标题: 也发一篇我的作文，给大家批批 [打印本页] 作者: windwing00 时间: 25-4-2012 19:41 标题: 也发一篇我的作文，给大家批批 Topic： In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.
What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
My response:
Nowadays, the weight level of some countries’ people is relatively higher than before and the health and fitness level are not as good as before as well. Firstly, many factors contribute to this social phenomenon, such as less sport, eating too much, pollution and so on. In the meantime, lots of measures and approaches can be used to relieve this and make people healthier and fitter.
Apparently, less sport activities is the first reason for people’s overweight and worse health level. In the present time, people are busier working and doing housework, especially in the city area. This kind of life cannot permit, for example, the city dwellers, to have enough time doing sports regularly and frequently. Therefore, their health is getting bad. Moreover, eating habit also plays a key role. With the increasing level of people’s material life, people are eating more food besides rice and fruits, including meat and fast food. This unhealthy habit make many person be overweight and of bad health. Additionally, environmental pollution cannot be excluded. As the environment we are living in is not as clean as before, everybody’s immune system are becoming worse slowly，which also leads to people’s bad health.
Although this problem is getting worse and many people are influenced by it, many measures can stop it from deteriorating. Doing more exercises can help many people a lot, especially office ladies and computer engineers. Taking part in sports regularly can improve their health level mentally and physically. Moreover, keeping healthy eating habits also benefits everybody. For example, eating more fruits and vegetable and less meat will probably help people keep fit. Finally travelling also help people be healthy and fit．When people are travelling，they can forget the pressure of life and work．This experience can force them to get rid of long time sitting, which is also a good way to keep healthy and fit.
Ｉｎ ｃｏｎｃｌｕｓｉｏｎ， ｐｅｏｐｌｅ＇ｓ ｏｖｅｒｗｅｉｇｈｔｉｎｇ ａｎｄ ｂａｄ ｈｅａｌｔｈ ａｔｔｒｉｂｕｔｅｓ ｔｏ ｖａｒｉｏｕｓ ｒｅａｓｏｎｓ，ｓｕｃｈ ａｓ ｌｅｓｓ ｓｐｏｒｔ，ｂａｄ ｅａｔｉｎｇ ｈａｂｉｔ．．．．．Ｉｆ ｐｅｏｐｌｅ ｔａｋｅ ｓｏｍｅ ａｃｔｉｏｎｓ， ｆｏｒ ｅｘａｍｐｌｅ，ｍｏｒｅ ｓｐｏｒｔｓ， ｐｅｏｐｌｅ ｗｉｌｌ ｂｅｎｅｆｉｔ ｆｒｏｍ ｔｈｅｍ．作者: superopengl 时间: 25-4-2012 20:59
My response:
Nowadays, the weight level of some countries’ people is relatively higher than before and the health and fitness level are not as good as before as well. Firstly, many factors contribute to this social phenomenon, such as less sport, eating too much, pollution and so on. In the meantime, lots of measures and approaches can be used to relieve this and make people healthier and fitter.
Apparently, less sport activities is the first reason for people’s overweight and worse health level. In the present time, people are busier (no need to use comparative degree here, because no target to compare explicitly) working and doing housework, especially in the city area. This kind of life cannot permit, for example, the city dwellers, to have enough time doing(to do) sports regularly and frequently. Therefore, their health is getting bad. Moreover, eating habit also plays a key role. With the increasing level of people’s material life, people are eating more food besides rice and fruits(fruit, is normally an uncountable noun), including meat and fast food. This(These) unhealthy habit(s) make many person(people) be(remove "be") overweight and of bad health. Additionally, environmental pollution cannot be excluded. As the environment we are living in is not as clean as before, everybody’s immune system are(is) becoming worse slowly，which also leads to people’s bad health.
