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标题: G类大作文求批 [打印本页]

作者: zeopha 时间: 15-3-2011 18:30
标题: G类大作文求批
准备雅思考试以来第一篇练习，写了好久，感觉乱七八糟，请各位tx点批指正，预先谢谢各位了。
Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such area. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The past decades have witnessed the improvements of health, education and trade which are essential for the development of the poorer nations. Regarding the economic backgrounds of the richer nations and the related interest between two different nations, I would like to argue that it is the richer nations that should take more responsibilities in such areas for the poorer nations.

Fist of all, generally speaking, every government should hold the majority of responsibilities to improve the health, education and trade of its own, but it will be less effective or even result in converse consequences if the government has no enough resources and power to control and arrange the improvement in its hands. For example, there are quite possibly diseases, such as cholera and dysentery, after a flood in the poorer nations and the situation will run out of control as the government can not provide enough professional doctors and finance support required. However, with the help of the richer nations that can supply such services, the situation can be dealt with effectively and quickly. Not only health like that, but also education and trade can be improved significantly under the help from the richer nations with sufficient finance and technologies support.

Secondly but more importantly, with the rapid progress of economics and technologies, the world has developed into a united one including all the countries, no matter how rich the nation is or how poor it is. The failure of any nations' development will eventually impose a harmful impact on other nations. For instance, if some poorer nation fails to improve its trade skills and infrastructures because of its insufficient experience or something like that, and can not offer raw materials any more that are essential for the high technologies in richer nations, these richer nations would fail to continue their developments and become a victim consequently. The situation will be exactly another one if the richer nations take the responsibility to train the workers and help build the infrastructures for the poorer nations.

By way of conclusion, I once again restate my position that the richer nations should take more responsibilities to help the poorer nations improve health, education and trade.

作者: zeopha 时间: 17-3-2011 17:37
标题: 求批之二
后天就要考试了，紧张呐，嘿嘿嘿，各位tx帮帮忙，先谢过：）
As technology develops, more shopping and business is done through the internet while communication face to face becomes less frequent. Is this a positive or a negative development?
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The past 20 years have witnessed the rapid development of science and technology. The Internet, maybe one of the most important invention, has recently become a new way for people to go shopping and deal with businesses without needing to face to face as what it used to be. While some people argue that it is a adverse development, in my opinion, it is an active development.

First of all, it is an indisputable fact that the expense that should be took with traditional communications-face to face-has been reduced greatly with the new communication way-the Internet. Saving the cost for rent and storage, the seller who are selling products on the Internet now can offer cheaper goods such as computer, cell phone to customers without sacrificing their qualities, which benefits buyer immensely.
Further and even more importantly, though, just staying at home and sitting in the front of computers to buy what they want or handle businesses on the Internet, people can save time to share life with their families which otherwise would be spent in travelling and going shopping to reinforce the families relationships that are on the decline under the rapid pace of society and the pressure of living.

Admittedly, there are some fakes and frauds on the Internet which can cheat your money and steal personal information like credit card number and passwords. With more carefulness, most of them can be avoided effectively.

To sum up, I once again reaffirm my position that the new way of communication is a positive development.

作者: zeopha 时间: 17-3-2011 19:13
标题: 求批之三
各位大仙多多帮忙哈：）红色的是根据tx们的意见修改的低级错误。
What are the causes of water scarcity?What are your solution？
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With the rapid development of economics and society, loads of resources have been used to excess, which results in the scarcity of them. Water,  undoubtedly,  the most important resource for human, is also on the  road of  scarcity. In this essay, I intend to address the principal reasons for that as well as what solutions can be done for it.

Among all the resources that we are using, water, which covers 2/3 of the surface of the Earth but less half of them can be used by human, is the most basic resource. In most people's opinion, compared to others resources such as steel and foods, it may be the cheapest resource, so they use water at their pleasure without any concerns about saving it. According to research done by Tsinghua University, the volume that used in  families for washing, bathing and flushing toilets took up more than 50%  of the volume that  consumed by the whole society.

In addition to that, the waste of water in industries also contributes to its scarcity.  In many countries, the cost of water that was supplied to factories was charged cheaply, which even led to the fact that the cost of water was not taken into the cost of  products. Moreover, the scarcity of water can deteriorate thanks to the damage to environment.

In order to solve the problem, I think the first step we should do is to propagate the saving water campaign  and help people keep that in their minds. Further and more importantly, the government should set up stricter laws and fixed the water price properly to prevent water wasting. But what should be pointed out is that only when individuals and governments take action together, can the issue of water scarcity be solved effectively.

[ 本帖最后由 zeopha 于 17-3-2011 21:04 编辑 ]

作者: DANTE 时间: 17-3-2011 19:48
扫了一眼，LZ的模版痕迹很浓。。
仔细看了第三篇：
Moreover, the damage to environment deteriorates the scarcity of water。这句中的deteriorate应该是不及物动词，再说它解释为自我恶化，用在这句好像解释不是很妥当。
我觉得你写造成水资源短缺好像三个理由都是由于水价不高才导致人们，工厂不节约用水。感觉像是同一个理由。
其实原因有很多，比如1 水资源不像其他可再生资源那样无穷无尽，它是有限的。2 全球人口的增长，导致有限的水资源的紧张，用户多了，有限的资源少了，能不短缺么？3 人们节约用水的意识不够（这个和LZ的那个理由还差不多）
可采取的solution：1 有效的控制人口。2 让人们提高对水资源重复利用的意识，节约用水。3 提高水价（其实这个我不是很赞同，不过写上也没关系。
个人认为以LZ的水平只要不跑题，应该6分没问题。

作者: zeopha 时间: 17-3-2011 20:01
模板痕迹很重，汗了，其实这篇我没参考什么模板

，不过看来我还是得小心点了。另外您说的很有道理，我提的理由不够充分：）但是水应该是可再生的吧？谢谢哈

原帖由 DANTE 于 17-3-2011 20:48 发表

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扫了一眼，LZ的模版痕迹很浓。。
仔细看了第三篇：
Moreover, the damage to environment deteriorates the scarcity of water。这句中的deteriorate应该是不及物动词，再说它解释为自我恶化，用在这句好像解释不 ...

