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标题: 我也发篇G类作文...大家交流下，狠狠批... [打印本页]

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 13-4-2010 19:49
标题: 我也发篇G类作文...大家交流下，狠狠批...
Some people say that children should learn second language as early as possible. Do you agree?（4月17日G类作文预测）
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During the international economic cooperation of 21th centuries, the demand of higher foreign language ability is rising rapidly. Despite the frequently communication worldwide, people still suffers from language barriers. Some figure out that kids should learn more than one kind of language as early as they begin to learn speaking. I agree with this opinion up to a point.

Obviously, the language education today is falling behind in efforts to meet requirements. However, a person who has learnt two languages at the very beginning could be better prepared for modern society, because of their outstanding multiple language skills. In the first place, the learning speed of children is far more quickly than adults, especially in language. This phenomenon can be partly attributed to the studying methods, while baby can take it easily in their own way which is a born talent. Next, if kids acquire two kinds of tongues, they may think as well as talk in both of them. They will become native speakers in these two languages. Furthermore, they can use these skills in many situations. For instance, someone who speaks both English and Chinese can survive in majority countries.

At the mean time, it comes with strong opposition from others who argue that we are suppose to give our children a delightful childhood, we should not force them to learn such things. I think it is a duty to make our children adapt for the social needs. Unfortunately, lots of children in my country never access a foreign language, and even do not mention to use it. They just lose the chance to see the whole world.

As a conclusion, to learn second language as early as possible can bring great benefits to our children. We should provide more opportunities for them to join these foreign language surroundings.

作者: albert-shen08 时间: 13-4-2010 20:09
During the international economic cooperation of 21th centuries(y)(比较老套~~), the demand of higher foreign language ability is rising rapidly. Despite the frequently communication (worldwide 放在前面?), people still suffer(s) from language barriers. Some figure out that kids should learn more than one (kind of) language as early as they (begin to learn speaking直接用could?). I agree with this opinion up to a point(有点怪，说不上来为什么).

作者: albert-shen08 时间: 13-4-2010 20:27
Obviously, the language education today is falling behind in efforts to meet requirements. However, a person who has learnt two languages at the very beginning could be better prepared for modern society, because of their outstanding multiple language skills. （这前后两句感觉非常跳跃）In the first place, the learning speed of children is far more quickly than (that of) adults, especially in language. This phenomenon can be partly attributed to the studying methods, (while baby can take it easily in their own way which is a born talent两个whxx感觉也不舒服，说不出来为啥

). Next, if kids acquire two kinds of tongues, they may think （as well as 楼主想增加字数啊

）talk in both of them. They will become （native speakers不能说会语言就是nativespeaker吧？顶多只能说like native speakers ）in these two languages. Furthermore, they can use these skills in many situations. For instance, someone who speaks both English and Chinese can survive in majority countries.
总的说来，楼主的论据好发散啊，貌似不能有效的支持你的论点，另外furthermore后面的好像和前面的关系不大，一个讲尽早学习，一个讲好处。

作者: albert-shen08 时间: 13-4-2010 20:38
At the mean time, (it comes with改为there are会不会可读性强点) strong opposition from others who argue that we are suppose(d) to give our children a delightful childhood, we should not force them to learn (such things.a second language) I think it is a duty to make our children adapt for(to) the social needs. Unfortunately, lots of children in my country never access (to) a foreign language, (and even do not mention, let alone? )to use it. They just lose the chance to see the whole world.

As a conclusion, to learn second language as early as possible can bring great benefits to our children. We should provide more opportunities for them to join these foreign language surroundings.

作者: albert-shen08 时间: 13-4-2010 20:50
本人也是小白一个，几点建议供楼主参考
1. 尽量采用实意词，楼主第三段中的such things我就觉得大可不必，如果考官比较累的话，是不会回头去找你说的such things是什么东西的，为了是词汇更加丰富，可以采用同意替换，但是玩暧昧，不好!

2. 尽量不要在主旨句中采用同义替换，如楼主第三段的delightful childhood确实比较拉风，但是容易使人曲解原意，难道学第二门外语，生活就不delightful了么

。而且这样做容易使自己写着写着就写delightful life去了，我就经常这样，

。
3. 有些介词搭配和主谓一致的问题。平时要多注意下~~
4. 另外楼主的长句偏少，标点符号用的过多，如第二段的because of 前面的都好，完全可以不要~

看样子楼主是副申，加油楼主~~

作者: tryimm 时间: 13-4-2010 21:09
21th -->>21st

其他正在改，待会发上来。

[ 本帖最后由 tryimm 于 13-4-2010 21:10 编辑 ]

作者: sususu119 时间: 13-4-2010 21:26
During the international economic cooperation of 21th centuries, the demand of(for) higher foreign language ability is rising rapidly. Despite the frequently (frequent，用形容词)communication worldwide(这句话没明白楼主的意思啊）, people still suffers(suffer，people是复数） from language barriers. Some (some people)figure out that kids should learn more than one kind (kinds)of language as early as they begin to learn speaking. I agree with this opinion up to a point.

