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标题: 看看这篇作文能到7吗？ [打印本页]

作者: greloser 时间: 8-7-2014 02:48
标题: 看看这篇作文能到7吗？
其他几个部分还蛮有把握过七，就是写作不知道水平怎么样，看7分的范文也看不出个名堂来，感觉他们的用词都很华丽
但是大学时候的外教教我们写作文一定要言之有物，通顺，然后再追求文采，感觉有点迷茫了现在

To what extent do you agree that countries benefit from international tourism?

I tend to agree that international tourism overall is beneficial to society, although sometimes it will bring some unexpected consequences.

International tourism is conducive to the local economy, since those tourists would get involved in activities like dining at local restaurants or staying at local hotels. Through all these economical activities, it would inevitably lead to a more prosperous society and a lower unemployment rate. The reason that France can better revive from the 2008 great depression is that it attracts more tourists than any other country in the world even though its car or perfume export is still stagnate.

Moreover, it would boost cultural exchange amongst different countries. You can never understand or appreciate a country’s culture as much and deeply through a documentary as by visiting directly, so it is fair to say travelling oversea is the most efficient way to know a different culture. Also, once you understand the culture of another country, it would be unimaginable that you would want to wage a war on that country; thus, it is also a good way to reduce the chance of conflict amongst countries.

However, it is sometimes detrimental to the host country as some tourists do not know how to appreciate the value of the culture or the attraction. It is not uncommon to see some foreign names carved on the brick of the Great Wall in china and these behaviors would cause a permanent damage because those stones have been there for thousands of years and every one of them is unique and irreplaceable.

To sum up, international tourism indeed has numerous benefits; thus, we should definitely encourage this trend, but we also need avoid some harmful impact it would bring.

作者: 五味大侠 时间: 8-7-2014 12:46
本帖最后由五味大侠于 8-7-2014 21:38 编辑

写的很流畅，以我的水平看不出来什么低级语法错误，除了雅思明确指出不可以用You
个人认为6.5肯定没问题，但是能不能上7我的水平看不出来了

作者: puyuewuyue 时间: 8-7-2014 13:36
个人意见：
1,para 1的overall，感觉上看过的句子一般会把这个状语提前或后置或单独列出来。
2.para 2 France的例子挺好，但最好连接上更通顺一点
3.para 3 这句话Also, once you understand the culture of another country, it would be unimaginable that you would want to wage a war on that country; thus, it is also a good way to reduce the chance of conflict amongst countries. 感觉上略生硬，和本段主题似乎不是很match。
4.看见detrimental感觉LZ真喜欢用大词。。。这段论证不够深入~
5.分号表示并列关系而非因果，所以这里用thus感觉上挺奇怪的，要么去掉thus 直接写we should blabla，要么改掉分词用连接词and。thus这个连接词我个人感觉是一种必然的因果关系，所以要慎用。~

总体LZ语法错误很少，6.5肯定有的，有没有7我的感觉可能不大准确，估计有40%可能性吧~

作者: greloser 时间: 9-7-2014 00:56

puyuewuyue 发表于 8-7-2014 13:36

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个人意见：
1,para 1的overall，感觉上看过的句子一般会把这个状语提前或后置或单独列出来。
2.para 2 Fr ...

谢谢你耐心的评阅，overall确实是一般放在句子前面，那段不匹配的话我确实是没语句写了，强挤出来的，完全是为了凑字数。

因为我以前考过gre，所以用大词的毛病估计改不了，主要是我现在根本分不清什么是大词，什么不是，再大再生僻的词我都感觉很熟悉。

最后一个thus，以前的老师改我作文的时候，基本上thus前面都帮我改成分号，所以我这个习惯就一直保留下来了。没想到老师也会坑我啊，我现在基本上想到therefore 和 thus 前面基本都是加分号。

作者: aunewb 时间: 10-7-2014 18:35
沒有
我看得出來你是模仿Cambridge IELTS 其中一篇Model Essay 寫的很流暢
grammar is overall good and vocabularies are great although there are some clumsy structures and weird expressions!!
But
你沒有回答問題問你 To what extent do you agree or disagree
你得回答
I partly/totally/somewhat agree/disagree

你第三段跑題了
好的conclusion:
restate your opinion
這題問你的opinion 你寫有缺點也有優點doesn't make it a good conclusion

一點小意見
作文8 路人甲漂過

作者: greloser 时间: 10-7-2014 23:59

五味大侠发表于 8-7-2014 12:46

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写的很流畅，以我的水平看不出来什么低级语法错误，除了雅思明确指出不可以用You
个人认为6.5肯定没问题， ...

刚才仔细看，才发现你说了 “雅思明确指出不可用you”，我今天上午刚考了雅思，大作文，we啊，you啊用的满天飞，现在看来过写作过6就不错了。

作者: 五味大侠 时间: 11-7-2014 01:14

greloser 发表于 10-7-2014 23:59

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刚才仔细看，才发现你说了 “雅思明确指出不可用you”，我今天上午刚考了雅思，大作文，we啊，you啊用的满 ...

。。。。
看来你基础不错的，没咋看书~~

作者: greloser 时间: 11-7-2014 01:27
本帖最后由 greloser 于 11-7-2014 16:28 编辑

aunewb 发表于 10-7-2014 18:35

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沒有
我看得出來你是模仿Cambridge IELTS 其中一篇Model Essay 寫的很流暢
grammar is overall good a ...

听君一席话，胜读十年书。

1.是不是第三段的第一句改成：Moreover,international tourism can promote the decreasing of military expense in that it would significantly curb the increasing of hostality amongst countries; thus, the country can put more resources of the pool into the wel-fare system for the well-being of its citizens. 然后中间的那个also，改为therefore.是不是就不太跑题了？逻辑感觉也说的通

2. 开始段写成，In most cases, I agree that international tourism is beneficial to society.
结尾段写成，Most of the time, I believe in the virtues of international toursim, which would render the country thriving,but sometimes ,it would also produce some adverse effects on the host country if not conducted well. 是不是就比较扣题了？结尾段是我真正用“心”写的，仔细琢磨了每一个字。现在才开始有点真正的理解雅思作文。虽然这个结尾还是不怎么样，一对比，我一开始时写的 we also need avoid some harmful impact it would bring简直就是弱智到家了

3.真是十分感谢你。今天刚参加完雅思考试，其实我这次考算是裸考，考试前，加上这篇文章一共只练了三篇，但是你今天的点拨胜过我再练20篇文章

作者: greloser 时间: 11-7-2014 01:33

五味大侠发表于 11-7-2014 01:14

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。。。。
看来你基础不错的，没咋看书~~

哈哈哈，不是基础不错，是自我感觉基础不错，其实还差的远。我大概知道学术写作一般不建议用I,we,you之类的，但我看不少雅思的范文都用I，所以就自然而然的产生了you也可以用的错觉。感谢你提点

作者: 五味大侠 时间: 11-7-2014 01:45

greloser 发表于 11-7-2014 01:33

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哈哈哈，不是基础不错，是自我感觉基础不错，其实还差的远。我大概知道学术写作一般不建议用I,we,you之 ...

I,we, she,he,都可以，就是不能用you。。。

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