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标题: 发篇大作文，请大家指教，谢谢 [打印本页]

作者: seraph77 时间: 28-4-2010 12:40
标题: 发篇大作文，请大家指教，谢谢
请大家看看如果要提高的话主要要往哪方面努力，词汇呢，语法呢，结构呢，还是多练练。。。作文总在5.5到6间摇摆。。。
288词，34分钟。
题目：The unlimited use of cars may cause many problems. What are those problems? In order to reduce the problems, should we discourage people to use cars?

作文：
According to the documentary film HOME, there are over 1 billion cars in current world, and this number is still increasing rapidly. The consequent side effects include air pollution, tranfic jams, and even wide-spread healthy problems caused by lack of exercise. Taking them into account, should we consider discouraging people to use cars?

Living on cars will definitely lead to many problems. First of all, the fuel is a severe problem because the fossil fuel deposit is running down while scientists have not found another type of fuel which is as good as fossil fuel. What would happen when we had used off all the deposit? Nobody knows. Secondly, even if we have more than serveral decades to think about the question one, we must admit there are already heavy air pollutions currently, in which cars are playing an important role. Carbon dioxide from the burning of fossil fuel is becoming a threat to human being. Thirdly, for each individuls, driving has replaced walking, and sickness caused by lack of exersing is threating increasingly amount of people.

However, cars mean another way of life for us. Driving introduces flexibility and convinience to our life. People can easily get to their destination by their own schedule, and this is very important for today's economy. Every govenment rialises that widely using of cars is neccessary for national economy and development. Furthermore, for individuals, life with a car seems happier with life without it.

In conclusion, cars lead to many problems, of which are dangerous for human being. But cars is a current way of life, and people need them indeed. Maybe the best way to solve the problem is to develop new types of energy to replace the fossil fuel.

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 28-4-2010 13:04
罕见的report类型嘛

作者: vrwar 时间: 28-4-2010 13:09
这个水平的竟然是5.5-6。。。。信心被打击得一塌糊涂

作者: vrwar 时间: 28-4-2010 13:12
感觉LZ语句还比较流畅，是不是模板痕迹比较明显的问题

作者: seraph77 时间: 28-4-2010 13:16
标题: 回复 #2 小小白虎的帖子
罕见。。。？咋个罕见法。。

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 28-4-2010 13:23
According to the documentary film HOME, there are over 1 billion cars in current world, and this number is still increasing rapidly. The consequent side effects include（including吧...一句话哪能有两个谓语捏？） air pollution, tranfic jams, and even wide-spread healthy problems caused by lack of exercise. Taking them into account, should we consider discouraging people to use cars?
给楼主的建议，第一段最好吧观点给给出了...总分总结构好些

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 28-4-2010 13:28
What would happen when we had used off all the deposit?
这个use off sth？有这个用法么？

作者: seraph77 时间: 28-4-2010 13:30
标题: 回复 #6 小小白虎的帖子
side effects是副作用吧，我记得一般是用复数形式。 The consequent side effects 是整个的主语啊。include我当时考虑了下，不过没想到更合适的词。。

不过总分总的结构我确实没大采用过，因为第一段会拉得很长。。。以后试着写两篇总分总的看看，多谢了哈。。

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 28-4-2010 13:31
life with a car seems happier with life without it.
with life without it？有这种说法么，楼主有点中式英语...大家都有中式英语的问题，找个英语是母语的人批改下吧

作者: seraph77 时间: 28-4-2010 13:32
标题: 回复 #7 小小白虎的帖子
嗯，这个纯属记错介词的了。。。应该是use up。。

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 28-4-2010 13:36

原帖由 seraph77 于 28-4-2010 13:30 发表

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side effects是副作用吧，我记得一般是用复数形式。 The consequent side effects 是整个的主语啊。include我当时考虑了下，不过没想到更合适的词。。

不过总分总的结构我确实没大采用过，因为第一段会拉得很长。 ...

不好意思，我没看清楚，我原先指是include和后面caused这两个谓语...
后来发觉caused是和health problems搭配的

作者: seraph77 时间: 28-4-2010 13:43
标题: 回复 #9 小小白虎的帖子
额，这里应该是than without it. 这属于低级错误

看来到网上找个批改的比较好。。
不过我感觉我写完总会有些拼写之类的错误，再不然就是顺手写错一些词，这种错误咋解决。。。检查的话时间很短的，也未必检查的出来。
后面两段时间有点紧，词汇没多做考虑，如果多一些时间的话会写的更好些。问题是考试时候不可能多时间的。。。小作文我很少在20分钟之内搞定过，一般是22分钟左右。
比如这篇我回头检查，还是能找到些错误的，例如上面的than随手写成with的问题。不过考试时候想避免这些问题。。不太可能。我上次考试检查了3分钟就检查出2处拼写，还把life写成wife。。。一般我检查的时间都不超过5分钟的。。。
高手说说咋样能弄得更好呢。。。我现在觉得做题目不是个捷径，我干脆回到单词积累的老路，狂背单词和词组。但这样显然提高很慢的。。。

