, some people believe individuals are more important, while others think governments should be major responsible.
The effort in reversing the situation to protect the environment fortunately has been going on in the past decades, however, it remains controversial that the major responsibility of taking such effort should be born by the Government or the ordinary individual.

LZ看看这样改是否语意上更加连贯一些，句子结构复杂一些。

[ 本帖最后由 YUEXMA 于 13-12-2011 00:28 编辑 ]

作者: cloudsflo 时间: 12-12-2011 18:34
标题: 回复 #5 YUEXMA 的帖子
看了YUEXMA改写的，我觉得作文离7 好遥远亚

作者: yrqin 时间: 12-12-2011 18:45
标题: 回复 #6 cloudsflo 的帖子
不要气馁

YUEXMA的最大优势就是词汇和句式，至少有8分以上水平。我自问在词汇和句式方面差YUEXMA还几条街。

而如果你想向他靠近，我认为也是很难的。

但是雅思作文不只是词汇和句式，对大多数中国的考生而言，尤其是6分和6.5分水平的考生，最缺乏的其实是行文逻辑方面的技巧，缺乏的是对英语作文的行文习惯的理解。

再者7分和7.5分作文其实并不神秘。我考了3次7.5，2次7，词汇和句式自问和YUEXMA相差甚远。对于你的词汇和句式的水平，如果行文上努力改进，也完全可以达到7分或7.5了。

不知道你雅思作文考了几分？没考过就考一次，如果不是5分，而是6或6.5分以上，就不要认为自己离7分很远。

当然，如果你说‘自己离8分的词汇和句式的水平’还很远，我一点意见也没有。

其实那也是我写step by step的目的。不知道能有几个人能深刻理解这一点？（其实是不忍心看大家在事倍功半的地方下了许多苦功，因为那真的是真枪实弹的基本功，不是2，3个月就能有质的提高的。）

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 12-12-2011 19:48 编辑 ]

作者: YUEXMA 时间: 12-12-2011 19:06
标题: 回复 #7 yrqin 的帖子
yrqin童鞋恭维了。

看看雅思真题后面的考官范文，其实用词哪里有小姨和顾家北之流写的那么晦涩。文章关键在于那口气不能断，也就是语意的紧密联系和逻辑的过渡，中文英文皆是如此。

我主要得益于长期在工作中与英美的同事沟通，需要阅读和写大量的英文邮件，拓宽了词汇量。
但是工作邮件中的话题比较跳跃性，所以转折过渡处理不好。而且我的死穴是出手比较慢，前两次考作文都是时间不够草草结束，好在第三次留了10分钟时间认真写了结尾段，依然是一身汗。

大家继续努力。

作者: cloudsflo 时间: 12-12-2011 19:08
标题: 回复 #7 yrqin 的帖子
我去年10月考了一次，作文几乎是裸考，只有5.5，今年考了一次11/17，作文6分
后来我觉得平时我就不是think critically, 我属于飘忽型，即使我学的是工科,逻辑素养很低

YUXEMA 的词汇我倒是认识，但是我死活不会用，连他推荐的a point of view, 看得我云里雾里的

作者: yrqin 时间: 12-12-2011 19:12
标题: 回复 #8 YUEXMA 的帖子
我也觉得剑桥雅思范文的词汇和句式要生动得多了，其他书籍的范文都过于晦涩了。

就拿剑7的test 1的范文来说，词汇和句式并不是那么的高深；最重要的用词准确地道生动，句式精炼多变，看不出人工捏造的痕迹。这是极高的词汇和句式的水平。那才是优美的值得好好欣赏的范文。

作者: yrqin 时间: 12-12-2011 19:17
标题: 回复 #9 cloudsflo 的帖子
看不懂，说明功夫没到。像剑7的test 1的范文我也是初看看不出门道，我也是费了老大的劲才觉得自己领会了该范文的美和优势所在。

既然你说逻辑方面是比较弱的，那么应该多看看雅思范文，努力体会里面的行文逻辑吧。如果觉得看不出太多的门道，那还是看看我的step by step，讲的就是如何在一个比较拘谨的模式里面，把行文逻辑提升上去。我在语言班之前也只有6分，打死也不会上6.5的，但是语言班结束之后，低于6.5分那是不可思议的。

作者: YUEXMA 时间: 12-12-2011 19:24
A Point View 是好教材，看晕了就慢慢啃吧，都是英国当代文人写的。看通了对于语法，词汇，语感等都有明显提高。
语感对于写作也很重要，很大程度上可以帮助降低写Chinglish的比例。

原帖由 cloudsflo 于 12-12-2011 20:08 发表

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我去年10月考了一次，作文几乎是裸考，只有5.5，今年考了一次11/17，作文6分
后来我觉得平时我就不是think critically, 我属于飘忽型，即使我学的是工科,逻辑素养很低

YUXEMA 的词汇我倒是认识，但是我死活不 ...

作者: cloudsflo 时间: 12-12-2011 19:41
最近在看考官的范文，加临摹。没事的时候就看看。

不过做SAP的需要谈需求什么的，英语用的比我们的要深

作者: chen2mao 时间: 12-12-2011 21:36
多谢楼上点评！！！

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