如果嫁了个蠢得要命的男人怎么办

yping88

maggie2007 发表于 24-8-2013 16:57

                               
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我最不喜欢的就是为什么都要我去做而不是他主动沟通？

像猩猩说的，为什么每次都是我去打破这个死循环 ...

The marriage is not where you can find out why but where you don't care why! As long as you still ask why it should be you not him, I will say that you are still too young!

Please don't take this as an offense!

maggie2007

yping88 发表于 24-8-2013 17:01

                               
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In the end, she ended up telling me:

If you can't figure out to make this marriage work, you wou ...

这个女人这么强， 我愿意把孩子爹给她， 让她修理成brand new one....  我承认我不够好， 还有我真没什么兴趣了。。。。

周星星1832

getmoving 发表于 24-8-2013 15:54

                               
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大家都知道星星脾气好，在freeoz谁骂他说他重话他从来不生气。
所以这个好脾气需要在家里发扬光大

我脾气不好都是被逼出来的

maggie2007

yping88 发表于 24-8-2013 17:04

                               
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The marriage is not where you can find out why but where you don't care why! As long as you still  ...

我自己有心理障碍了，连正眼都不想看他了。。。。

Greenhouse

maggie2007 发表于 23-8-2013 19:18

                               
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我现在说这些，并不伤心什么的。相反有点调侃的意思。。。

正因为他们能看到对方的优点， 才会在一起。 ...

两个人相互生气的时候说一些气话是最伤人的。 好了以后，那些话可能也不会完全忘记。 变成伤口。
所以两个人生气的时候一定要首先管住自已的嘴。 有些想法，想想就算了，说出来就难收回去了。
再说你这么说他，他会不会觉得，反正你也这样认为我了，我还有什么意义不这样呢？

maggie2007

周星星1832 发表于 24-8-2013 17:07

                               
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我脾气不好都是被逼出来的

错！ 你要说的是：

我脾气好是被逼出来的。。。。。

nil

maggie2007         + 50        这么简单？？

就这么简单。所有复杂问题最后的答案其实都很简单——复杂的只是过程而已。比如人活着够复杂的吧，但最终答案大家都死翘翘，简单吧。

明显你现在选择的是忍——只是你忍的程度还没到忍者神龟的程度而已，你还在complain，fight～～～～～

徒劳。到最后还是这两种选择。

不折腾。

maggie2007

nil 发表于 24-8-2013 17:11

                               
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就这么简单。所有复杂问题最后的答案其实都很简单——复杂的只是过程而已。比如人活着够复杂的吧，但最 ...

小孩怎么办？
对大人最容易的解决方案，对小孩也许有些残酷？ 她毕竟才6岁也许无法理解这些复杂的问题。。。。。。。。。。。。

yping88

maggie2007 发表于 24-8-2013 16:57

                               
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我最不喜欢的就是为什么都要我去做而不是他主动沟通？

像猩猩说的，为什么每次都是我去打破这个死循环 ...

Before I had an awfully long conversation with my best friend, I always had the same questions as yours in mind. And this stopped me taking initiative steps to work things out.

After I gave up all the WHY ME approaches and started being proactive, our marriage all of sudden was navigated to a whole new positive direction.

I am not saying how smart I am but how lucky I am to have that wise and truthful friend in my life!

yping88

maggie2007 发表于 24-8-2013 17:05

                               
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这个女人这么强， 我愿意把孩子爹给她， 让她修理成brand new one....  我承认我不够好， 还有我真没什 ...

That's exactly what I told her at that time, but she said that only the intellectually-challenged woman gave up her first marriage easily!

But I refused to admit that I was not good enough and send my MAN to a different woman, I gave it a try, and I gotta say that's the hardest fight I have ever had to battle in my life so far! Because all I tried to beat was myself other than anyone else.

I admitted I didn't take the positive approach before, and I turned around to take on the new ones suggested by my friend.

Amazingly enough, after I changed mine, my LD altered his to react positively. So, I guess he really wanted to change, but he was too proud to take the first step, or he didn't have that friend as I did!

getmoving

yping88 发表于 24-8-2013 17:18

                               
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Before I had an awfully long conversation with my best friend, I always had the same questions as  ...

