跪求雅思写作高手进来修改作文。。。感激不尽

susu09050161

已经两次雅思了，每次都是作文差0.5，
我都想放弃了。真的很吐血。我也不知道哪里出了问题
真的希望高手，大仙帮我批改下，感激不尽！！！！！！


In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it’s a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.

What are your opinions on this?



Whether children can be employed to do paid job is a complex and sensitive issue. While some argue that it is a valuable experience and plays vital important role for children learning; it is my personal believe that it is unnecessary for children join the work. The reasons for this are as follows.

First of all, studying in the school is the mostly high priority for children during their childhood. Yet, the main tasks are repetitive and meaningless in the factory for children. In other words, Children cannot really learn much from these kinds of jobs. Children could only get the beneficial knowledge from schools and universities which will benefit them in their adult life in future. Equally importantly, working in the factory is unhealthy and dangerous for children. Most of the employers who like to hire children intend to save money by child labor. These employers often pay the less salary and welfare than adult. Moreover, there are not any insurance to protect the child labor. If there are any accidents happened during the working time, the children’s legitimate rights and interests, even their personal safety could not be guaranteed.

Admittedly, in some developing countries, child labor can support their family by the additional income. Nonetheless, on the other hand, the governments should invest more money in their education system to ensure that most of the children could have the educational opportunities as well.

By way of conclusion, I reaffirm my position that children should spend their childhood in school rather than working in the factory. The power of knowledge not only would alter their entire life in the future, but also impact on the country’s future.

charade

不是高手，也好久不写作文，只能提几个我看得出的语法错误：

1. vital important role  形容词重复使用
2. children learning  少了所有格
3. my personal believe   动词当名词用了，应该是belief
4. it is unnecessary for children join the work  少了to  不定式错误。join the work 不对。  其实说for children to work更简洁。
5. studying in the school is the mostly high priority    high的最高级是highest。
6. in future  应为in the future
7. often pay the less salary   比较级前不用the
8. These employers often pay the less salary and welfare than adult.   整句缺少宾语。  pay less salary to children
9. If there are any accidents happened  应为had any accidents happened to
10.  child labor can support their family by the additional income  应为additional income from child labor can.....
11. 最后一句少一个动词    我英语不够好也想不出impact应该用什么动词

觉得读起来显然是中式英语的味道，不少地方就算语法能说过去，也不顺。

susu09050161

谢谢了，非常感谢你~~~~~