Obviously, the language education today is falling behind in efforts to meet requirements. However, a person who has learnt two languages at the very beginning could be better prepared for modern society, because of their outstanding multiple language skills. In the first place, the learning speed of children is far more quickly than adults, especially in language. This phenomenon can be partly attributed to the studying methods, while baby can take it easily in their own way which is a born talent. Next, if kids acquire two kinds of tongues, they may think as well as talk in both of them. They will become native speakers in these two languages. Furthermore, they can use these skills in many situations. For instance, someone who speaks both English and Chinese can survive in majority countries.

At the mean time, it comes with strong opposition from others who argue that we are suppose(supposed) to give our children a delightful childhood, we should not force them to learn such things. I think it is a duty to make our children adapt for(to) the social needs. Unfortunately, lots of children in my country never access a foreign language, and even do not mention to use it. They just lose the chance to see the whole world.

As a conclusion, to learn (to learn改成learning,动名词做主语)second language as early as possible can bring great benefits to our children. We should provide more opportunities for(to) them to join these foreign language surroundings.

[ 本帖最后由 sususu119 于 13-4-2010 21:28 编辑 ]

作者: sususu119 时间: 13-4-2010 21:30
我觉得楼主用词蛮好的，不过语法要注意一下，加油!

作者: crystali99 时间: 13-4-2010 21:40
作文考了6分的人来凑个热闹，不敢说批，只是交流。
我在语感语法上还可以，构思、idea上不咋的，所以，就帮你润色一下句子吧，不过我的润色也只是一家之言，很多地方其实只是风格、习惯不同。

During the international economic cooperation of 21th centuries, the demand of higher foreign language ability is rising rapidly.
With the enhancement of international economic cooperation in the 21st century, the demand for stronger foreign language competence arises.

Despite the frequently communication worldwide, people still suffers from language barriers. Some figure out that kids should learn more than one kind of language as early as they begin to learn speaking. I agree with this opinion up to a point.
Amid the frequent communication worldwide, people suffer from language barriers. In light of this, some suggest that kids should learn more than one language, starting even in early childhood, maybe when they just started to learn how to speak. I agree with this to some extent.

Obviously, the language education today is falling behind in efforts to meet requirements.
Obviously, the language education today is falling behind in its efforts to meeting the demands.

However, a person who has learnt two languages at the very beginning could be better prepared for modern society, because of their outstanding multiple language skills.
这句感觉跟上一句的转折有点不太对，好像不能构成转折。
But still, it managed to demonstrate how a person with outstanding multiple language skills could be better prepared for the modern society.

In the first place, the learning speed of children is far more quickly than adults, especially in language.
So why start with children? 为了感觉连贯一点加了这一句。
In the first place, children learn far more quickly than adults, especially in languages.

This phenomenon can be partly attributed to the studying methods, while baby can take it easily in their own way which is a born talent.
This can be partly attributed to the way that children learn. They can take it in easily. It seems to be a born gift.

Next, if kids acquire two kinds of tongues, they may think as well as talk in both of them. They will become native speakers in these two languages.
Also, if children acquire two sets of tongues since early age, it is easier for them to think as well as talk in both of them, making them native speakers of both.

Furthermore, they can use these skills in many situations. For instance, someone who speaks both English and Chinese can survive in majority countries.
Furthermore, they can use these skills in many situations. For instance, someone who speaks both English and Chinese can survive in a majority of countries. （这句的逻辑和上文好像不是特别连贯，只改了a majority of）

At the mean time, it comes with strong opposition from others who argue that we are suppose to give our children a delightful childhood, we should not force them to learn such things. I think it is a duty to make our children adapt for the social needs. Unfortunately, lots of children in my country never access a foreign language, and even do not mention to use it. They just lose the chance to see the whole world.
However, opposition holds that children are supposed to have fun in childhood, so we should not force them to learn such things.
Nonetheless, I believe it is our duty to adapt our children to the social needs. And unfortunately lots of children in my country never have access to a foreign language, not to mention using it. They are denied of a chance to see the outside world. （其实没有学习外语也不是这些孩子不能see the world的理由）

As a conclusion, to learn second language as early as possible can bring great benefits to our children. We should provide more opportunities for them to join these foreign language surroundings.
It is therefore apparent to me that learning a second language as early as possible can bring great benefits to our children, and we should pave the way.

[ 本帖最后由 crystali99 于 13-4-2010 22:13 编辑 ]

作者: tryimm 时间: 13-4-2010 22:00
标题: 改了一下，供楼主参考。
Entering into the 21st century, the relationship between countries is becoming closer than ever before, so the demand of bilinguist is rising rapidly. Some figure out children should learn two or more languages as early as they can. I think that children would benefit from this if they try to learn foreign languages at an early age.

