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标题: 恳请大家再帮我修改一下大作文 [打印本页]

作者: zhang12321 时间: 10-5-2010 17:39
标题: 恳请大家再帮我修改一下大作文
Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program, To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Education is always a topic of public interest and concern. Recently, there has been a controversy over whether financial education should be taught as a mondatory part of the school program. In my opinion, although financial education can bring students some benefits, it is only suitable for a selective course.

Obviously, students study in school in order to acquire more knowledge and these learning enable them to make a better development in the rapidly changing society. Therefore, students could be taught on rather extensive courses, such as history, arts and sports, even finacial one. However, due to the limited time spent on their study, students should select some courses that can develop their intelligence and bodies, such as math, sports. In this case, financial eduaction should, as a selective course, be taught to those students who are very inerest in financial issues and have more spare time.

However, we can not ignore the importance to some special students. For instance, it is universally acknowledged that some students have higher gift rather than those common students. Sometimes those mandatory courses can not meet their demand, some extra courses, like financial course, will be the best one of their choices. Therefore, financial education, as a modantory component on school educaton, is only suitable for those gifted students, not for all ones.

All in all, considering the difference of students and their limited study time, the financial education should not be mandatory part of the teaching scheme, and only is a better choice for those students having gifted ability so as to they could gain more knowledge during their educational period.

谢谢了！

作者: albert-shen08 时间: 10-5-2010 17:52
写的蛮好的

作者: zhang12321 时间: 10-5-2010 18:05
楼上的同学，给提点意见或错误呗，谢谢了！
我不知道我用的那些代词合适不，these,those，ones等，如
Therefore, financial education, as a modantory component on school educaton, is only suitable for those gifted students, not for all ones.

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 10-5-2010 18:21
先说一下总体感受...模板...
这不...请欣赏下我的模板
The demand of something is rising(descending) dramatically. This phenomenon can be partly attributed to something. Somebody figure out that ….同意： I approve this opinion to a great extent. (不同意：while I argue that).

Obviously, something bring a lot of benefits to somebody.
In the first place, …such as…
Next, …recent evidence suggests that…
Furthermore, … For instance,…

At the mean time, despite something, there are some demerits that…. However,…

As a conclusion, the answer is very clear….

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 10-5-2010 18:23
文章看下有个大问题：
第二段说来说去就是一个理论+一个举例...
是不是太薄弱了点...

作者: zhang12321 时间: 10-5-2010 18:29
同意楼上意见。但我实在是没词去论证，不知道怎么说好。中文功底不足啊

作者: leciel95 时间: 10-5-2010 18:35
哇塞白虎的模板真牛蛙
请问这样用模板写作是不是雅思的要求啊
俺最近看到有人支持模板说这样写虽然不一定高分但基本能过
但也有人说这样写千篇一律结果会过不了呢？
到底哪个是真相

作者: pingorliu 时间: 10-5-2010 18:40
Education is always a topic of public interest and concern. Recently, there has been a controversy over whether financial education should be taught as
should be included as...---> teach education  很怪。

a mondatory part of the school program. In my opinion, although financial education can bring students some benefits, it is only suitable for a selective course.
be suitable for sb: 适合某人，在这里用法不对

Obviously, students study in school in order to acquire more knowledge and these learning
these learning: 前面根本没提那些 learning，所以指代不清

enable them to make a better development in the rapidly changing society. Therefore, students could
could: 能...，  我觉得用 should 较好。

be taught on rather extensive
rather: 较口语， extensive 换成 comprehensive 怎么样（不确定，呵呵）

courses, such as history, arts and sports, even finacial one.
financial,拼写错误且用的不好
However, due to the limited time spent on their study, students should select some courses that can develop their intelligence and bodies, such as math, sports. In this case,
in this case: 不太恰当

financial eduaction should, as a selective course, be taught to those students who are very inerest
interested.
in financial issues and have more spare time.
However,
逻辑不太对
we can not ignore the importance to some special students. For instance, it is universally acknowledged that some students have higher gift rather
rather 用的不好， higher gift 不知道有这种说法没

than those common
指代不清
students. Sometimes those mandatory courses can not meet their demand,
demands

some extra courses, like financial course, will be the best one of their choices. Therefore, financial education, as a modantory component on school educaton, is only suitable for those gifted students, not for all ones.

All in all, considering the difference of students and their limited study time, the financial education should not be mandatory part of the teaching scheme, and only is
语法错误 be
a better choice for those students having gifted ability
怪怪的，用gifts OK了

so as to they could gain more knowledge during their educational period.

总的来说，逻辑不太清楚，第二段说有时间的同学可以学下，而第三段又说只有有天分的人可以学。

个人愚见哦，  肯定也有不恰当的地方，望见谅，呵呵

作者: loopmoon 时间: 10-5-2010 18:41
还不错啊，但是最后结尾别用all in all，我以前语言班老师说的，all in all偏口语。
In my opinion, although financial education can bring students some benefits, it is only suitable for a selective course！我觉得for应该改成as啊
总体还可以把，6分上上，模板迹象很严重啊，呵呵

作者: zhang12321 时间: 10-5-2010 18:53

原帖由 loopmoon 于 10-5-2010 18:41 发表

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还不错啊，但是最后结尾别用all in all，我以前语言班老师说的，all in all偏口语。
In my opinion, although financial education can bring students some benefits, it is only suitable for a selective cours ...

