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标题: ~~~请大家帮忙看看我的大作文问题在哪？万分感谢~~ [打印本页]

作者: wayne88 时间: 24-1-2014 23:52
标题: ~~~请大家帮忙看看我的大作文问题在哪？万分感谢~~
作文两次都是6.5，感觉总是水平不够。如果天天练习写作，也不知道能不能提高？如果不按时间练习，又没法解决速度问题（我没有按时完成作文，更别提检查了）

40minutes要完成大作文，实在有点难，况且作文topics还得看运气。Academic的小作文又不总是图表题，还得碰运气~~

应该怎么使劲呢？往哪使劲呢？希望大虾们指点一下。

这道题应该是2013.12.7的大作文题目

It is important to preserve both the culture and environment of the places you visit, but some people think it is impossible to be a responsible tourist. Do you agree or disagree?

It is true that cultural preservation and environment protection are vital in tourist destinations .While some people believe that it is hard to travel around the place responsibly without causing any problems. I completely disagree with this view.

The main reason why I think travelers can be responsible tourists is that they can learn more about the local culture and respect it. Before they go to a new place, they are able to learn about the lifestyle, the beliefs and customs in the tourist resorts on different kinds of media. If visitors have a range of knowledge about different aspects of local culture, they tend to behave in an accepted manner there. In addition, tourists should respect local culture because it is quite necessary to help preserve the culture identity of tourist places.

Another reason for being able to responsible visitors is that they can help to protect the local environment. For instance, as travelers, they can choose to travel by public transport such as buses and trains, rather than driving a car, which uses more fossil fuels and creates air pollution. Another good examples are that tourists should put waste such as plastic bottles into rubbish bins and that they can buy less packaged goods when they shop in the high streets of local cities. All these behaviours and activities visitors do are able to contribute to protecting environment.

In conclusion, I totally disagree with the idea that being a responsible visitor is impossible as tourists can take responsibility to help preserve culture and environment.

谢谢大家的建议和时间~

作者: 门外汉1982 时间: 25-1-2014 00:11
我的感觉也是不到7
一个是模板比较明显
还有就是理由没啥说服力
句子个词语足够了

作者: wenming_1011 时间: 25-1-2014 00:30
握爪，我也发现写作很难提高

作者: wayne88 时间: 25-1-2014 00:36

门外汉1982 发表于 25-1-2014 01:11

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我的感觉也是不到7
一个是模板比较明显
还有就是理由没啥说服力

能说说模板是指哪些句子吗？

理由真不好想，因为时间好紧，不过，还是得多想想ideas了

谢谢

作者: 门外汉1982 时间: 25-1-2014 13:54
这些句子我都很熟悉，如果我没说错都是顾家北书里的吧。

其实你用自己的话能组织起来的，相信自己。

It is true that ....... are vital in tourist destinations . some people believe that it is hard to .......... without causing any problems.

The main reason why I think .......... is that ........... If .. have .............................. , they tend to ..........

In addition, tourists should ...... because it is quite necessary to ..........

Another reason for........ is that they can help ..........
. Another good example is that ....... .

I totally disagree with the idea that ................................. .

作者: 门外汉1982 时间: 25-1-2014 15:09
In recent years, cultural preservation and environment protection  attract substantial  attention from the public, more and more people think  they are vital to our society. However, people who are in their vocation always find it difficult to be responsible tourists. I completely disagree with this notion and believe that these people should pay serious attention to the environmental problems.

The main reason why I think travelers can be responsible tourists is that they can learn more about the local culture and respect it. Before they go to a new place, they are able to learn about the lifestyle, the beliefs and customs in the tourist resorts on different kinds of media. If visitors have a range of knowledge about different aspects of local culture, they tend to behave in an accepted manner there. In addition, tourists should respect local culture because it is quite necessary to help preserve the culture identity of tourist places.
(这一段观点没错，但是你的论点没啥关系。论点是要强调，其实在旅游过程中是可以做到cultural preservation and environment protection的。)
你可以这么表达：

Enjoying  local culture and activities is a good way to relax yourself,  and local authorities always send booklets or publish in their websites to  inform tourists what they can do and what they can not do in plain and multiple language.  Tourist can easily follow the rules if they are willing to spend some time to read through. Also, local governments and communities make their best to avoid cultural conflict by  choosing and tailoring their performances, presenting their culture in common ways in order to attract more people to visit. Therefore ,it is no doubt to conclude that people can easily to be a responsible tourist if they want to.
-------最后一句话是确保提醒考官，你是很清楚表达，上面的论点就是为了说明旅游者是很容易做到保护当地文化的。

Another reason for being able to responsible visitors is that they can help to protect the local environment. For instance, as travelers, they can choose to travel by public transport such as buses and trains, rather than driving a car, which uses more fossil fuels and creates air pollution. Another good examples are that tourists should put waste such as plastic bottles into rubbish bins and that they can buy less packaged goods when they shop in the high streets of local cities. All these behaviours and activities visitors do are able to contribute to protecting environment.
--------
第一句another reason就失败了，这里不是问你原因。可以这么说

Perhaps, compared to cultural preservation , it is more important for tourists to protect local environment. Many advice are given by experts and local authorities in terms of how to be environmental responsible. Choosing public transport as possible, collecting waste such as  plastic bottles and eating less packaged food are all good practices.
-----这里很显然需要在加一两句话，不然字数不够了。或者在引入一层意思。
Nowadays, many famous tourist sites are facing serious environmental problems due to undue visitors and their inappropriate behavior. In order to relieve the pressure, the administrations impose many restriction on tourists , decreasing travel satisfaction.  Thus, to be a environmental responsible tourist , not only preserves environment but also improves the tourist satisfaction.