Obviously, there are some positive factors for children to grasp a foreign language. In the first place, most children have better memory than adults and this is the key factor when it comes to learning a foreign language. As a result, the learning speed of children is faster than that of adults. Next, kids have plenty of time for practicing foreign language while adults have to spend more time on working and other social stuff. Once a child becomes an adult, he or she surely can hardly spend so adequate time on studying. From our own life experience, we can find plenty of evidence to support this point. Furthermore, more and more electronic educational equipments and computer software appear nowadays, and it makes easy for children to learn foreign languages by teaching themselves instead of inviting teachers.

However, some argue that we should not force them to learn foreign languages too early and children should have a delightful childhood. In my opinion, it is parents’ duty to tell children that this is the best time for them to be a bilinguist who will not suffer from language barriers after growing up. Unfortunately, some children in my country never touch with a foreign language, not even using it, because nobody told them to do so. They just lose the best chance to learn other languages.

As a conclusion, learning a foreign language as early as possible can bring great benefit to our children. We should provide more opportunities for them to enjoy the fun of speaking a foreign language.

很抱歉没有用修订，太麻烦了。
不当之处，请指正。

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 14-4-2010 15:23

原帖由 albert-shen08 于 13-4-2010 20:50 发表

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本人也是小白一个，几点建议供楼主参考
1. 尽量采用实意词，楼主第三段中的such things我就觉得大可不必，如果考官比较累的话，是不会回头去找你说的such things是什么东西的，为了是词汇更加丰富，可以采用同意替换 ...

恩，感觉我思路混乱...时态语态错误很多...回去加紧练习

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 14-4-2010 15:24

原帖由 sususu119 于 13-4-2010 21:26 发表

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During the international economic cooperation of 21th centuries, the demand of(for) higher foreign language ability is rising rapidly. Despite the frequently (frequent，用形容词)communication worldwid ...

帮我找出好些语法错误哦，谢谢你啦

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 14-4-2010 15:26

原帖由 crystali99 于 13-4-2010 21:40 发表

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作文考了6分的人来凑个热闹，不敢说批，只是交流。
我在语感语法上还可以，构思、idea上不咋的，所以，就帮你润色一下句子吧，不过我的润色也只是一家之言，很多地方其实只是风格、习惯不同。

During the intern ...

你用词和语句组织比我好多了...这个不是一蹴而就的
水平只有这点点嘛，呵呵

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 14-4-2010 15:37

原帖由 tryimm 于 13-4-2010 22:00 发表

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Entering into the 21st century, the relationship between countries is becoming closer than ever before, so the demand of bilinguist is rising rapidly. Some figure out children should learn two or more ...

果然换种思路感觉完全不一样

作者: 行如旋风 时间: 14-4-2010 20:41
foreign language ability？没见过这么用的，这类能力都叫skill吧？

the frequently communication，明明需要修饰的是名词communication,为什么要用副词，应该用形容词修饰名词。

people still suffers....不应该就第三人称单数，这里是复数名词，东西用原型

that kids should，kids是很口语的用法，就是小屁孩的意思，用children更恰当

For instance, someone who speaks both English and Chinese can survive in majority countries这个结论没什么道理吧，能讲2种语言就能在大多数国家survive了？不见得吧？能讲2种语言的乞丐我可见过一些。

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 15-4-2010 13:27

原帖由 行如旋风 于 14-4-2010 20:41 发表

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foreign language ability？没见过这么用的，这类能力都叫skill吧？

the frequently communication，明明需要修饰的是名词communication,为什么要用副词，应该用形容词修饰名词。

people still suffers....不应 ...

呵呵，可见我犯了很多语法错误和用词不准确的错误哦。
最后一句意思是会英语和中文的人去大多数国家交流都没有问题，只是表达得不好，变成suvive了，呵呵

作者: racyleaf 时间: 15-4-2010 14:40
你的文章看上去很规整，不知道手写起来会不会也能有这种感觉，但是仔细看下来，感觉有些飘忽，你可以买一本胡敏的雅思高分作文，想得高分，确实还得下狠功夫，前提是通篇不要让考官找到明显的语法错误，什么单复数啊，副词，形容词啊的正确使用。根据你的语法现状，我建议从短句练起，而且词组搭配也要多练，多看看英文报刊，一些固定搭配自然就记住了。这个没办法，放下的时间长了，捡起来就不那么容易，但是既然决定到澳洲来，英语的提高势在必行。

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 15-4-2010 14:48

原帖由 racyleaf 于 15-4-2010 14:40 发表

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你的文章看上去很规整，不知道手写起来会不会也能有这种感觉，但是仔细看下来，感觉有些飘忽，你可以买一本胡敏的雅思高分作文，想得高分，确实还得下狠功夫，前提是通篇不要让考官找到明显的语法错误，什么单复数啊 ...

恩，短时间内要实际提高英语水平是不太可能的，现在都是为了应付考试指标不治本的方法
你指出的几个问题我会注意的。

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