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 28-4-2010 13:49

原帖由 seraph77 于 28-4-2010 13:43 发表

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额，这里应该是than without it. 这属于低级错误

看来到网上找个批改的比较好。。
不过我感觉我写完总会有些拼写之类的错误，再不然就是顺手写错一些词，这种错误咋解决。。。检查的话时间很短的，也未必检查的出 ...

唯手熟尔...平时练习越多，考试的时候发挥越正常

作者: tigerdigi 时间: 28-4-2010 16:48
通读了一遍，觉得这篇作文拿5.5到6分一点也不奇怪，很正常的分数。

个人浅见觉得有三点问题：
1.作文拿高分最大的障碍是逻辑。此文逻辑只能算勉强过得去，但并不是十分清晰。特别是第二段和第三段的承接，总有点说不出来的感觉。记住，鬼子们的思维是“僵化”的，逻辑关系一定要非常清楚。
2.句式用得还行，但词汇不太够，重复的词用得太多给人累赘的感觉。要加强同义替换。
做到以上两点，应该可以拿到6.5分。

3.论点论据太平实了，观点也不出彩。总之，一切都让人觉得也就这样了。当然拿不到高分。
这点难度比较高，呵呵。但如果想拿7分以上，没办法，继续努力吧。

作者: tigerdigi 时间: 28-4-2010 17:02
补充一下，如果是我写的话，我想可能是按以下思路，请大家指正。

1.汽车给人的生活带来了很多便利，但越来越多的汽车也造成了很多问题。
2.论据1、2、3...
3.但单纯的不鼓励或是限制汽车的使用并不能很好的解决问题，还会带来更多的矛盾。论据1、2、3...
4.个人的意见，解决的方案，例如大力发展公共交通，从而引导对私人汽车的需求，等等。总结。

但是好像写完的字数会太多了。。。写不完。。。

作者: seraph77 时间: 28-4-2010 17:41
标题: 回复 #15 tigerdigi 的帖子
嗯。。你所说的逻辑不明确是不是指我的二三段必须是严格的逻辑对立？即限制汽车 VS 不限制汽车，或者汽车的坏处 VS 汽车的好处？就是说我不可能第二段大讲特讲汽车的坏处，然后第三段变成讲 “限制汽车”的坏处，而应该讲汽车的好处？
我写第三段的时候就是感觉时间会不够，所以没有时间细想逻辑问题，而且论据也很粗糙。好像我之前考的时候也是这样，开头段和第二段写的比较细，然后第三段开始拉快速度，结尾草草。。

[ 本帖最后由 seraph77 于 28-4-2010 17:43 编辑 ]

作者: seraph77 时间: 28-4-2010 17:44
看来还是要多加练习，要做到在35分钟内从从容容写完280+词的水准吧。。
然后可能是要每一段都要卡时间，构思+第一段 12分钟，第二段9分钟，第三段9分钟，结尾5分钟。。。
晚上按照这个思路练练看。
LS给我的启发是应该在写第三段仔细想一下逻辑问题，做好承接上文的工作。试试看

[ 本帖最后由 seraph77 于 28-4-2010 17:47 编辑 ]

作者: sunny_ye 时间: 28-4-2010 19:46
LZ的文章的确在5.5的水平，问题很多。
这种report式的文章，一般都是大众的观点，所以第一段里面的最后一句：
Taking them into account, should we consider discouraging people to use cars?就很没有意义，文章要你阐述的问题已经摆在那里了，再这样写出来就很多余了。同理，第二段里的Nobody knows,也是显得很多余。第一段里都是简单句，没有用到连接词，显得很生硬，很容易招致扣分。

我觉得第二段里的三个问题可以挑两个单独成两段，然后每个问题引申一下它的原因和后果，稍微展开一下，因为考作文主要是你的论证能力，这部分也是最难的部分。

第四段再针对题目中第二个问题做回答，同时带一下前面两段的问题简单提一下解决方法，
最后一段就总结一下就可以结束了。

感觉LZ练的还不够，十天模板的痕迹比较明显，语句连贯性不强，还需要多努力。

推荐你去看一本书，希望能对你有所启发。
雅思写作套路剖析与范例大全，

作者: seraph77 时间: 28-4-2010 21:37
标题: 回复 #18 sunny_ye 的帖子
多谢。
不过第一段不是要把题目简单的重述么？我那句问句是打算用别的写法来简述题目观点的。。
还有第二段三个问题挑两个成两段，好像也能写。。这样是用了开头——正方观点1——正方观点2——反方观点1——结尾的结构么？5段？
模板坚决不能用，我也是打算看一下别的文章，抛开自己的模板思路。其实这篇作文是借鉴了雅思考官范文的结构，四段式两边论证的格式。第三段和结尾的确写得不好。
还有就是多谢你的推荐，我去看看那本书。