你和你老公都是聪明人。祝福

yping88

maggie2007 发表于 24-8-2013 17:09

                               
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我自己有心理障碍了，连正眼都不想看他了。。。。

That's why I said the problem is yours but his, you have to fight against yourself, which is the hardest thing to do in the marriage. Because that involves you putting your interests below his, and pushing away your pride and protecting his, but you will get a whole world any woman would dream of in a marriage if you make this sacrifice.

欢语

maggie2007 发表于 24-8-2013 17:05

                               
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这个女人这么强， 我愿意把孩子爹给她， 让她修理成brand new one....  我承认我不够好， 还有我真没什 ...

感觉就像是只有不会教的老师，没有教不好的学生一样的理念。

yping88

maggie2007 发表于 24-8-2013 17:09

                               
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我自己有心理障碍了，连正眼都不想看他了。。。。

So, I guess if our MEN stand the trial in the court now for some alleged crimes, it will be hard for us to hold their hands to show the support, to show them we are gonna be the last ones in the world to judge them.

Because we already lost the faith in them! But in this sense, we can't blame our counterparts for failing the marriage, while we are the ones to give up on it first!

Sorry, I am a bit harsh on you! But to think about what you pledged to him when you married him, why you have a doubt in your own choice and judgement in the first place!

Where was your wisdom when you said YES to his proposal?

BTW, it would be a very wise move if you didn't tell your own family about this, or if you did, please stop doing it before you sorted it out yourself!!!

yping88

getmoving 发表于 24-8-2013 17:29

                               
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你和你老公都是聪明人。祝福

Thanks, getmoving!

We are so lucky we did give our marriage the best try! And we both believe that there wouldn't be any other way around especially when an innocent child was involved!

周星星1832

要是真的累了怎么办
不想沟通不想努力了

Greenhouse

maggie2007 发表于 24-8-2013 17:14

                               
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小孩怎么办？
对大人最容易的解决方案，对小孩也许有些残酷？ 她毕竟才6岁也许无法理解这些复杂的问 ...

其实你还是回到Nil说的问题上。
只有两个方案，一个是离，一个是不离。
两个方案要有两个完全不同的处事态度。要是打算离，吵都不用吵，只要离婚的财产和孩子分好了，马上就办就可以了。
不离的话，所有的事情处理起来，都应该是积极的，不是消极的，说话不太狠。没啥意思。
你说孩子太小，离不是那么简单，这都是不离的选择。

我不喜欢把“不行就离”这样话挂在嘴边的人，而若干年都没离的人。 我小时候父母就那样，没有什么大事儿，鸡毛蒜皮的小事儿就天天吵着要离婚。 那时候我妈总哭着说，都是为了我，所以才不离。 我特恨这种说法，总想说快点儿离吧。 别把我当借口。 两口了商量商量，家庭组织好，给孩子提供给孩子一个平静，安全（心理上），充满爱的家，比天天吵着为了孩子我才不离婚要有意义的多，也负责的多。

看Mrs. Doubtfire里面，最后“她”说的好。爸爸妈妈相互不爱了，但是他们对孩子的爱不会因此而有一点减少。 所以不要以孩子为借口不离。一个人带着孩子生活不容易才是真正的理由。 即然有这个顾虑，那么积极对待吧。

个人意见啊。

yping88

周星星1832 发表于 24-8-2013 17:07

                               
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我脾气不好都是被逼出来的

You are a wonderful and the most tolerant man in FreeOz, Xingxing! And I believe you are the same man at home as well.

But, please be advised that in FreeOz, it doesn't involve daily living, and neither of us shares the same interests with you, only your LD does!

And also, nobody is willing to admit there is no excuses for him to lose himself! Me included!

If one part carries the blames on his/her shoulders, the other part will not possibly take the at-fault one to the family court for whatever he/she admitted to. Otherwise, you would end up in family jail and lose the chance to defend yourself in FreeOZ!

