标题: 作文求修改 [打印本页] 作者: JamesHu 时间: 25-11-2009 05:05 标题: 作文求修改 今天看到有同学贴出自己的作文，很多热情的同志帮忙修改，太感动了。
我考了三次，作文两次5.5，一次6，总觉得作文难写，把最近苦心写的作文贴上来，恳请大家提意见，谢谢了！
小作文 You ordered a new cheque book from your bank two weeks ago but you have received nothing.
Write a letter to the manager complaining about the bad service. Say when and how you ordered the cheque book. Ask how much longer you will have to wait and ask the manager what action he will take over this matter.
You should write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write your own address. Begin your letter as follows:
Dear Sir or Madam
I am writing this letter in order to complain about the bad service of your bank that I received recently.
I have been a customer of your bank for three years. On 8th June, I ordered a new cheque book from your bank considering that I plan to take my holiday next month. It would take me a large amount of money for the holiday as my family members will come with me. As usual, I believe the cheque book would arrive after five working days. However, two weeks have past and I haven’t received the cheque book until now.
Last week I called to your bank for asking the arriving date of my cheque book. One employee of your bank, whose name is Jason Wong, took my call and inform me that he will check the arriving date and offer me a reason that my cheque book was so late. However, I don’t receive any phone call from him or any other employees of yours. I was wondering if it is possible for you to check my cheque book. Furthermore, your service of customer’s response should be improved, otherwise your bank will lose more customers.
I am looking forward to receive your response. Your assistance in this matter would be appreciated.
Yours faithfully
大作文
The Internet is becoming a dominant element in modern life. Discuss its advantages and disadvantages.
Since last century, with the rapid development of information technology, the Internet has brought significant changes to our lives. While some people argue that the Internet leads to negative impacts,I personally have to agree with the statement that the benefits of the Internet far outweigh its drawbacks.
First of all, the Internet is a quick method to acquire information. The latest events, happening all over the world, can be caught up in real-time by the Internet. For example, last year’s huge earthquake in Sichuan province was on the internet just ten minutes after it happened, spreading instantly from China to other countries.
Furthermore, the Internet can help us to communicate effectively and directly. It is, indeed, an undeniable fact that the Internet has changed the way we communicate. As a result, people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone and mail,as well as fax as it is efficient and cheap. Nowadays, when most people arrive at their offices, the first thing they do is to turn on their computers and MSN messenger, which is an instant messaging program to keep in touch with their friends and families.
In spite of these benefits, the negative effects brought by the Internet cannot be denied. It is true that young children could be influenced by inappropriate pictures like violent ones. Some of them, in particular, aren’t able to distinguish right from wrong. Moreover, the Internet provides misleading details of fake products, which could harm customers who regularly shop online. Nevertheless, this trend would not happen frequently.
By ways of conclusion, I once again restate my position that the Internet has had positive impacts in modern life because of its influence on communication and high efficiency.作者: TtiGeR 时间: 25-11-2009 10:33
看了下小作文 不是很有条理，一些理由牵强，时态也比较乱。
开篇比较罗嗦
“I am writing this letter in order to complain about the bad service of your bank that I received recently.”
可以写成
I am writing in regards to my recent poor experience with your service.
比如说 "However, I don’t receive any phone call from him or any other employees of yours."
可以写成 However, I haven't yet heard anything from him or any other staff member.
"Your assistance in this matter would be appreciated"
题目要求“ask the manager what action he will take over this matter”，文中没有明确写出，答题不符合要求
It would be much appreciated if you could look into this issue and let me know what you would do.
“I am looking forward to receive your response.”
Looking forward to后面跟的是名词，而非动词不定式，这种错误往往容易遭到大的扣分
应为 I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours faithfully, 逗号很重要
"Furthermore, your service of customer’s response should be improved, otherwise your bank will lose more customers."
It is critical to ensure that high standards of customer service are being maintained and further improved, or CBA will become less attractive than rivals in today's highly competitive market.