作者: sunny_ye 时间: 28-4-2010 22:30
引用原文题目的方法有很多，你可以说：
There are a number of issues caused by the excessive use of cars, some of these major problems are discussed in this essay.
那本书里有两种类型论文的不同的开头和论证的写法的介绍的，你看过了之后应该会有所领悟。我以前写作的时候也是不得要领，看过之后才对雅思作文有了完整得认识，希望你能尽快解脱出来，别再受煎熬和给鬼子送钱了。

[ 本帖最后由 sunny_ye 于 28-4-2010 22:32 编辑 ]

作者: seraph77 时间: 29-4-2010 12:56
新作，不期望浪费大家时间看，只希望能看到自己一次比一次进步。

37分钟，346词。仍然结尾有点匆忙，而且觉得写得多余了。。。。作文这东西开笔了很多东西不太受自己控制。。。
题目
Some people think that universities should provide knowledge and skills related to future career. Others think the true function of the university is to give access to knowledge for its own sake. What is your opinion?
作文
Arguments about whether the skills preparing for students' future career should be taught in universities exist widely, as some people consider that most students will join the companies so that the skills related to their career are essential, while others hold that universities should ever be places for offering access to knowledge for its own sake. In this essay, I will try disscussing about their reasons and giving my own opinion.

Teaching knowledge and skills related to students' future career could apparently enhance the competitiveness of them. For example, if the students have been taught about how to write a beautiful resume, they are more likely to get a chance for interview than those have not. After all, targeted education could often brings wanted result. Furthermore, in current economic situation, not to be unemployment is the firstly important issue once they have graduated, so considerably, courses on careers are popular with the students to some extent.

However, some people believe that the universities are shrine for knowledge itself, and the resposibility of them is to cultivate professionnal persons in various realms, so they must be pure. If someone wants to have courses for future career, he should go to the vacational school, not colleges. In contrary, if the universities opened a lot of courses for career education, they might not be able to focus on their original professional education. In other words, universities and vacational schools shoule not be mixed together.

In my opinion, there are hundreds of thousands of students in today's universities, but not everyone of them could be scientists, literator or artists in the future, while in fact most of them will join companies after they graduate. So I do agree that the universities can open a few courses for students' future career, because only a few courses will not ruin the nature of universities themselves, but they could help the students a lot.

In conclusion, I agree with opening career courses in the universities, not too many. But what courses to open, and how many there should be, are still under discussion.

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 29-4-2010 13:16
In this essay, I will try disscussing about their reasons and giving my own opinion.
呵呵...这个这个这个...还是在第一段明确表达下自己的观点吧，你心里要有个数啊，到底支持哪一方。
不然外国人看得很糊涂滴

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 29-4-2010 13:17
楼主非常勤奋～～就这一点，我相信楼主一定能过的！！继续批哦...
其实指出语法错误已经没有意义了，主要还是锻炼思路...如何在规定时间规定字数内把观点表达清楚

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 29-4-2010 13:20
以下句子都是我从剑桥里面的阅读文章上面摘抄的我认为不错的在写作里面可以用的句子，有些转折和写法很值得我们借鉴，希望对你有帮助哦！
1. It comes with strong opposition from sb.
2. This phenomenon can be partly attributed to sth
3. It has now reached a point where a growing number of people believe that bring it dwon will be one of the great challenges of the 21st century
4. During the (industrial revolution/population explosion/economic cooperation)of the 21st centuries, the demand for …is rising (dramatically/rapidly).
5. The pollution of water, the enervation of soil, the destruction of wildlife, the harm to animal welfare and the threat to human health is majority health hazard.
6. Before solutions could be proposed, the problem had to be understood.
7. Sb lacks access to sth
8. Sb is falling behind in efforts to solve these problems
9. The consequences of sth extend beyond sth
10. The focus is slowly shifting back to sth
11. Sb figured out (how to do sht/that)
12. Sth bring great benefits to hundreds of millions of people
13. Dispite our progress, sb still suffers from
14. The growth of sth is not rising as rapidly as someone predicted
15. They played an essential role in raising awareness and interest among sth
16. Moreover,recent evidence suggests that it may be more adaptable than was thought
17. Such projects must be built with more accountability to local people and their environment

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