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标题: 0921大作文求批 [打印本页]

作者: pawehu 时间: 23-9-2013 02:07
标题: 0921大作文求批
虽然没报名参加这次考试，但看了网友分享的大作文题目，试写了一篇求批。

题目：有人认为获得高质量生活，钱比空闲更重要。你同意哪个？还有什么其他的因素，你觉的重要？

Extended life expectancy and stable income have inspired people to pay attention to the quality of life. Opinions on what constitutes a affluent life are remain under heated debate. Some people argue that money or leisure time is the top priority, while I think family ties also play significant roles in acquiring high quality of life.

Money is a solid foundation to high standard lifestyles, especially for those countries that social safety net is not well-established. People who live in developing countries have to use money to trade off basic social services, such as education and medical care. The reason of this phenomenon lies in the fact that their government do not have adequate capitals and resources put into such long term investments. As a result, people have to rely on private schools or hospitals with far beyond market price, and money is the key to access quality services.

Another factor that contribute to life quality is considerable leisure time. Undoubtedly, fast pace of lifestyle and irregular working hours in modern society have made leisure time a precious matter to acquire. For example, people have to maintain contacts with colleagues and deal with business transactions even when they after work, leaving less time on their hobby activities, including reading and travelling overseas. From time to time, people with busy lifestyle will lose their interest on discovering the beauty of life and become indifferent to surrounding environment.

In light of above facts, personally I think that family support is also an dispensable issue to take into consideration. Family members express their care and love by participating family meals and by looking after children, all these little movements remind us that we live in harmonious lives. In other words, a sense of belonging and emotional ties from family are the ultimate definition of high quality of life.

In summary, I hold the position that money surpass leisure time to account for high standard of life, and in addition to these two factors, family bonds also responsible for life quality.

作者: chingwu 时间: 23-9-2013 12:10
A类的作文是
1.完美社会有哪些因素
2.为了完美社会应该怎么做

作者: asxdcfv 时间: 23-9-2013 12:23
显然是7分作文，我感觉只要和我的描述方法不一样，一眼望去看不懂的句型和词汇多，肯定是高分。自己是不是太弱了啊。。。

作者: wisezmz 时间: 23-9-2013 12:33
本帖最后由 wisezmz 于 23-9-2013 11:36 编辑

我给你5分。理由：

1、题目的第一个问题是“你觉得哪个更重要”，结果你没有表明你的任何观点认为哪个更重要（你的观点是觉得两者同等重要？），于是你第一个问题的TR基本没分。

2、犯了太多低级语法错误，随手列举如下：

Opinions on what constitutes a affluent life are remain under heated debate
Another factor that contribute to life quality is considerable leisure time
I hold the position that money surpass leisure time to account for high standard of life

错在哪里我先不说，你可以自己找找看。

作者: pawehu 时间: 23-9-2013 12:38

wisezmz 发表于 23-9-2013 09:33

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我给你5分。理由：

1、题目的第一个问题是“你觉得哪个更重要”，结果你没有表明你的任何观点认为哪个更 ...

第一个问题是“你觉得哪个更重要”我已经在结尾给出了，I hold the position that money surpass leisure time to account for high standard of life.
语法错误还真看不出来，请指教

作者: asxdcfv 时间: 23-9-2013 12:41

wisezmz 发表于 23-9-2013 11:33

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我给你5分。理由：

1、题目的第一个问题是“你觉得哪个更重要”，结果你没有表明你的任何观点认为哪个更 ...

太狠啦，比我好多了，我才5分水平啦

作者: chingwu 时间: 23-9-2013 12:44

asxdcfv 发表于 23-9-2013 11:41

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太狠啦，比我好多了，我才5分水平啦

你也21号烤鸭了哈哈
同等成绩呀

我们聊不和他们聊我们水平相当哈哈

作者: wisezmz 时间: 23-9-2013 12:46
本帖最后由 wisezmz 于 23-9-2013 12:17 编辑

pawehu 发表于 23-9-2013 11:38

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第一个问题是“你觉得哪个更重要”我已经在结尾给出了，I hold the position that money surpass leisure ...

