My cucumber shame /Danny Katz
Sometimes a man must swallow his pride in a quest to save the planet.I GOT a great recipe for tzatziki from my favourite contestant on Junior Masterchef, that cute little fella with the big cheeky smile, George Calombaris. So I decided to make it because I had all the ingredients for Greek lamb souvlaki - yoghurt, garlic, olive oil and half a lamb souvlaki in the fridge congealing in its take-away wrapping. But I didn't have any cucumbers and George said they were crucial for tzatziki - I don't normally buy them because they just taste like green crunchy water and you would only ever use them to garnish your Pimms No. 1 Cup when you're enjoying the regatta with Lord Piggerton-Smythley.
So I walked down to Rocky's Fruit 'n' Veg to buy a cucumber and when I got there I was plunged into an awful cucumber-nundrum - there were two kinds of cucumber in the cucumber department. A big pile of Lebanese ones that were small and dainty and verdantly appealing. And one last remaining continental one that was crude, vulgar, 35 centimetres long, slightly bowed, and came in a plastic condom-sheath complete with reservoir tip. Which kind to use? I turned to a woman shopping nearby and said, ''Excuse me, I'm not sure which cucumber to buy, I'm doing Greek tonight'', and she just winced weirdly and said, ''Greek? … well the longer one I suppose'', and I said, ''Just what I thought. Lebanese looks way too small for my cucumber needs!''
So I grabbed the last remaining continental cucumber - it felt wrong to pick up, all firm and warm and yielding but I needed it for tzatziki so I carried it up to Rocky at the register and said, ''Just this, thanks'', and he peered at it close and said, ''Hmm, its got an unusual tip, mate'', and I said, "Yeah, it was the last one you had", and he said, ''Well they're normally $2.50, mate, but I'll let you have it for two bucks cos of that very unusual tip'', so I gave him two bucks and said, ''Can you please put it in a plastic bag?'', and he said, ''Sorry mate, we don't give plastic bags for three items or less; here at Rocky's we consider the future of the environment'', so I just took my cucumber and walked out of the store, holding it in my hand, all 35 centimetres, slightly bowed, unusually tipped.
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It was a pleasant afternoon and everyone was out strolling the footpaths so I just kept my head down and walked home quickly with my cucumber, sheathed in shiny plastic so it glinted in the sun and caught everyone's attention. A pack of schoolkids walked past, staring and sniggering, and I just walked faster, glancing up at them sternly as if to say, ''I suffer this cucumber shame for the future of YOUR environment, BE GRATEFUL!'' A bunch of car mechanics were eating lunch outside a car mechanic place on the corner and one of them yelled, ''Oi, make sure you get batteries for it!'', and I just walked faster, head down, clutching my cucumber tighter, my hand pulsing with anxiety - or was that the cucumber pulsing by itself? Didn't know. Didn't want to know.
Halfway home, I was near-running, thinking about hiding the cucumber up my shirt-sleeve but I was wearing a T-shirt, the unusual tip would peek out. Or hiding it down the leg of my jeans, no no, that would just look even worse. Just hold it, Danny, nothing you can do, just carry your cucumber with pride: so I did, marching past the crowded cafe, past the busy tram stop, past the kosher deli with a Jewish family staring out through the window, spotting the unusual tip, shaking their heads disapprovingly.
Got my cucumber home, my long, bowed, vulgar crude-cumber, then I stripped off its plastic sheath and grated off its tip with bitter Calombaris rage, grated the whole thing right down to its base, thinking about those billions of plastic bags polluting our waterways, bushlands, oceans. It's catastrophic, I know, but please, at least allow them for continental cucumbers, for the sake of tzatziking decency.
Danny Katz's column appears in The Age's MelbourneLife on Thursdays.
''Oi, make sure you get batteries for it!''
;P ;P ;P ;P ;P
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