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标题: 大作文求批改，求板砖！！！ [打印本页]

作者: ruofeng111 时间: 13-12-2012 11:31
标题: 大作文求批改，求板砖！！！
准备雅思考试一段时间，终于下决心写了第一篇大作文，求批改，求板砖。
第一次写，写了近1个半小时，目前还没报名考试。
看看离7分有多远。
ESSAY
Is it fair that sports professionals earn much more money than people in the other important professions? Do you agree or disagree?

“Millions of money has not yet paid to the European Football Cup champion, Spanish football team, as a bonus to reward their outstanding performance,” reported recently by newspapers. Some Spanish even claim that the premiums are overgenerous comparing the salary paid in other fields and the football stars should refuse the bonus, especially when the whole country is struggling in the economic crisis. However, it is should be undisputed that athletes absolutely deserve the money they earned.

The fundamental argument held by the opponents is that the athletes are overpaid than workers in other professions. However, this is completely incorrect. It’s sure that the top-level athletes can earn more money in a single match than other people’s annual payments. But the normal players whose performances are rather ordinary can never be well paid, and, in most likelihood situations, they will finally quite their professional career due to low incomes. In fact, it is unsurprisingly that the field of sports never appeared in the top-paid career list which was usually occupied by the common professions, such as doctors and engineers.

Opponents also maintain that the astronomical salaries gain by the athletes is too much than their contribution to the society. They further claim that if this huge amount of money was paid to the scientist, it will definitely attract more talent people to pursue this meaningful career and therefore the whole community will benefit. However, this argument completely ignored the fact that athletes could contribute the society in even broad range. Studies show that, beside the sheer gaiety conveyed by the athletes, the economic can be boost by all the activity related to sports. Studies show that there was almost one hundred percent growth of GDP in Eurozone promoted all alone by the single European Football Cup.
In conclusion, it is must be fully realized that average payments of the athletes are overestimated, and the benefits generated by the professional sportsmen are furthermore underestimated.

作者: ipxzerg 时间: 13-12-2012 11:43
Well done and 7 points should not be too hard for you.
Perhaps you should be more careful when using "Studies show ...", e.g.
Studies show that there was almost one hundred percent growth of GDP in Eurozone promoted all alone by the single European Football Cup.
Common sense tells me this isn't ture..

作者: ruofeng111 时间: 13-12-2012 11:52

原帖由 ipxzerg 于 13-12-2012 12:43 发表

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Well done and 7 points should not be too hard for you.
Perhaps you should be more careful when using "Studies show ...", e.g.
Studies show that there was almost one hundred percent growth of GDP in ...

非常感谢，写的时候也觉得可能有问题，毕竟不实事求是啊。改成 in host country,不用Eurozone了，可能会好点，呵呵

作者: punkid 时间: 13-12-2012 13:18
Millions of money has not yet paid to...
Millions of money has not yet been paid to...

the premiums are overgenerous comparing the salary paid in other fields
the premiums are overgenerous comparing to the salary paid in other fields

it is should be undisputed that
it is undisputed that

It’s sure that the top-level athletes can....
It’s true that the top athletes can....

But the normal players whose performances are rather ordinary
But the average players whose performances are rather ordinary
(normal的意思是还有不normal的咯)

in most likelihood situations
in most likelihood

they will finally quite their professional career due to low incomes
they will finally quit their job due to low incomes
(professional career不光意思重复了，而且也不怎么跟quit搭配)

In fact, it is unsurprisingly that...
In fact, it is unsurprising that...

the field of sports never appeared in the top-paid career list
top-paid改为best-paid

the astronomical salaries gain by the athletes is too much than ...
the astronomical salaries gained/earned by the athletes is much more than ...(too much不是比较级，和than不搭)

athletes could contribute the society in even broad range
athletes could contribute to the society on a even broader range

beside the sheer gaiety conveyed by the athletes
besides the sheer gaiety conveyed by the athletes

the economic can be boost by
the economic can be boosted by

all the activity related to sports
all the activities related to sports

promoted all alone by the single European Football Cup
promoted by the European Football Cup alone

作者: chainray 时间: 13-12-2012 13:34
Task Achievement  7+

Coherence and Cohesion  ?

Lexical Resource 7+

Grammatical Range and Accuracy  6.5+

Overall 6.5+

说实话，写得很好，我写不了这样的文章

但是看着总觉得怪怪的

这样的文章，要么能拿7.5+，要么只能6.5

这样的雅思写作风格我第一回看到

作者: chainray 时间: 13-12-2012 13:35
你这个更像报纸的评论

作者: woyunsi3000 时间: 13-12-2012 13:51
写的很不错，比我强多了，7分应该有戏

作者: ruofeng111 时间: 13-12-2012 15:27
感谢punkid指出这么多语法错误，看来以后在这方面要相当的细心才好。

作者: ruofeng111 时间: 13-12-2012 15:34

原帖由 chainray 于 13-12-2012 14:35 发表

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你这个更像报纸的评论

你的感觉真准啊！我的读的英文基本上都是每天的新闻。
这种风格的东西，不知有何改变的好方法

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