你的文化背景让你犯了错。华人的思维模式总是先绕一大个圈子，最后才说自己的想法，而西人是直截了当开门见山。因此在作文的第一段，你就必须明确给出你的观点。当然也有很多作文高手可以先列举事实然后再陈述观点，但很明显你我等辈目前都还没到到那个层次，所以还是按部就班来吧。

你的首段观点是什么呢？我看到的是：Some people argue that money or leisure time is the top priority, while I think family ties also play significant roles in acquiring high quality of life. 考官看完后，可以得出结论：你对第一个问题没有给出任何意见。于是他就会带着这个“偏见”来看你的下文，你想再翻身，难了！

况且，你的第二段、第三段，只是分别谈论了金钱和时间的为什么重要，根本算不上是论述，只能算是对题目的另一种陈述。

Opinions on what constitutes a affluent life are remained under heated debate

Another factor that contributes to life quality is a large amount of leisure time ---- considerable 用于修饰可数名词，后面不能直接跟time这个不可数名词

I hold the position that money surpasses leisure time to account for high standard of life

作者: homeboxoffice 时间: 23-9-2013 13:14

wisezmz 发表于 23-9-2013 11:46

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你的文化背景让你犯了错。华人的思维模式总是先绕一大个圈子，最后才说自己的想法，而西人是直截了当开 ...

格斗士所言极是，step by step还有其他一些资料上面都说了要开门见山，不需要最后来个surprise。基本语法问题要尽量避免。

大家都加油！

作者: pawehu 时间: 23-9-2013 13:30
“谈论了金钱和时间的为什么重要，根本算不上是论述，只能算是对题目的另一种陈述”
怎样才算得上是论述？

作者: wisezmz 时间: 23-9-2013 13:49
本帖最后由 wisezmz 于 23-9-2013 13:04 编辑

pawehu 发表于 23-9-2013 12:30

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“谈论了金钱和时间的为什么重要，根本算不上是论述，只能算是对题目的另一种陈述”
怎样才算得上是论述？

你原文的逻辑是：A很重要，B也很重要，所以A比B更重要。

正确的逻辑是：我认为A比B更重要，因为：首先，A在**方面比B重要；其次，A在其他**方面也比B重要。

如果想看真实案例，请看我在四楼的回复。

作者: allesgut 时间: 23-9-2013 14:16

wisezmz 发表于 23-9-2013 11:33

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我给你5分。理由：

1、题目的第一个问题是“你觉得哪个更重要”，结果你没有表明你的任何观点认为哪个更 ...

Opinions on what constitutes a affluent life are remain under heated debate
Another factor that contribute to life quality is considerable leisure time

我的改法->
Opinions on what constitutes an affluent life remain under heated debate.
Another factor that contributes to life quality is a considerable amount of leisure time.

作者: wisezmz 时间: 23-9-2013 14:18

allesgut 发表于 23-9-2013 13:16

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Opinions on what constitutes a affluent life are remain under heated debate
Another factor that ...

对了，我还看少了个 a -> an。

作者: homeboxoffice 时间: 23-9-2013 14:23
本帖最后由 homeboxoffice 于 23-9-2013 13:25 编辑

pawehu 发表于 23-9-2013 12:30

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“谈论了金钱和时间的为什么重要，根本算不上是论述，只能算是对题目的另一种陈述”
怎样才算得上是论述？

刚刚看了一下你写的，说说我的思维。

这种题structure这样处理，第一段Introduction，第二段：第一个问题，第二段第二个问题，最后一段conclusion。
其中第二段又有两种情况，第一种：中立（这个题目好像不中立为好），那就写钱的重要性，然后空闲的重要性；第二种：偏向，然后用两个情况（例子之类的）来支持你认为重要的。

Extended life expectancy and stable income have inspired people to pay attention to the quality of life. Opinions on what constitutes a affluent life are remain under heated debate. Some people argue that money or leisure time is the top priority, while I think family ties also play significant roles in acquiring high quality of life.

Money is a solid foundation to high standard lifestyles, especially for those countries that (where/in which) social safety net (safety net?) is not well-established. People who live in developing countries have to use money to trade off basic social services, such as education and medical care. The reason of this phenomenon lies in the fact that their government do not have adequate capitals and resources put into such long term investments. As a result, people have to rely on private schools or hospitals with (the rate) far beyond market price, and money is the key to access quality services.

Another factor that contribute to life quality is considerable leisure time. Undoubtedly, fast pace of lifestyle and irregular working hours in modern society have made leisure time a precious matter to acquire. For example, people have to maintain contacts with colleagues and deal with business transactions even when they (delete when they) after work, leaving less time on their hobby activities (hobbies or activities), including (such as, not including. Include seems meaning everything) reading and travelling overseas. From time to time, people with busy lifestyle will lose their interest on discovering the beauty of life and become indifferent to surrounding environment.

