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标题: 求作文批改和估分，能到6分吗 [打印本页]

作者: superiris 时间: 22-8-2013 18:24
标题: 求作文批改和估分，能到6分吗
马上要一雅，大家帮看看这篇能打多少分，欢迎批评指正

题目：Some findings have revealed that cities around the world are growing large. Could you outline the possible causes and predict consequences?

It seems to be an increasingly widespread concern that cities' size is getting larger and larger around the world, and I think that economy development and population increasing are definitely responsible for this.

In the past, there are not many industries or companies in the city. This is no longer the case. Due to developing modern economy cities are filled with job opportunities, more and more people leave their rural hometown to find a job, raising their family or achieving their life value. So industrialization is the root cause of this phenomenon.

Another important factor contributing to this phenomenon is that there are much more citizens born in every year and all of them seek a higher living standard. Because, in the countryside, they cannot find enough entertaining place, modern facilities and good medical services, going to urban area is an inevitable choice. Besides, to purchase well education is another reason resulting to this.

The positive consequences of larger town include gathering talents from domestic and overseas, pooling all resources to stimulate economy sustainable developing, and benefit the public. Of course, there are lots of disadvantages caused by big city. Firstly, housing price is a concern. The more people want to dwell in city, the more possibility house price would increase. Secondly, environmental protection is another critical problem. Unless every citizen raise the green awareness to consume less and recycle more, ecosystem of city would get worse and worse. Last but not least, public transportation is also a dilemma which local authorities must cope with in order to avoid traffic jams on rush hours every-day.

In sum, there are several different factors leading to big city size. We should accept it and find various feasible measurements to overcome the cons it brings, because the negative impacts of this trend are too serious to be neglected.

作者: ms44 时间: 22-8-2013 19:03
凭我被老师批了很多次的心得看。
你这篇6分。
主要是没有复杂句型和高难度词汇。
到6.5有难度。
好好努力。不打击你。

作者: loverain9999 时间: 22-8-2013 19:41
我是觉得已经写的不错了.....还要多复杂的句型才行啊

作者: timsun 时间: 22-8-2013 19:43
简单给点建议吧
1. 开头段最好再带上点影响
2. In the past, there are???? there were，这样的错误通篇都能看到
3. Due to = Because of + n.不加句子
4. 第二段的理由混乱。你表达的是过去城市里Company 多，现在情况不一样了，现在人们离开农村为了更好生活。这个逻辑不通，那现在人们去哪？去城市了，那不是说明城市company多嘛，机会多，生活水平高，那怎么就跟过去不一样了？
5. 第三段逻辑也有问题，主题句是现在更多人出生在城市，然后突然转向说农村，人们为了更好生活更好教育去城市。这是什么逻辑？
6. 第四段topic sentence不明显。
7. 没搞清楚什么情况下and前加逗号，什么情况下不加
8. Dilemma这个词的真正意思没搞清，dilemma不等于problem
9. In sum, 既然用了这个词，最好好好总结，总结太简单。
10. 复合句和复杂句子不够，起码多用点定语从句，主语从句，宾语从句，表语从句，同位语从句吧。
11. 语法错误还太多，标点符号用法错误较多。
12. 明显看出是在套刘洪波的模板，太过于生硬。
13. 。。。。。
任重而道远啊，根据我考试经验来看，5-5.5分左右。加油吧，冲击6分还有希望，建议先从逻辑锻炼起来。

作者: sterlinglx 时间: 22-8-2013 19:49
写的还可以，目测6分左右。

作者: fillercreator 时间: 22-8-2013 23:56
本帖最后由 fillercreator 于 22-8-2013 23:58 编辑

LZ的思路还不错，但是中式英语太过明显，用词不太准确，句子别扭的较多，对行文的技巧掌握的比较少。
估一下分 5.5
语法5～5.5分：可以看出楼主尽量在避免语法错误，简单句式语法错误比较少，但是在运用一些稍微复杂的句子时都会出现语法错误。
词汇5～5.5分：单词的使用是个大问题，很多词用的不准确。
CC 5.5分: 逻辑尚可，但是很多地方分析展开的不够，导致没有说服力。词汇，尤其是连接词的使用乏力也是导致CC低分的一个原因。
TR 5.5~6分：扣题方面做的还可以，但是在结尾段出现we should accept是个怎么回事？第一这里没让你提建议，第二你前面论述都没有提到这点，在结尾段不要加任何没有正文中没出现的东西。这个是中国作文写多了的后遗症，我开始的时候也经常会这样
建议楼主加强语法训练，用词的时候一定要查词典用类似的例句才这样用，否则宁可用简单词汇，另外学习一下英语议论文的行文技巧，经过1～2个月强化训练到6分没有太大问题。

作者: superiris 时间: 23-8-2013 00:00

timsun 发表于 22-8-2013 19:43

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简单给点建议吧
1. 开头段最好再带上点影响
2. In the past, there are???? there were，这样的错误通篇都 ...

