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标题: 第一篇作文，求批改。。。 [打印本页]

作者: symeteor 时间: 20-4-2012 02:56
标题: 第一篇作文，求批改。。。
之前看书，感觉作文都写的很简单啊，真正写的时候，才发现，纸上谈兵容易，自己写起来难。。。
磕磕碰碰用了快一个小时才写完这篇作文，求批改。。。
不知道大家感觉能有几分

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In the present age, education for children is highly regarded by more and more people. Some people think that children should be encouraged to compete with others, while some people believe that children should be taught to cooperate. In my opinion, both views have their advantages and disadvantages.

In the modern world, it is more and more difficult for an adult to find a good job due to there are more and more well educated people. It is agreed that children should have the sense of competition. It is more easier for children to be used to competition and pressure if they were encouraged to participate in competition, and they will be more proactive once they want to do something. If teachers and parents always encourage children to be more competitive when they were young, children will dare to accept challenges when they grow up. But some parents may give too much pressure on their children, and it is not good for children grow up.

On the other hand, cooperation is playing a more and more important roles in nowadays. Good cooperation always leads to success. A person who can work with other one together may be more popular in most companies, and it is easier for a person who is a good team player to get a job, or make friends with other people. And a good team leader or manager must have the ability to cooperate with other people or company. If a child was always asked to be the first, he will be more aggressive when he grew up. It’s hard for him to cooperate with others.

In conclusion, competition and cooperation are both important. We should encourage children to compete, but we also should teacher children how to cooperate with people. A child who can compete and cooperate will have more potential in he or she career development.

作者: 燃烧吧火鸟 时间: 20-4-2012 03:10
希望有大牛给打个分哦，感觉有点模式化哦。。。。

作者: symeteor 时间: 20-4-2012 10:30

原帖由 燃烧吧火鸟 于 20-4-2012 03:10 发表

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希望有大牛给打个分哦，感觉有点模式化哦。。。。

X..我连模版都没看，再模式化我就

同等大牛批改

作者: bfcatfriends 时间: 20-4-2012 12:26
建议还是多看范文，我觉得6-6.5的样子。

yrqin的masterpiece也要拜读

http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/thread-990121-1-2.html

作者: bfcatfriends 时间: 20-4-2012 12:26
语法问题是你的top1问题

作者: windwing00 时间: 20-4-2012 13:51
1、due to there are more and more well educated people. 应该去掉“there are'
2、It is more easier for children 去掉'more”
3、On the other hand, cooperation is playing a more and more important roles 多个s

楼上的说的没错语法问题挺多的

作者: symeteor 时间: 20-4-2012 16:03

原帖由 windwing00 于 20-4-2012 13:51 发表

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1、due to there are more and more well educated people. 应该去掉“there are'
2、It is more easier for children 去掉'more”
3、On the other hand, cooperation is playing a more and more important rol ...

1的话我觉得there are 是必要的吧
2的话，这个More到底能不能用我也很困惑，严格来说不能，但是很多文档里确实也这么写。。。
3.写顺手了就出问题。。。
还有啥问题没

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