这是我的雅思大作文，请大家指点一下。

kykyjason

Nowadays, education plays essential key in our lives. Some people insist those students should afford tuition on their own while others believe that government should manage to pay for tuition for students. That is becoming a controversial query. Personally, I convinced that we can derive benefits from both of them.
  Government paying for university tuition fees can bring numerous benefits. it is obvious that government has a duty to afford students’ university tuition fees. Since education is an indispensable part of national pillar industry it has been exerting profound influence on many areas. Especially, in many developed countries, they have sound infrastructure. They should pour more money into educational areas, such as primary, secondary, tertiary tuition fee. Besides, subsidization of higher education is that it gives all students have opportunities to accepting university education. Lots of students who live in poverty family have to give up their university education, because they do not have enough money to pay for high tuition fees.
Also, students pay for their university tuition fees by themselves, which gains considerable advantage. As matter of fact, ii can decrease government spending on tuition fees, which enables government to fund more money on facilities and school buildings may give students better environment to study.  
In conclusion, there are many benefits that we can derive from both of them. I believe that government should combine them together, which is in the best interest of the government and students.

kykyjason

这是题1目        Some people say university students should pay for their tuition fees. Some others say the government should pay for the tuition fees. What is your opinion?

lubchsie

中式英文，中式思路，很像先想好中文再翻译成英文的，建议楼主用英文思考，然后写作文

key

Nowadays, education plays essential key in our lives.

plays an essential role可能会更好一些。

Some people insist those students should afford tuition on their own while others believe that government should manage to pay for tuition for students.

这里those的出现很奇怪
而题目要讨论的是university students，这里也没有突出来。
不妨这样写：
Nowadays, education plays essential role in our lives. More and more people want to have their tertiary education in the University, for University education could probably lead to better work opportunities, which just raise the controversial discussion about: who should pay the tuition fees. Some people insist that students should pay their own, while others believe the government should manage to pay the fees.

Personally, I convinced that we can derive benefits from both of them.

I am convinced.