第二篇作文， 恳求大家批改

pingorliu

题目：
Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life.
Which do you consider to be the major influence ?

正文：
In mordern society, there are a wide variety of people with different personalities doing different works. Recently, a research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have far more impact on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life. Even though some people disagree with that, I am strongly support this view.

Fundamentally speaking, Human’s personality is determined by the characteristics we are born with. This point can be best illustrated by the example of distinct behavior of children. Some children that are the type of extroverted are more hyperactive and more open to the strange objects which involve people and stuff, while no sooner is a strange person going to give the introverted child a hug, then this child may be scared to tears. Pratically, the child of the first type will grow to a more aggressive person, and he or she will almost do a sales job or became a leader. By contrast, the introverted child will become an adult that is not active and not adept at expressing himself, as a consequence, he or she will do some researchment job or become a writer in the future for the most part.

Indeed, the experience and sorroundings may change the personality of one person to some extent. But as a matter of fact, the effect is rather little. After participating in a course which conduct the people how to communicate with other people and express themselves affluently and effectively, extreme minority of the people will change their behavior ways to some point, and superficially they are more active and aggressive, then because of the changement in their personality they can do the same job as the extroverted people as well. But essentially, the experiences only change people’s behavior but not change their personalities at all.

To sum up, the characteristics which are born with the person are the key determinant of the personality of a person, and the different personalities exert an profound effect on the development of the person.     

欢迎大家的批评以及批改，谢谢啦

stillying1983

I am strongly support this view.
语法错误吧，am 和support
呵呵，俺水平不行，就喜欢纠错
给我老公改多了

stillying1983

changement， researchment 没有这样的词吧？
change和research都可以做名词的
as a consequence, he or she will do some researchment job or become a writer in the future for the most part.  改成这样如何？
As a consequence, he or she may become a researcher or writer in the future .

stillying1983

a wide variety of people,可以这么说吗，感觉怪怪的
有些句子长了点儿，偶看不懂
我23号考，还没写过作文呢。懒得写

[ 本帖最后由 stillying1983 于 9-1-2010 00:50 编辑 ]

stillying1983

Some children that are the type of extroverted
干嘛不直接用Extroverted children
感觉有时候把句子写得太长反而不好理解

我的霍巴特

高手真多。。。

我定了，6分。

rommi

提一点小建议  and少用点
But可以改成however和unfortunately

简单句合并成从句 比如
Human’s personality is determined by the characteristics we are born with. This point can be best illustrated by the example of distinct behavior of children

->

Human’s personality is determined by the characteristics we are born with, which can be best illustrated by the example of distinct behavior of children

pingorliu

有道理， 改成 a wide variety of types of people 呢，
这么简单的语法错误， 真不应该犯啊，需要 面壁 去了
有些句子，确实应该精简下

得好好总结一下

wj22

请问一下LZ题目是从哪里来的?题目有点不地道而且有语法错误.
题目：www.freeoz.org, ?4 C3 N- v% h9 n
Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have muchmore influence on our personality and development than any experienceswe may have in our life.澳洲华人,澳洲移民,澳洲自助移民,澳洲移民DIY,澳大利亚自助移民,澳大利亚移民DIY,澳洲生活,澳洲留学,澳大利亚留学,澳大利亚生活,澳洲租房,澳洲工作,澳洲华人论坛,澳大利亚华人论坛,澳大利亚中国人论坛,澳洲中国人论坛,澳洲移民非中介,澳大利亚移民非中介,旅游,论坛,我为人人,人人为我4 F' ]* u; p: {1 d& e
Which do you consider to be the major influence ?
# V7 ^7 N: J0 G, P% |" v" @0 n我为人人，人人为我
/ f1 I  N: |) b4 r5 Jwww.freeoz.org正文：
0 B2 K- K7 N. J) ^" n'j澳洲华人,澳洲移民,澳洲自助移民,澳洲移民DIY,澳大利亚自助移民,澳大利亚移民DIY,澳洲生活,澳洲留学,澳大利亚留学,澳大利亚生活,澳洲租房,澳洲工作,澳洲华人论坛,澳大利亚华人论坛,澳大利亚中国人论坛,澳洲中国人论坛,澳洲移民非中介,澳大利亚移民非中介,旅游,论坛,我为人人,人人为我In mordern society, there are a wide variety of people withdifferent personalities doing different works. Recently, a researchindicates that the characteristics we are born with have far moreimpact on our personality and development than any experiences we mayhave in our life. Even though some people disagree with that, I amstrongly support this view.