Although this problem is(these problems are, I think you mentioned more than one problem) getting worse and many people are influenced by it(them), many measures can stop it(them) from deteriorating. Doing more exercises can help many people a lot, especially (for) office ladies and computer engineers. Taking part in sports regularly can improve their health level mentally and physically. Moreover, keeping healthy eating habits also benefits everybody. For example, eating more fruits(fruit) and vegetable(vegetables. Isn't it weird? But right, unlike "fruit", "vegetable" is countable. Always use "fruit and vegetables") and less meat will probably help people keep fit. Finally travelling also help people be healthy and fit．When people are travelling，they can forget the pressure of life and work．This experience can force them to get rid of long time sitting, which is also a good way to keep healthy and fit.
[ 本帖最后由 superopengl 于 25-4-2012 20:01 编辑 ]作者: superopengl 时间: 25-4-2012 21:07
Honestly speaking, beside those grammar errors, I don't believe this essay is interesting to read.
It lacks special point of view.
On the other hand, the words you used seem a little bit tedious-- same words appear many times. Try using some synonyms
Good luck.作者: windwing00 时间: 25-4-2012 21:18
谢谢楼上的作者: windwing00 时间: 25-4-2012 21:23
还得更加努力啊！作者: bfcatfriends 时间: 26-4-2012 01:37
Nowadays, the weight level of some countries’ people is relatively higher than before and the health and fitness level are not as good as before as well. Firstly, many factors contribute to this social phenomenon, such as less sport, eating too much, pollution and so on. In the meantime, lots of measures and approaches can be used to relieve this and make people healthier and fitter.
个人拙见作者: windwing00 时间: 27-4-2012 11:20 标题: 回复 #6 bfcatfriends 的帖子 谢谢，现在很苦恼，论点很普通、乏味，词汇也想不出很出彩的，逻辑还是很松散，偶尔还会犯语法错误。作者: hiozhioz 时间: 27-4-2012 13:50
某些连词和句子内容之间没有很强的逻辑性。 连接词是看到了，但内容托不上去。作者: bfcatfriends 时间: 27-4-2012 17:36 标题: 回复 #7 windwing00 的帖子 同感啊 可能要多阅读提高修养作者: windwing00 时间: 27-4-2012 19:19 标题: 回复 #9 bfcatfriends 的帖子 阅读也读了不少，提高很慢啊！！作者: bfcatfriends 时间: 27-4-2012 21:11 标题: 回复 #10 windwing00 的帖子 继续顶贴 让高手帮你我看看吧作者: bluefish2012 时间: 4-5-2012 18:54
Nowadays, the weight level of some countries’ people is relatively higher than before and the health and fitness level are not as good as before as well(as well 应该表达相同方向的意思）. Firstly（这个连词好像不是很恰当。干脆不用）, many factors contribute to this social phenomenon, such as less sport, eating too much, pollution and so on. In the meantime（这个连词也用的不是很恰当）, lots of measures and approaches can be used to relieve this and make people healthier and fitter.
Apparently, less sport activities is the first reason for people’s overweight and worse（worsening) health level. In the present time, people are busier working and doing housework, especially in the city area( no area). This kind of life cannot permit, for example, the city dwellers, to have enough time doing sports regularly and frequently. Therefore, their health is getting bad （worse). Moreover, eating habit also plays a key role. With the increasing level of people’s material life, people are eating more food besides rice and fruits, including meat and fast food. This unhealthy habit make many person(s) be overweight and of bad health. Additionally, environmental pollution cannot be excluded. As the environment we are living in is not as clean as before, everybody’s immune system are becoming worse slowly，which also leads to people’s bad health. (最后一个观点好像和over weigh 不沾边啊。）
Although this problem is getting worse and many people are influenced by it, many measures can stop it from deteriorating. Doing more exercises can help many people a lot, especially office ladies and computer engineers. Taking part in sports regularly can improve their health level mentally and physically. Moreover, keeping healthy eating habits also benefits everybody. For example, eating more fruits and vegetable and less meat will probably help people keep fit. Finally travelling also help people be healthy and fit．When people are travelling，they can forget the pressure of life and work．This experience can force them to get rid of long time sitting, which is also a good way to keep healthy and fit.