非常感谢你的建议，很细节，打了这么多字，多谢!
看你签名，主副申英语都很牛啊，祝早日毕业

作者: superiris 时间: 23-8-2013 00:05

fillercreator 发表于 22-8-2013 23:56

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LZ的思路还不错，但是中式英语太过明显，用词不太准确，句子别扭的较多，对行文的技巧掌握的比较少。
估一 ...

非常感谢你的建议，这里热心人真多啊

作者: hanyue112 时间: 23-8-2013 01:13
补充几个：

1.有中式思维，乡下未必就缺少资源和娱乐还有医疗。和中国不一样
2.逻辑确实有问题
3.结尾太短

很容易5.5杯具。

作者: wisezmz 时间: 23-8-2013 11:47
楼主是刘洪波的门生，结构自然没问题，主要问题是基础不扎实，词汇和语法错误太多。

作者: superopengl 时间: 23-8-2013 11:50
本帖最后由 superopengl 于 23-8-2013 10:55 编辑

It seems to be an increasingly widespread concern that cities' size is(sizes are) getting(growing, get太口语化,但不要紧) larger and larger around the world, and I think that economy（economic，有形容词用adj，没有的用noun修饰noun） development and population increasing（growth of polulation. increase是增加，不是增长） are definitely responsible for this.

In the past, there are(were) not many industries or companies in the city. This is no longer the case. Due to developing modern economy cities（修饰混乱） are filled with (be filled with有被动并带点消极的意思) job opportunities（Because + clause, 或者 Due to cities' job opportuniites）, more and more people leave their rural hometown to find a job (find jobs. 前面主语是people), raising(raise，排比句的verb要对称) their family（families，前文所提的people不可能都是一家人，应该是多个家庭） or achieving（achieve，排比句的verb要对称） their life（lives） value （achieve their life value? 没这种说法, 可以说 make their lives colorful）. So industrialization is the root cause of this phenomenon（phenomenon是“奇景”，不是中文的“现象”。如果用在这里就有讽刺和调侃的意思。"this problem", "this trend", or just "this"）.

Another important factor contributing to this phenomenon is that there are much more citizens born in(no "in") every year and all of them seek a higher living standard（逻辑错误，them指代的是citizen born in every year，是新生儿。新生儿不可能追求高生活标准）. Because, in the countryside, they（还是指代新生儿） cannot find enough entertaining place（places）, modern facilities and good medical services, going to urban area is an inevitable choice. Besides, to purchase well education is another reason resulting to this.

The positive consequences of larger town include gathering talents from domestic（作noun是“佣人”，做adj才是国内） and overseas, pooling all resources to stimulate economy sustainable developing, and benefit the public. Of course, there are lots of disadvantages caused by big city. Firstly, housing price(house price) is a concern. The more people want to dwell in city, the more possibility house price would increase. Secondly, environmental protection is another critical problem. Unless every citizen raise(raises) the green awareness to consume less and recycle more, ecosystem of city would get worse and worse. Last but not least, public transportation is also a dilemma("两难"，必须有两个选择，很难抉择选A还是选B的时候用) which local authorities must cope with in order to avoid traffic jams on rush hours every-day.

In sum, there are several different factors leading to big city size. We should accept it（them, 指代的是factors） and find various feasible measurements to overcome the cons it brings(they bring/incur), because the negative impacts of this trend are too serious to be neglected(are too serious to neglect).

作者: superopengl 时间: 23-8-2013 11:56

superopengl 发表于 23-8-2013 10:50

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It seems to be an increasingly widespread concern that cities' size is(sizes are) getting(growing, g ...

目测5.5-6

作者: ms44 时间: 23-8-2013 12:26

superopengl 发表于 23-8-2013 11:50

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It seems to be an increasingly widespread concern that cities' size is(sizes are) getting(growing, g ...

这个很详细啊。

作者: superiris 时间: 23-8-2013 12:45

superopengl 发表于 23-8-2013 11:50

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It seems to be an increasingly widespread concern that cities' size is(sizes are) getting(growing, g ...

非常感谢如此详细的点评，对我帮助很大

作者: superiris 时间: 23-8-2013 12:49

wisezmz 发表于 23-8-2013 11:47

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楼主是刘洪波的门生，结构自然没问题，主要问题是基础不扎实，词汇和语法错误太多。

师从刘洪波也是受你的影响

作者: 0cean 时间: 24-9-2013 19:07
到6.5有什么用都不是7.。

作者: jojopig2002 时间: 24-9-2013 22:56
写得比我考试好。。。所以应该有6分吧

复杂句种类够4种以上
复杂句总数8句以上
有加分句，如倒装句
uncommon的单词，能看到2，3个
至于逻辑和语法，请参照上面的高手，再磨练下，我觉得6分没问题

作者: superiris 时间: 10-10-2013 14:00
我一鸭的作文得分是5.5，要走路还很长啊

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