1....are a --> is a
2. ....people withdifferent personalities LZ应该想讲人性格多样吧,但第一句表达的是"有相当多的人具有多重性格"
3.第一句除了歧义还过于累赘.应该着重写性格的多样化.
4.第二句基本上是抄题目.雅思评分标准表明抄题目是不可以的.
5.第三句的that 要改为不同意的意见
6.最好不要用strongly support. strongly support 等同中文的坚决支持. 语气不需要这么硬.
3 O/ ^, u. ^+ S6 `( Q
' ?5 g" r( n% P: E8 o$ u2 v! owww.freeoz.orgFundamentallyspeaking, Human’s personality is determined by the characteristics weare born with. This point can be best illustrated by the example ofdistinct behavior of children. Some children that are the type ofextroverted are more hyperactive and more open to the strange objectswhich involve people and stuff, while no sooner is a strange persongoing to give the introverted child a hug, then this child may bescared to tears. Pratically, the child of the first type will grow to amore aggressive person, and he or she will almost do a sales job orbecame a leader. By contrast, the introverted child will become anadult that is not active and not adept at expressing himself, as aconsequence, he or she will do some researchment job or become a writerin the future for the most part.

1.Fundamentally speaking--> Generally speaking 就够了.
2 Human's personality --> people's personality, 另外,句中human不用大写
3. 第一句只有在抄题目,没有提出论点.最好与第二句合并.
4.删去the example of
5.distinct, 相对什么来讲
6. Some children that are the type ofextroverted --> Children who are extroverted
7.hyperactive是过动, 多为贬义
8. the strange objects --> strange objects
9.第三句在第二个从句开始乱了.
10.第四句, the child of ---> children of
11. grow to a --> grow to be a
12. aggressive 多为贬义
13. he or she -->they
14. 第四句语意不清, 外向->?aggressive->?sales/leader? 没有什么必然的关系吧.
15. the introverted child --> introverted children
16. 最后一句把内向和终结分为两句,并做适当的修改.
17. LZ提出的各项论点有点勉强.

3 d  J/ _3 U% |$ A2 @3 fwww.freeoz.org/bbs澳洲移民互助论坛|澳洲华人|澳大利亚DIY移民,生活,工作,兴趣互助平台 - 我为人人，人人为我6 Z9 g- R) V4 a
Indeed, the experience and sorroundings may change the personality ofone person to some extent. But as a matter of fact, the effect israther little. After participating in a course which conduct the peoplehow to communicate with other people and express themselves affluentlyand effectively, extreme minority of the people will change theirbehavior ways to some point, and superficially they are more active andaggressive, then because of the changement in their personality theycan do the same job as the extroverted people as well. But essentially,the experiences only change people’s behavior but not change theirpersonalities at all.

1.由于第二段没有很好地论证人先天的特点对人性格的作用,这段再写周围环境也有影响,使得作者的立场比较弱.
2. the experience --> experiences
3. of one --> of a
4. 删去 to some extent
5.不要用but开头
6.第二句过于口语化.
7. which conduct -->  which conducts, conduct 改为teach
8. the people --> people
9. other people ---> others
10. express-->expresses
11. extreme minority of the people, 论证论点是靠举可信的,有逻辑性的实例, 过于夸大反而起反作用.
12.behavior ways --> behavior
13. 删去 to some point
14. 第二句从and superficially开始就很乱了. 另外superficially 不可以这样用.

1 H% O" w* Y3 {  I" ?8 o
www.freeoz.org& J% `; L! D1 s5 ^/ b1 PTo sum up, the characteristics which are born with the person are thekey determinant of the personality of a person, and the differentpersonalities exert an profound effect on the development of theperson.     

LZ这篇文章有词不达意以及用词不准确的现象.主要问题有:
1.论证不支持论点,论点不清晰
2.句与句之间不连贯,句子结构不清晰,往往句子过长.
3.定冠词,不定冠词用法有误
4.限定与非限定从句用法不正确.
5.有相当的语法与英语用法问题
建议LZ先从基本的句子,词汇开始练习,不要急于写大作文.

pingorliu

wj22, 说的很到位， 等改正完所有问题，再请大侠批改

pingorliu

非限定性定语从句　　非限定性定语从句的含义：
　　非限定性定语从句起补充说明作用，缺少也不会影响全句的理解，在非限定性定语从句的前面往往有逗号隔开，如若将非限定性定语从句放在句子中间，起前后都需要用逗号隔开。
　　非限定性定语从句的关系词：
　　①引导非限定性定语从句的关系代词：
　　指代对象 指代人 指代物
主格 who which,as
宾格 whom which,as
所有格 of whom, whose which, of which,
　　whose
　　