句子不完整。
第三段 communicate with WHO? How about " each other"? 第一句和第二句都在唠叨 communicate.. 第二句是不是可以再补上。。Compared to “When” and “How” ？ 比如 shorten the time
"As a result, people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone and mail,as well as fax as it is efficient and cheap" 含义不清。
最基本该法： 加一个“，”
"As a result, people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone and mail,as well as fax， as it is efficient and cheap" 可是 It 指什么 还是不很清楚。
再改："As a result, due to efficiency and price， people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone, mail and fax. " As well as 是用于突出重点的。除非你想突出 fax 更 efficent and cheap.
第三句例子牵强附会。 你是不是想说 People nowadays can not live without Internet。。。然后举例。。
“instant messaging software ” 不是 programe
第三段。。还是主语不清。。 “Some of them” 指 violent ones 还是 Children and teanagers ? 可以说 Young adult 但 young childern 上网是不是也太小了。
“this trend ” 是指什么趋势？？前面没有谈到趋势。可以说 "These incidents" 或者 “These crimes”
最后总结。套用模板格式不正确。 “my position 。。”
题目说 “Discuss its advantages and disadvantages” 并没有问你的观点和立场。
最后也并没有提到缺点。作者: rommi 时间: 25-11-2009 12:21
提示: 作者被禁止或删除, 无法发言
我就不评论细节了
基本就是这些，做好了 应该就是7分得作文作者: chris605 时间: 25-11-2009 12:33
Dear Sir or Madam
I am writing this letter in order to complain about the bad service of your bank that I received recently.
I have been a customer of your bank for three years. On 8th June, I ordered a new cheque book from your bank considering that I plan to take my holiday next month. It would take me a large amount of money for the holiday as my family members will come with me. As usual, I believe the cheque book would arrive after five working days. However, two weeks have past and I haven’t received the cheque book until now.
Last week I called to your bank for asking the arriving date of my cheque book. One employee of your bank, whose name is Jason Wong, took my call and inform me that he will check the arriving date and offer me a reason that my cheque book was so late. However, I don’t receive any phone call from him or any other employees of yours. I was wondering if it is possible for you to check my cheque book. Furthermore, your service of customer’s response should be improved, otherwise your bank will lose more customers.
I am looking forward to receive your response. Your assistance in this matter would be appreciated.
Yours faithfully
grammar error. employee (customer service officer, call centre staff) ' the arriving date(arrival), etc.
You ordered a new cheque book from your bank two weeks ago but you have received nothing.
Write a letter to the manager complaining about the bad service. Say when and how you ordered the cheque book. Ask how much longer you will have to wait and ask the manager what action he will take over this matter.
You should write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write your own address. Begin your letter as follows:
Dear Sir or Madam：
I am writing this letter in order to
complain about the bad service of your bank that I received recently.
I have been a customer of your bank for three years. On 8th June, I ordered a new cheque book from your bank considering that I plan to take my holiday next month. It would take me a large amount of money for the holiday as my family members will come with me. As usual, I believe the cheque book would arrive after five working days. However, two weeks have past and I haven’t received the cheque book until now.
1.writing this letter to 就够了，后面的in order to 可以省去。
2.去掉bad，虽然题目里有这个词 （所以觉得怪怪的）， 但是犯错的人不是你写信的对象。一开始就下定论，语气太重。
3.第一句的后半句句式易引起confusion，不利于读者分清中心，可以改为： about the service I recently received from your bank.
4.第二句需要略略的修改一下, 如：I have been a royal customer of your bank for three years 这样子才可以看得出他们如何“辜负”了你对他们的信任，从而才可以在后面展开写。不然这句看起来上下不连接。
5.第三、四句顺序掉过来。最好考虑将两句以连接词来合并。
6.需要注意主语的变换，如最后两句。
7.大体结构都在了，但是要注意句与句之间的连贯性。
Last week I called to your bank for asking the arriving date of my cheque book. One employee of your bank, whose name is Jason Wong, took my call and inform me that he will check the arriving date and offer me a reason that my cheque book was so late. However, I don’t receive any phone call from him or any other employees of yours. I was wondering if it is possible for you to check my cheque book. Furthermore, your service of customer’s response should be improved, otherwise your bank will lose more customers.