Heeeheee!

getmoving

周星星1832 发表于 24-8-2013 17:48

                               
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要是真的累了怎么办
不想沟通不想努力了

跑步减肥去！

yping88

Greenhouse 发表于 24-8-2013 17:10

                               
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两个人相互生气的时候说一些气话是最伤人的。 好了以后，那些话可能也不会完全忘记。 变成伤口。
所以两 ...

What I did at that time was to tell my LD how lucky I felt to have him, how much pride I took in him. Behind his back, I told his best friend (I knew they would work as a messenger and pass on my praise to him. That made him believe even more how wonderful a man I thought he was) that he was generous and always was there for my family when we were in need.

Heeeheee, he wasn't there actually when I needed him. Otherwise, why else I wouldn't be happy with him. But I decided to lead him to that positive way, he was resistant at first but decided to follow the lead in the end!

周星星1832

不知道说什么了
说起来容易
但是做起来真的很难
想沟通
但是不欢而散

yping88

Greenhouse 发表于 24-8-2013 17:10

                               
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两个人相互生气的时候说一些气话是最伤人的。 好了以后，那些话可能也不会完全忘记。 变成伤口。
所以两 ...

Whenever I lashed out something dirty on him, I would let myself out of the room immediately and went shopping.

When I was back to home with all purchases, I would start my apologies straight away:

LD, I felt terrible for what I said to you, I felt so foolish to say those things I didn't mean. Look at me, I even went for binge shopping when I lost my cool, now I blame you for letting my flush some money down the drain. Please don't ever do that again, otherwise, we would end up being broke!

yping88

Greenhouse         + 50        marriage management expert!

It is nice of you to say that, @Greenhouse

But when I was actually doing it, I was hurt and kept asking myself: Why it always had to me? Why I had to play the big person always?

But, I was convinced I had no other choice but be initiative! Because I loved my LD in the beginning, he was my choice and I believed my judgement (Even though he tried to fail my faith at that time).

So, guided by my best friend and my strong mentality that I was smart enough to make my marriage work (Heeeeheee, I had to be smart, or it would be in the dead end!), I fought hard for my family and my sweet little girl.

Now, I feel I am a wonderful wife to the best way I can be! (Don't you feel lucky my LD, if you are out there? Heeeheee)

yping88

周星星1832 发表于 24-8-2013 18:07

                               
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不知道说什么了
说起来容易
但是做起来真的很难

Heeeheee

Believe me or not, when I asked my LD if we could talk about something, the response I got from him was: I don't think there will be anything I would like to discuss with you!

Please tell me, XingXing, what would you respond to this in return?

(Sorry, LD, for opening up that channel! But I just wanted to share with my young friends and show them how we made it through our difficult time. But, we should be happy that we came out stronger than ever!)

yping88

I am not trying to play smart, not trying to play goddess, I am just giving up my personal story and opening the door to the painful past in a hope that you both could read something into my story.

And, I felt awful that I didn't turn to my best friend earlier and I didn't realized earlier how much difference I could make in a marriage, so that we lost that much fun time together!

pzhero

楼主，我要是你，就先换个马甲。看来你责任重大啊，既要教育好小孩，还要培养好孩子他爹。不过相信在你的英明领导下，他们都会茁壮成长的。如果不能同时成长，就等孩子长大后，再由他来教育好他爹吧。这样的领导层次比较清晰，避免了多重领导带来的不便。

周星星1832

yping88 发表于 24-8-2013 18:26

                               
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Heeeheee

Believe me or not, when I asked my LD if we could talk about something, the response I ...

我又努力了一下
比刚才效果稍好
但是有限
婚姻就是委屈求全

周星星1832

楼主也再努力下好好谈谈
适当让步

yping88

Greenhouse 发表于 24-8-2013 17:55

                               
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其实你还是回到Nil说的问题上。
只有两个方案，一个是离，一个是不离。
两个方案要有两个完全不同的处 ...

I couldn't agree with you more, Greenhouse!

Another point I would like to add to your opinion is: If I were Maggie2007, I would make a pledge to my little girl that mommy is smart enough, strong enough to make the most commitment to our family. Mommy wouldn't do anything to pull apart our family, don't you worry about anything, my little girl! Getting you hurt is not why mommy brings you to the world!

dcxg

好热闹啊