作者: DANTE 时间: 17-3-2011 20:38
标题: 回复 #5 zeopha 的帖子
哇，原来水是可再生资源？？？

作者: zeopha 时间: 17-3-2011 20:54
我特地baidu和google了下，http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_water_a_non-renewable_resource
http://www.ehow.com/about_5251373_water-renewable-resource_.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Renewable_resource#Water
可以说可再生，也可以说不可再生，看来我认识有限，谢谢指导，呵呵

原帖由 DANTE 于 17-3-2011 21:38 发表

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哇，原来水是可再生资源？？？

作者: DANTE 时间: 17-3-2011 21:54
标题: 回复 #7 zeopha 的帖子
其实到底可不可再生对于雅思作文来说根本无所谓，因为都是合理的，只要你能给出证明，其实说不可再生更容易写，也可以算成是一个短缺的理由，考官是不会纠结这个是否可再生的问题的~~嘿嘿~~

作者: zeopha 时间: 17-3-2011 22:33
标题: 求批之四
多谢DANTE TX的指导，俺又来骚扰各位了

。我猜考场情况下，我估计只能得5分，不过还是希望不是如此，上帝保佑。

这文章太多"xxx be"结构了，有什么别的好办法呢？
Some people say that children should be disciplined in their early age, and punishment should be used. To some extent do you agree? What kind of punishment can be used by teachers and parents?
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Whether or not children should be disciplined in their early age and punishment should be used is a contentious topic in many societies and maybe has been existing from the beginning of civilization. In my opinion, any corporal punishments ought not to be used at any time, but other punishments can be taken under some circumstances.

No matter when and what the societies are, there are always something that can allure children to deviate from what their parents want. In order to correct such misbehaviors and discipline children, many ways of penalties have been used, such as corporal punishments and non-corporal punishments. In many remote regions, corporal punishments, like beating, slapping and spanking, were considered the best way to discipline children. In fact, corporal punishments will not only hurt children’s physical body, but they will also leave a psychological shadow in children’s heart for ever.

However, some non-corporal punishments can be taken into account when punishments have to be used. Writing lines, perhaps which is the most effective way of punishment, can be used on children in school as it has not any serious consequences except taking children some time to do that. Other non-corporal punishment-on report, suspension, detention and verbal warning-also can be made as penalties on children. Nevertheless, all types of punishments are not supposed to be used on young children, say who are less than 6 years old, because they even do not know how to distinguish wrong from right.

In reality, of course, a second thought should be taken with caution before punishing as any punishments would probably be problematic in themselves more or less.

[ 本帖最后由 zeopha 于 17-3-2011 23:37 编辑 ]

作者: DANTE 时间: 18-3-2011 00:35
标题: 回复 #9 zeopha 的帖子
Whether or not children should be disciplined in their early age and punishment should be used is a contentious topic in many societies and maybe has been existing from the beginning of civilization. 这句话的主语是不是有两个？？有两个的话是不是应该写为 are contentious topics in many societies......
they even do not know how to distinguish wrong from right这句话好像有点中式化了。。。。
a second thought should be taken with caution before punishing as any punishments would probably be problematic in themselves more or less这句话中的a second thought 是什么意思？？按语法大概应写成the second thought吧？？首先thought不可数，其次second之前应加the吧。
我自己的水平也很差，如果说的不对请各位指出~~嘿嘿~

作者: DANTE 时间: 18-3-2011 00:37
标题: 回复 #10 DANTE 的帖子
你所说的a second thought 是不是可以理解为中文里的三思？？

作者: zeopha 时间: 18-3-2011 01:06
多谢DANTE同学，whether or not的用法我搞错了，我原意是想用于引导名词性从句的，但没名词，应该在前面加个The question of 等之类名词，谢谢您指出了错误；另外您说的好像也是另一种用法，但现在我还搞不明白。
第二的how to 我个人感觉不到很中化啊，估计是我的英语一向中化的原因，嘿嘿
第三当second 和third等啥词不是表示第几而是再一次的时候，是用a不是用the的，这点我应该记得，我当年的高中英语书（估计跟各位的不一样）有个渔夫撒网捞到一个瓶子里面有妖怪的文章，说再撒一次网时，就说cast xxx a second time。thought是可数的，您说的没错，就是三思的意思。

原帖由 DANTE 于 18-3-2011 01:35 发表

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Whether or not children should be disciplined in their early age and punishment should be used is a contentious topic in many societies and maybe has been existing from the beginning of civilization. ...

[ 本帖最后由 zeopha 于 18-3-2011 03:03 编辑 ]

作者: pili_139 时间: 29-3-2011 22:30

这个故事我也记得的，不过我记不得是初中还是高中了。

作者: guangnian0412 时间: 30-3-2011 11:59
标题: 回复 #5 zeopha 的帖子
模板重不是问题，关键看你是要6分还是7分。要6分就去套模板吧。

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