I am looking forward to receive your response. Your assistance in this matter would be appreciated.
Yours faithfully
1.Last week 如果置前最好后面以逗号与主句分隔。
2.还是连贯性。第二、三句中因该加写他们答应xxx天内给你回复，这样后面就接得上了。
3.第二句可用同为语：A gentlement , Jason Wong, answered.....
4.第二句太多的and连接。
5.第四句以后与complain无关，特别是第四句。应该写写他们这种服务有什么弊端，再写你想他们做什么。而且要求的语气也过弱。
6.look forward to doing
7. receive ....-－> hearing from you
8.faithfully不合适，商业上一般sincerely 就够了。
大作文
The Internet is becoming a dominant element in modern life. Discuss its advantages and disadvantages.
Since last century, with the rapid development of information technology, the Internet has brought significant changes to our lives. While some people argue that the Internet leads to negative impacts,I personally have to agree with the statement that the benefits of the Internet far outweigh its drawbacks.
1.开段不错，能清晰的阐明自己的观点，但是要注意： （1）不要过于夸张，last century-->the past two decades (2) remove "have to" ，没有人逼你同意。 （3）statement -->opinion
First of all, the Internet is a quick method to acquire information. The latest events, happening all over the world, can be caught up in real-time by the Internet. For example, last year’s huge earthquake in Sichuan province was on the internet just ten minutes after it happened, spreading instantly from China to other countries.
1.用从句把第一、二句合起来。
2.在最后加一句来回应第一句。
Furthermore, the Internet can help us to communicate effectively and directly. It is, indeed, an undeniable fact that the Internet has changed the way we communicate. As a result, people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone and mail,as well as fax as it is efficient and cheap. Nowadays, when most people arrive at their offices, the first thing they do is to turn on their computers and MSN messenger, which is an instant messaging program to keep in touch with their friends and families.
1.既然上面用First of all 来开头，这段就不要用futhermore。 Furthermore 一般用于继续展开同一内容。这里可以用Secondly。
2. communicate more .......
3.第二句应为第一句的论据而不是只是陈述internet改变生活。
4.第三句与第一句的论点不符。第四句亦然。
5。既然第一句写internet 在通讯上的effectiveness and directness, 后面就要捉住这两方面来写。
In spite of these benefits, the negative effects brought by the Internet cannot be denied. It is true that young children could be influenced by inappropriate pictures like violent ones. Some of them, in particular, aren’t able to distinguish right from wrong. Moreover, the Internet provides misleading details of fake products, which could harm customers who regularly shop online. Nevertheless, this trend would not happen frequently.
1.以从句合并第二、三句，并注意用词如ones.
2.第四句最好用被动式，不要以internet来做主语。第一句已经讲negative effects，所以从连贯的角度上看，要以negative effects 如 misleading information等来做主语。
By ways of conclusion, I once again restate my position that the Internet has had positive impacts in modern life because of its influence on communication and high efficiency.
1.可能寡闻，从没见过by ways of conclusion, in conclusion 就够了。
2.不需要restate......把第一段的观点改写以下就可以与第一段呼应了。 作者: wj22 时间: 25-11-2009 18:36
To TtiGeR： 唉，都是电脑惹的祸。电脑用多了就会出这种低级错误。作者: JamesHu 时间: 25-11-2009 23:47
探讨下Faithfully 和 Sincerely
来自Longman字典：
Yours sincerely
British use this at the end of formal letters which begin with 'Dear Mr ...', 'Dear Ms ...' etc
Yours faithfully
British use this at the end of formal letters, which began with 'Dear Sir', 'Dear Madam' etc
