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标题: G类大作文一篇练习，请指点。 [打印本页]

作者: tryimm 时间: 13-4-2010 15:56
标题: G类大作文一篇练习，请指点。
上周G类的大作文：in some societies more and more people choose to live on their own,what reason for this,and is it a postive or negative trend?
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In some countries today, more and more people, especially many young men and women, begin to live on their own ability without help from their parents.

I think there are three reasons why they do this. Firstly, the grown children want to know more about the society without any strict regulars from their parents. So they can make decisions by themselves, such as whether they would take part in some social activities, or which type of clothes they could buy. Secondly, the telecommunication makes it is possible for them to keep touch with their families and friends without face to face. They can send an email to them to tell whatever they want, or they may have a video chat with their families on the internet thus they can see each other. Finally, there are more job opportunities waiting for them so that they can make a living by their hands. With their own salary, they can rent flats or buy laptops without their parents’ permission. They can live in a freely style.

Personally, I think there some advantages for people to live on their own. They can obtain more living experience so that they can become more social than those living on their families. Perhaps they can make more friends during living on their own. Furthermore, if they are frustrated by failure, they might revalue themselves and try to improve themselves again.

However, one thing must be pointed that the generation gap maybe widen than before when people live on their own ability because they might have not much time to communicate with their families. I hope both families and young people can take action to combat this situation to improve the family bonds.
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最后一段不知道该不该加，但是我的思维很自然地想到了写这些话，就是要表述一下live on own也有一些问题的。
请各位指点。
还有，审题也有不解，到底该不该侧重年轻人自力更生，还是各种类型的人、那样就很难写了。

谢谢。

作者: dfzl 时间: 13-4-2010 16:33
我也写了这篇，不过时间不够了，汗~~~
原因一，我写的是人们越来越关注隐私；
原因二，年轻人希望独立。

当然后面那两段也是必要的，因为题目中要你分析这个趋势的优劣，然后给出自己的观点。

但是我写的比较口水话，很直白，没有你这篇看起来正式点... 汗...

作者: yangyuege 时间: 13-4-2010 16:46
随便评点一下哈，毕竟本人也不是专业，楼主就当看看玩好了。

首先声明，在审题上我就不做评点了，还是那句话，我不是专业的，不敢保证自己的审题就是对的，呵呵。

整篇文章在结构上是很好的，没有什么问题，对于楼主自己的疑虑，最后那段该不该加的问题，我觉得是应该加的。楼主对于positive or negative的论述方法是一面倒型的，也就是说一上来就已经点明了"I think there are some advantages for..."，这种结构最好在最后再加一点反面的论述，通篇就会显得比较客观，但是反面论述的论点不能太强烈以至于打乱了一面倒的结构，这一点上楼主这篇文章做的很好，正面观点有3个advantage，但是反面只是说了一点generation gap，可以说是很完美的。结构上应该能有7分。

在语法和词汇方面。。。文中有一些不大不小的语法错误，以及一些读着有些别扭的句子，而且用词比较普通，没有特别fancy的词汇，所以词汇语法上，楼主这篇文章应该是5.5到6分左右。。。

综合下来，这篇文章应该可以拿到6分到6.5分的，貌似楼主是IT的？那应该就能过关了，呵呵。

再次重申，我不是专业的哦，点评得不准不许骂我：）

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 13-4-2010 18:00
我看到过51雅思上面关于这篇文章的评论，给我的感觉并不是侧重年轻人的独立，也可能是老年人的独居。
不过我想楼主这样写问题也不大咯。

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 13-4-2010 18:04
In some countries today, more and more people, especially many young men and women, begin to live on their own ability without help from their parents.
第一段除了写现象之外是不是也可以适当滴加上作者的观点，然后二三段再展开呢？不然第一段总是感觉不太丰满，呵呵！

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 13-4-2010 18:21
I think there are three reasons（说不上什么好坏的，帮楼主换点单词吧，尽量注意单词多样性factors） why they do this. Firstly, the grown children want to know more about the society without any strict regulars from their parents. So（as a result;thus;therefore） they can make decisions by themselves, such as whether they would take part in some social activities, or which type of clothes they could buy. Secondly, the telecommunication makes it is possible for them to keep（in） touch with their families and friends without face to face（without face to face?怎么觉得怪怪的）. They can send an email to them to tell whatever they want, or they may have a video chat with their families on the internet thus they can see each other. Finally, there are more（abundant） job opportunities waiting for them so that they can make a living by their hands. With their own salary, they can rent flats or buy laptops without（这个词出现多次啦，换下句型吧） their parents’ permission. They can live in a freely style.

