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标题: 第2篇作文求批改！ [打印本页]

作者: symeteor 时间: 25-4-2012 13:15
标题: 第2篇作文求批改！
Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on children. Do you agree or disagree?

Today, more and more families have their own computers, and some children spend a lot of time on computers. So the debate which is about using a computer every day can be more negative or positive effects on young children have been a focus. And I tend to believe that using a computer has more positive effects on our children.

Firstly, the computer is one of the most useful and powerful tool in the modern world. With computers, children can acquire knowledge they need easily and efficiently. They can find anything they want from internet, just by ‘Google it’. Comparing to the books, computers can provide more interesting information to children, for example, a multimedia program running on computer can show animation, sounds and text at the same time, and information on computer will be more attractive to children. Secondary, children can get lots of fun through a computer. They can chat with their friends on line, or they can show their latest pictures to their peers. It is easier for children to interactive with their friends which are far away.

But on the other hand, I agree that it is not good for a child to spend too much time on a computer. One of the biggest concern is sitting in front of computer is not good for their healthy. Playing computer games for a long time can be damaging to both eyes and the physical posture of a young children.

After all, children should use the computer properly. And parents should be responsible for supervising the use of computer. If a child can use the computer properly, he or she can get much benefit from computers.

[ 本帖最后由 symeteor 于 25-4-2012 15:55 编辑 ]

作者: hiozhioz 时间: 25-4-2012 17:33
好像跑题了，倒数第二段有点扣题。

题目的重点似乎是every day.频率过高。

作者: longan 时间: 25-4-2012 18:59
我感觉这篇作文的重点还是强调positive or negative，那论证的时候最重要的是强调一个度。everyday不见得多，也不见得少。每天5分钟不多，每天5小时不少。所以说文章中一定要强调一个度的问题。过度就negative了，不过度就positive了。
这点在文章中没有得到清晰的体现。
另外，语法错误有点多
child 是单数，children是复数。a young children.矛盾了。
secondary是形容词，不能当副词用。
应该是not good for their health。而不是healthy。
Comparing to the books, 貌似应该改为compared with books
with their friends which are far away.which是物，应该是who，是人。或者干脆with their remote friends

加油！！

作者: bfcatfriends 时间: 25-4-2012 22:34
After all, children should use the computer properly.

这里用All in all 更适合

作者: superopengl 时间: 25-4-2012 22:48
Today, more and more families have their own computers(Just "PCs" is fine), and some children spend a lot of time on computers(them). So the debate (on) which is about(whether) using a computer every day can be more negative or positive effects on young children have(has) been(become) a focus. And I tend to believe that using a computer has more positive effects on our children.

Firstly, the computer is one of the most useful and powerful tool in the modern world. With computers, children can acquire knowledge they need easily and efficiently. They can find anything they want from internet(the internet. Treat "the internet" as one word. Always use them together), just by ‘Google it’. Comparing to(with. to/with have different meanings. compare one side with the other side. compare life to drama) the(remove the) books, computers can provide more interesting information to children, for example, a multimedia program running on computer can show animation, sounds and text at the same time, and information on computer will be more attractive to children. Secondary, children can get lots of fun through a computer. They can chat with their friends on line, or they can show their latest pictures to their peers. It is easier for children to interactive(interact) with their friends which are(remove "which are". Actually, you should use "who are") far away.

But on the other hand, I agree that it is not good for a child to spend too much time on a computer. One of the biggest concern is (Insert a "that". In speaking yours(without "that") is totally OK. When writing, you'd better keep all grammar formal) sitting in front of computer is not good for their healthy. Playing computer games for a long time can be damaging to both eyes and the physical posture of a young children("a young child" or "young children").

After all (I guess you mean "All in all", "Whatsoever", or "Anyway"), children should use the computer properly. And parents should be responsible for supervising the use of computer. If a child can use the computer properly, he or she can get much benefit from computers.

作者: symeteor 时间: 25-4-2012 23:17

原帖由 hiozhioz 于 25-4-2012 16:33 发表

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好像跑题了，倒数第二段有点扣题。

题目的重点似乎是every day.频率过高。

这个小姨的书里有考官的9分作文。好像这个的重点是positive 还是negative.

作者: symeteor 时间: 25-4-2012 23:18

原帖由 superopengl 于 25-4-2012 21:48 发表

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Today, more and more families have their own computers(Just "PCs" is fine), and some children spend a lot of time on computers(them). So the debate (on) which is about(whether) using a computer every ...

多谢，点评的很详细，很多自己没发现的问题都被点出来了

作者: symeteor 时间: 25-4-2012 23:19

原帖由 longan 于 25-4-2012 17:59 发表

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我感觉这篇作文的重点还是强调positive or negative，那论证的时候最重要的是强调一个度。everyday不见得多，也不见得少。每天5分钟不多，每天5小时不少。所以说文章中一定要强调一个度的问题。过度就negative了，不 ...

有些错误是电脑上打的时候出来的。。。不过点评的很到位，谢谢！

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