In conclusion, I totally disagree with the idea that being a responsible visitor is impossible as tourists can take responsibility to help preserve culture and environment.
-----这个结束，等于没说什么。需要用自己的语言总结一下
In conclusion, it is not understandable to argue that being a responsible visitor is impossible. Instead,  everyone can make their contribution to preserve the local culture and environment.

作者: 门外汉1982 时间: 25-1-2014 15:13
本帖最后由门外汉1982 于 25-1-2014 16:15 编辑

虽然我不是专业搞雅思的，自己的分数也考的一般。这些都是我自己对作文的理解，真心希望能够帮到你。

7分的作文，你不能用模板或者按照模板的思路去写作文。需要用你自然的语言，不要太计较语法词汇，很顺畅的表达出观点就可以了。

还有一个建议，在作文里，一定要时刻提醒考官，你没有偏题，你所有的论点都是围绕中心思想的。因为对大部分能得到6.5的人来说，词汇和语法都没有问题的。

更多我个人的经验分享在：
https://hioz.us/ibbs/thread-1104149-1-1.html

作者: wayne88 时间: 26-1-2014 00:04

门外汉1982 发表于 25-1-2014 14:54

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这些句子我都很熟悉，如果我没说错都是顾家北书里的吧。

其实你用自己的话能组织起来的，相信自己。

万分感谢你的精力和时间~

顾家北的书确实很久以前看过，感觉就是中翻英，对我帮助不是很大。可能我没花太多的时间去理解。

真不知道这些语言是模板，一直看Simon的范文，总觉得这一点儿过度性的语言是有助于CC
可能是范文看多，不知不觉形成的习惯，因为我一直都不相信模板~

作者: wayne88 时间: 26-1-2014 00:28

门外汉1982 发表于 25-1-2014 16:09

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In recent years, cultural preservation and environment protection attract substantial attention fr ...

In recent years, cultural preservation and environment protection  attract substantial  attention from the public, more and more people think  they are vital to our society. However, people who are in their vocation always find it difficult to be responsible tourists. I completely disagree with this notion and believe that these people should pay serious attention to the environmental problems.
我认为 complete disagree 的观点应该是 impossible to be responsible tourists,但有两个限定条件：culture preservation, and environmental protection.下面两段从这两方面去反驳。

The main reason why I think travelers can be responsible tourists is that they can learn more about the local culture and respect it. Before they go to a new place, they are able to learn about the lifestyle, the beliefs and customs in the tourist resorts on different kinds of media. If visitors have a range of knowledge about different aspects of local culture, they tend to behave in an accepted manner there. In addition, tourists should respect local culture because it is quite necessary to help preserve the culture identity of tourist places.
(这一段观点没错，但是你的论点没啥关系。论点是要强调，其实在旅游过程中是可以做到cultural preservation and environment protection的。)
嗯，好像off-topic或者不是direct answer/argue

你可以这么表达：
这

Enjoying  local culture and activities is a good way to relax yourself,  and local authorities always send booklets or publish in their websites to  inform tourists what they can do and what they can not do in plain and multiple language.  Tourist can easily follow the rules if they are willing to spend some time to read through. Also, local governments and communities make their best to avoid cultural conflict by  choosing and tailoring their performances, presenting their culture in common ways in order to attract more people to visit. Therefore ,it is no doubt to conclude that people can easily to be a responsible tourist if they want to.
-------最后一句话是确保提醒考官，你是很清楚表达，上面的论点就是为了说明旅游者是很容易做到保护当地文化的。
ideas  扣题！

Another reason for being able to responsible visitors is that they can help to protect the local environment. For instance, as travelers, they can choose to travel by public transport such as buses and trains, rather than driving a car, which uses more fossil fuels and creates air pollution. Another good examples are that tourists should put waste such as plastic bottles into rubbish bins and that they can buy less packaged goods when they shop in the high streets of local cities. All these behaviours and activities visitors do are able to contribute to protecting environment.
--------
第一句another reason就失败了，这里不是问你原因。可以这么说
不是很理解? 能解释一下吗？  因为这里要强调的是，be able to/can be responsible tourists in terms of environment, 这个是support 我的opinion: it is possible to be responsible tourists.

Perhaps, compared to cultural preservation , it is more important for tourists to protect local environment. Many advice are given by experts and local authorities in terms of how to be environmental responsible. Choosing public transport as possible, collecting waste such as  plastic bottles and eating less packaged food are all good practices.
-----这里很显然需要在加一两句话，不然字数不够了。或者在引入一层意思。
Nowadays, many famous tourist sites are facing serious environmental problems due to undue visitors and their inappropriate behavior. In order to relieve the pressure, the administrations impose many restriction on tourists , decreasing travel satisfaction.  Thus, to be a environmental responsible tourist , not only preserves environment but also improves the tourist satisfaction.