作者: ma.qy 时间: 13-4-2010 18:26
LS的，你的名字真可爱。。。。

作者: albert-shen08 时间: 13-4-2010 18:28
我也不知道题意是什么，但我觉得楼主用了太多的they can……和较多的without~~，有一些语法错误和介词搭配错误

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 13-4-2010 18:32

原帖由 ma.qy 于 13-4-2010 17:26 发表

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LS的，你的名字真可爱。。。。

谢谢夸奖～～名字是老虎，头像是熊猫，别认错了

作者: ma.qy 时间: 13-4-2010 18:34

原帖由 小小白虎 于 13-4-2010 17:32 发表

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谢谢夸奖～～名字是老虎，头像是熊猫，别认错了

哈哈。名字是白虎。嘿嘿。

作者: seraph77 时间: 13-4-2010 18:44
我写的是单身和婚姻。。。
很多人会选择独居，但有些人更倾向婚姻。。。。

作者: seraph77 时间: 13-4-2010 18:59
因为live on one's own不是独立生活，独居的意思吗。当时想任何年龄段的人都可以选择独居，例如18岁成年到老都可以，但是在大学毕业到老这段时间内，独居基本上VERSUS 婚姻。。。只有在比如大学高中期间，独居可能涉及早早独立啊，尽快汲取社会经验啊之类的。鉴于G类考试不大面向学生。。。所以我就假定 living on one's own VERSUS marriage.了。。。
难道跑题了。。。因为他没说youngster啊，如果说比如youngster, teenager我肯定不会写婚姻的。
所以。。我写成了Keeping single VERSUS traditional marriage.....

作者: yangyuege 时间: 13-4-2010 19:01
楼上的不用太担心啊，这种题目本来就有多种可能性的，只要你后面的论点论据比较合理，应该不会判你偏题的。

作者: seraph77 时间: 13-4-2010 19:16
标题: 回复 #13 yangyuege 的帖子
多谢！
后面写的是大致是独居者生活较简单，事业上有一些优势。生活也比较随意，例如男性可以同时keep a few relationships.
然后就是传统婚姻是社会的基石，社会的基本道德和法律很多都是围绕家庭来制定的，因为社会需要保证下一代的正常成长。并且选择独居的人往往也不会避讳SEX，由此造成的很多没爹妈的娃和单亲家庭，已经成为了重要的社会问题。
结论是，独居者有独居的自由，但有些人认为婚姻更是一种责任。等等等等。。。
自己是感觉没有偏题啦。。。

作者: crystali99 时间: 13-4-2010 20:11
老实说这次审题我也觉得比较难。
我就是怀疑题目是不是想侧重single但是又不想太明白、好让人上当，所以才这么含糊地说live on ones own，所以我也没有点明白，也没敢很具体地往不结婚上面靠，而只是笼统地说成独自生活。

我觉得我思维根本就很僵化，竟然连注重隐私都没说出来。

作者: tryimm 时间: 13-4-2010 21:39
非常感谢各位的评价。
我也觉得用without太多了，句型变化不多，我再改改。

还有个问题比较困惑，看了《10天作文》好久了，模板也准备过几个，不知道为什么实战时就不知道怎么用了？不知道各位是怎么把模板套到一个新题目中的。

作者: tryimm 时间: 13-4-2010 23:03
标题: 回复 #5 小小白虎的帖子
同意，第一段确实太少了，主要是思路不开阔。

作者: babyspring 时间: 13-4-2010 23:24
感觉自己审题倒是成了问题，显得非常僵硬。楼主词汇显得普通，不过论述还比较清晰。

贴个题目：看看这个可以将些什么观点？

Many parents think advertising only tells information about snacks and toys to children. But companies think advertising also tells useful information. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

作者: tryimm 时间: 14-4-2010 01:28
标题: 回复 #18 babyspring 的帖子
参与一下：
Many parents think advertising only tells information about snacks and toys to children. But companies think advertising also tells useful information. In my opinion, they both are right from their angles.

to parents:
1.many advertisings spend more time showing the snacks and toys and less time on other useful information.
2.When talking about the same advertising,most of parents can remember the main content of it.That is to say they ignore other fuction of the advertising.
3.As to the children,when they see a advertising about snack or toy they might turn to their parents directly to ask for that snack or toy regardless of other information of it.

to companies:
1.Many companies spend more money designing the advertising so that more usefull information could be shown.
2.There are too many companies to product the same product, in order to get more market share they must tell customers the adventages of their products contrast to others.

In a conclusion, advertising shown to customers often contains plenty of information,althoug companies try to show more information about their products, the customers, including parents and children, will just obtain the information they want.

作者: R08813 时间: 14-4-2010 10:39
In some countries today, more and more people, especially many young men and women, begin to live on their own without any help from their parents.
I think there are three reasons for this. Firstly, young people want to know more about the society without any strict regulations from their parents. As a result, they can make decisions for themselves, such as whether they would take part in social activities, or which type of clothes to buy. Secondly, telecommunication has become possible for them to keep in touch with their family and friends without meeting face to face. They can send an email to them to tell them whatever they want, or they may have a video chat with their family on the internet and see each other. Finally, there are more job opportunities waiting for them so that they can make a living by their hands. With their own salary, they can rent flats or buy laptops without their parents’ permission. They can live with more freedom.

Personally, I think there are some advantages for people to live on their own. They can obtain more living experience so that they can become more socialised than those living with their family. Perhaps they can make more friends by living on their own. Furthermore, if they are frustrated by failure, they might revalue themselves and try to improve themselves again.

However, one thing must be pointed out is that the generation gap [maybe widen] / [maybe wider than before] if people live on their own because they might not have much time to communicate with their family. I hope both families and young people can take action to combat this situation to improve the family bonds.

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 14-4-2010 13:10

原帖由 babyspring 于 13-4-2010 22:24 发表

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感觉自己审题倒是成了问题，显得非常僵硬。楼主词汇显得普通，不过论述还比较清晰。

贴个题目：看看这个可以将些什么观点？

Many parents think advertising only tells information about snacks and toys to ...

同意，楼主思维比我清晰多了...

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