我已经尽量的不去用模板，也尽量的去避免，但我知道的写作套路就是这样：
先引题，然后提出论点
然后说些好的，再说些尽管不好，但是。。。，最后再总结一下论点。
不知道是不是还有啥别的写法？我看了好多资料，中文的，英文的，都是这样说的。
能指点一下不？谢谢谢谢！

作者: revstar 时间: 10-5-2010 18:58
6分应该没有啥问题吧

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 10-5-2010 19:16

原帖由 leciel95 于 10-5-2010 18:35 发表

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哇塞白虎的模板真牛蛙
请问这样用模板写作是不是雅思的要求啊
俺最近看到有人支持模板说这样写虽然不一定高分但基本能过
但也有人说这样写千篇一律结果会过不了呢？
到底哪个是真相

汗...希望不要误导这位同学，模板是给我这种写着写着会跑题的人用的
一般看出是模板是拿不到高分的

作者: leciel95 时间: 10-5-2010 19:38

原帖由 小小白虎 于 10-5-2010 19:16 发表

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汗...希望不要误导这位同学，模板是给我这种写着写着会跑题的人用的
一般看出是模板是拿不到高分的

汗俺语文的作文就没高分过。。。。。我特爱范的毛病是觉得说的不够清晰就来回说同时又有些该说的更清楚的东西没说。。。。。

要不我也模板吧好歹能把文章结构搞对不出乱子。

作者: leciel95 时间: 10-5-2010 19:40

原帖由 revstar 于 10-5-2010 18:58 发表

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6分应该没有啥问题吧

希望这是真的

我看见希望了。。。。

向来写作文是弱项不分中文英文。。。。

作者: neroliang 时间: 13-5-2010 17:08
提示: 作者被禁止或删除, 无法发言 做记号，回头来看。

作者: mql3461 时间: 15-5-2010 21:40
看出来了你是想写一边倒的，就是Financial 课程不应该作为主要学科。你要加强一下你的力度。第三段开头的However让我看得很晕，上面下面的论调很明显是一样的。

这个题目完全可以写成一边倒的，因为本身就是很偏激的观点。重要的是这种题目很少出的。没有什么争辩性。

作者: babyspring 时间: 17-5-2010 00:12
我发觉自己根本看不来作文好不好

作者: babyspring 时间: 17-5-2010 00:22
Education is always a topic of public interest and concern. Recently, there has been a controversy over whether financial education should be taught as a mondatory part of the school program. In my opinion, although financial education can bring students some benefits, it is only suitable for（AS) a selective course.
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  Z; U3 p9 m+ v0 Qwww.FreeOZ.orgObviously, students study in school in order to acquire more knowledge and learning(不可数） enable（s） them to make（觉得有点怪，是不是可以用ACHIEVE a better development in the rapidly changing society. Therefore, students could be taught on(THE BASIS OF ) rather(FAIRLY?) extensive courses, such as history, arts and sports, even finacial one(ONE 可以去掉吧？）. However, due to the limited time spent on their study, students should select some courses that can develop their intelligence and bodies, such as math, sports. In this case, financial eduaction should, as a selective course, be taught to those students who are very inerest in financial issues and have more spare time.
2 f6 h5 ?0 |6 ^# C1 F# X) F! ]) o: L我为人人，人人为我
; l- j$ b- ~( u7 ~  A. J9 s% r# l) W澳洲华人,澳洲移民,澳洲自助移民,澳洲移民DIY,澳大利亚自助移民,澳大利亚移民DIY,澳洲生活,澳洲留学,澳大利亚留学,澳大利亚生活,澳洲租房,澳洲工作,澳洲华人论坛,澳大利亚华人论坛,澳大利亚中国人论坛,澳洲中国人论坛,澳洲移民非中介,澳大利亚移民非中介,旅游,论坛,我为人人,人人为我However, we can not ignore the （its)importance to some special （particular）students. For instance, it is universally acknowledged that some students have higher gift rather than those common students. Sometimes those mandatory courses can not meet their demand, some extra courses, like financial course, will be the best one of their choices. Therefore, financial education, as a modantory component on school educaton, is only suitable for those gifted students, not for all ones（ALL OF THEM).
+ N1 Q% M$ v8 I# M# I' Q  z% J澳洲华人,澳洲移民,澳洲自助移民,澳洲移民DIY,澳大利亚自助移民,澳大利亚移民DIY,澳洲生活,澳洲留学,澳大利亚留学,澳大利亚生活,澳洲租房,澳洲工作,澳洲华人论坛,澳大利亚华人论坛,澳大利亚中国人论坛,澳洲中国人论坛,澳洲移民非中介,澳大利亚移民非中介,旅游,论坛,我为人人,人人为我www.FreeOZ.org! N$ N8 M; y# g" S1 A" {* F
All in all, considering the difference of students and their limited study time, the financial education should not be mandatory part of the teaching scheme, and (IT )only is a better choice for those students having gifted ability so as to (删了两子）gain more knowledge during their educational period.
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