In conclusion, I totally disagree with the idea that being a responsible visitor is impossible as tourists can take responsibility to help preserve culture and environment.
-----这个结束，等于没说什么。需要用自己的语言总结一下
这个结尾段是restate my opinion,因为是agree and disagree,而你并没有重申自己的观点？
In conclusion, it is not understandable to argue that being a responsible visitor is impossible. Instead,  everyone can make their contribution to preserve the local culture and environment.

总体感觉你的作文的确写得好，特别是body paragraphs里面有ideas，比较扣题的ideas. 而且是用自己的语言组织的。

作者: wayne88 时间: 26-1-2014 00:31

门外汉1982 发表于 25-1-2014 16:13

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虽然我不是专业搞雅思的，自己的分数也考的一般。这些都是我自己对作文的理解，真心希望能够帮到你。

7分 ...

非常非常非常感谢你的建议和时间，帮到我了，谢谢~~~~~

祝一路顺利，早日下签~~~

作者: wayne88 时间: 26-1-2014 01:03
有些时候，前辈的经验和经历比专业老师还靠谱~多谢

能分享下，在备考的几个月里，平时练习写作的数量和质量心得吗？
是不是每天都完成一篇大作文啊？可是如果这样的话，怎么提高质量呢？
平时写作文都严格按40分钟完成吗？

谢谢

作者: ruofeng111 时间: 26-1-2014 11:10
1.有几点可以显示出楼主对语法的掌握不是很好：
While some people believe that it is hard to travel around the place responsibly without causing any problems. I completely disagree with this view. 这个句子，为什么中间要用句号呢？本来是一个复杂句，用了句号就成简单句了。
Another reason for being able to responsible visitors is that they can help to protect the local environment. 应该是for being able to be.
2. 词汇方面：responsible tourists 用了很多次，真的是很多次。这个词完全有可以用其他的方式替代。不要给雅思考官一个机会去说：“responsible tourists“ has been used many times which indicates a limited range of vocabulary.
3.task response：根据雅思评分标准，需要presents, extends and supports main ideas。
文章中的句子：In addition, tourists should respect local culture because it is quite necessary to help preserve the culture identity of tourist places.这句话算做一个分论点，需要extend一下。
切记，要拿7分的话，不能为了凑字数来写句子。虽然这句话里面的respect local culture 和preserve the culture identity 是很好的词，但是这个句子后面最好要跟着句子extend或者support一下。
4. 楼主的文章，感觉各个句子各自为战，和题目联系不是很紧密。是不是就雅思评分标准里面的presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear。这一条是6分的标准。也许就是楼主6.5分的原因。
5. 总之，楼主就差一点点了，努力一定会成功的。

作者: 门外汉1982 时间: 26-1-2014 11:55

wayne88 发表于 26-1-2014 01:31

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非常非常非常感谢你的建议和时间，帮到我了，谢谢~~~~~

祝一路顺利，早日下签~~~

我和ruofeng111一样的观点，你的句子和语法绝对是够了，要想办法把你的意思连贯起来。

我认为 complete disagree 的观点应该是 impossible to be responsible tourists,但有两个限定条件：culture preservation, and environmental protection.下面两段从这两方面去反驳

这个没错，是应该的。我的最后一句话也写的不太好，主要是前面用了 pay serious attention to ，后面就不太好说是culture preservation这一方面了。你可以尝试改一下这句话，把两个方面都写上去，但切记文字不要太长。

不是很理解? 能解释一下吗？因为这里要强调的是，be able to/can be responsible tourists in terms of environment, 这个是support 我的opinion: it is possible to be responsible tourists.

很明显啊，第一句一定要切题，是你的topic sentence。除非你在第一段里说，I believe that there are two main reason for .....。那么你用another reason是合适的。
在这里，我更多是感觉你是在说另一方面。你就直接告诉考官，你准备说另一方面。前后一定要呼应啊

这个结尾段是restate my opinion,因为是agree and disagree,而你并没有重申自己的观点？
这个我主要觉得你又用了disagree 而且句型和意思都是和第一段一样的，等于在凑字数。
换种句型，换种表达。我用Instead，其实就是强调后面的意思，就是我要表达的意思。

练CC确实是很难的，有时候我们觉得挺顺的，别人不觉得。

作者: wayne88 时间: 26-1-2014 13:12

ruofeng111 发表于 26-1-2014 12:10

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1.有几点可以显示出楼主对语法的掌握不是很好：
While some people believe that it is hard to travel ar ...

谢谢精彩的点评。

看来主要的问题还是在CC和TR上面。

语法的问题主要是不够细心，词汇要避免重复，要有多样性，

多谢提醒

作者: wayne88 时间: 26-1-2014 13:17

门外汉1982 发表于 26-1-2014 12:55

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我和ruofeng111一样的观点，你的句子和语法绝对是够了，要想办法把你的意思连贯起来。

懂了，谢谢~

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