In light of above facts, personally I think that family support is also an dispensable (misuse this word, but resulting in a bad result) issue to take into consideration. Family members express their care and love by participating family meals and by looking after children, (and/so) all these little movements remind us that we live in harmonious lives. In other words, a sense of belonging and emotional ties from family are the ultimate definition of high quality of life.

In summary, I hold the position that money surpass leisure time to account for high standard of life, and in addition to these two factors, family bonds (are) also responsible for life quality.

作者: pawehu 时间: 23-9-2013 15:13

wisezmz 发表于 23-9-2013 10:49

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你原文的逻辑是：A很重要，B也很重要，所以A比B更重要。

正确的逻辑是：我认为A比B更重要，因为：首 ...

假如，第一问改成"To what extent do you agree?"，是否就可以论述A很重要，B也很重要，然后个人认为C也很重要？

作者: wisezmz 时间: 23-9-2013 15:26

pawehu 发表于 23-9-2013 14:13

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假如，第一问改成"To what extent do you agree?"，是否就可以论述A很重要，B也很重要，然后个人认为C也很 ...

无需在这里空谈，你直接看刘洪波的《最简化雅思写作》即可排难解忧。

作者: asxdcfv 时间: 23-9-2013 18:11

chingwu 发表于 23-9-2013 11:44

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你也21号烤鸭了哈哈
同等成绩呀

hehe 我们准备时间差不多，也拖了这么久，我三雅考的A类，感觉比做G类舒服，虽然阅读费时间。你打算一直到A类？A类陷阱少吧。

作者: chingwu 时间: 23-9-2013 18:14

asxdcfv 发表于 23-9-2013 17:11

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hehe 我们准备时间差不多，也拖了这么久，我三雅考的A类，感觉比做G类舒服，虽然阅读费时间。你打算一直到 ...

我一直复习的A类
所以还没想过考G类

我觉得我的最大问题是口语
其他的自我感觉6分问题不大
具体等成绩出来再看

作者: asxdcfv 时间: 23-9-2013 18:22

wisezmz 发表于 23-9-2013 12:49

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你原文的逻辑是：A很重要，B也很重要，所以A比B更重要。

正确的逻辑是：我认为A比B更重要，因为：首 ...

我也会犯同样的错误，我捉摸原因在于我练习的结构全是：
1. 重复下题目
2. 一部分人支持A，因为
3. 一部分人支持B，因为
4. 我认为A>B。
我一直走不出上述结构的套路。任何题目都套用这个结构。

正确的逻辑是：我认为A比B更重要，因为：首先，A在**方面比B重要；其次，A在其他**方面也比B重要。但是，我怕这么写字数就不够了。不够如果问题是2个问题，可能字数就好搞点。例如:
1.背景
2.A>B理由1，理由2
3.CD也很重要，理由1，理由2
4.总结

作者: asxdcfv 时间: 23-9-2013 18:32

wisezmz 发表于 23-9-2013 14:26

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无需在这里空谈，你直接看刘洪波的《最简化雅思写作》即可排难解忧。

再问下。是否可以在第一段就回答所有的问题，后面再阐述去？

这个问题很突出，有人说A有人说B，我认为A>B，同时，还有C\D也需要考虑进去。
1，A>B理由1，理由2
2，更进一步，C,D也是很重要的，理由1,2
结尾就可以不要了吧。

作者: wisezmz 时间: 23-9-2013 18:32

asxdcfv 发表于 23-9-2013 17:22

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我也会犯同样的错误，我捉摸原因在于我练习的结构全是：
1. 重复下题目
2. 一部分人支持A，因为

给你同样的建议：好好研读刘洪波的《最简化雅思写作》

作者: wisezmz 时间: 23-9-2013 18:34

asxdcfv 发表于 23-9-2013 17:32

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再问下。是否可以在第一段就回答所有的问题，后面再阐述去？

这个问题很突出，有人说A有人说B，我认为 ...

你这个结构没问题，但字数肯定超300以上。

另外，个人建议最好还是有一个总结段。

作者: asxdcfv 时间: 23-9-2013 18:48

wisezmz 发表于 23-9-2013 17:32

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给你同样的建议：好好研读刘洪波的《最简化雅思写作》

好，我下载了一个，学习下

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