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第一帖，还请大家帮忙，帮我评评这个大作文。
作文题目是3.20日的G类大作文：
Some people who failed at school can be highly successful in their adult life. Discuss why does this happen? And what are the main factors to get a successful life?
写这篇作文时还没有仔细读完《慎小嶷写作十天》，后来才发现，它应该算两种类型（Argument和Report）中Report那种，是比较不常考的。。。
不过还是请大家帮忙提提意见。目标是6分。。。
补记：根据大家的意见，把有问题的地方用红色标记
Many people think that you must succeed at school if you want to be highly successful in your future life. However there are a great number of successful people around us even though they failed in their study. I would like to state that, from my point of view, what performance you got in school is not the determinative factor to judge your future life successful or not. （这段不够专业）
The academic knowledge and skills learned from books at school are not the whole requirements to reach the future success, （少了连接词）there are still many other skills that need to be possessed since studying at school could not acquire the all the skills which could lead you towards success. The social experience and skills will be the more important factors. Consequently, the people who failed at school also can get the better score in the society.（这段再深度剖析一下）
While, what are the main factors to live a successful life? In my mind, interest, hardworking and persistence are the significant factors for people to reach success. Firstly, interest is a foundation of success, which means you will lose the motivation of your goal if you feel uninterested in it. We can get this from worldwide successful people, such as Bill Gates. He established his software empire even dropped his college studying since he is interested in computer. Secondly, the hard working is an essential approach for people who want to reach the top of success. Seeing from the successful people in the world, like Chinese top enterpriser Li Jiacheng, he was working hard on studying operation technologies during his first several years as an operator, which leads him to the first step for reaching his success. Thirdly, persistence is also one of the key factors that lead you to get success. For example, the famous artist Da Vinci had practiced drawing eggs for thousands of times before he made a perfect drawing of egg, which is a proper sample to show the importance of persistence for success.（例子有点多）
Well, to sum up, although we can not obtain all the skills from school, schooling is still an appropriate and effective solution for us to get the practical skills. Moreover we also need to cultivate the useful abilities from social experience. I think both of them will contribute to a prosperous tendency for our future life.
[ 本帖最后由 sevennior 于 14-9-2010 15:11 编辑 ] |
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发表于 13-9-2010 21:41:45
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