　　②引导非限定性定语从句的关系副词主要有：when,where
　　非限定性定语从句的使用规则及注意事项：
　　1. which引导的非限定性定语从句是用来说明前面整个句子的情况或主句的某一部分。
　　2. 在引导限定性定语从句时，that有时相当于in which, at which, for which或at which 。其中，介词的选用，依据从句中的动词所需搭配的介词来选用。
　　例句：
　　①Attitudes towards daydreaming are changing in much the same way that(in which) attitudes towards night dreaming have changed.
　　人们对白日做梦的态度正在改变，这与人们对夜间做梦的看法的变化有非常相似之处。
　　②I like the music for the very reason that(for which) he dislike it.
　　我出于某种原因喜欢这种音乐，而他恰恰与我相反。
　　③We arrived the day that(on which) they left.
　　刚好我们到的那天他们走了。
　　3. as有时也可用作关系代词 。
　　4. 在非限定性定语从句中，关系词不能用that。
　　限定性定语从句与非限定性定语从句的区别
　　1.限定性定语从句: 从句不能省略,如果省略整个句子意思不完整。
　　非限定性定语从句: 从句可以省略,如果省略整个句子意思仍然完整 。
　　2.限定性定语从句: 先行词可以用that 引导。
　　非限定性定语从句: 先行词不可以用that 引导。
　　3.限定性定语从句: 引导词有时可以省略。
　　非限定性定语从句:引导词不可以省略。
　　4.限定性定语从句:主句与从句不需要用逗号隔开。
　　非限定性定语从句:主句与从句需要用逗号隔开。
　　5.限定性定语从句: 从句只修饰先行词。
　　非限定性定语从句:从句即可以修饰先行词，也可以修饰整个句子或句子的一部分。
　　限定性定语从句与非限定性定语从句在其功能和形式方面的区别：
　　限定性定语从句与主句的关系很紧奏，对其先行词起限定、修饰的作用。如果将其去掉，会影响句子意思的完整性；有时甚至于引起费解、误解。例如：
　　1.Rainforests are being cleared for valuable timber and other resources to speed up the economic growth of the nationsin which they are located .
　　为了加速他们各自所在国家的经济发展，热带雨林作为有价值的原木和其他资源正为人们所砍伐。
　　2.Ocean currents affect the climates of the lands near which they flow.
　　洋流影响其流经的附近地区的气候。
　　3.They explained the reason to us why they had hated us before.
　　他们向我们解释为什么他们不喜欢我们的原因。
　　非限定性定语从句非限定性定语从句在形式上就与主句很松散，它与主句之间有一个逗点"，"隔开；它对其先行词没有限定、修饰的作用，只起补充、说明的作用。有时也用它来对全句进行补充、说明。即使将其去掉，也不会影响句子意思。由于上述原因，非限定性定语从句在表达意思方面也有别于限定性定语从句。另外，非限定性定语从句在中文译文里，我们往往将其作为一个分句处理，而不把它作定语翻译。 例如：Earlier , the Babylonians had attempted to map the world , but they presented it in the form of a flattened disc rather than a sphere , which was the form adopted by Ptolemy .
　　（此句中，非限定性定语从句是对先行词a sphere进行补充、说明。）
　　更早之前，巴比伦人曾试图绘制世界地图，但是他们把它绘制成平盘状而不是托勒密所采用的球体状。
　　The combination of satellites, which transmit information , computers , which store information , and television , which displays information , will change every home into an education and entertainment center .
　　（此句中，三个非限定性定语从句分别对三个先行词：satellites ，computers和television进行补充、说明。如果去掉这三个非限定性定语从句，那么句子可简化为：The combination of satellites , computers and television will change every home into an education and entertainment center .）卫星能传输信息，计算机能储存信息，电视能显示信息，把这些手段结合起来可以使每个家庭都成为教育娱乐的中心。
　　The sun heats the earth , which makes it possible for plants to grow .（此句中，非限定性定语从句是对全句进行补充、说明,将全句表达的意思看成"一件事情）。太阳给予大地热，这就使植物的生长成为可能。
　　The old man has a son , who is in the army .（此句中，非限定性定语从句是对先行词son进行补充、说明。但本句所传达的信息是："这位老人只有一个儿子" 。如果将此句改写成限定性定语从句："The old man has a son who is in the army . ＂那位老人有一个在部队工作的儿子。那么，限定性定语从句就要对先行词son进行限定、修饰。这样一来，句子所传达的信息就变成了："这位老人有一个儿子在部队工作"，也就是说可能老人还有其他的儿子在干别的工作）那位老人有一个儿子，他在部队工作。"

pingorliu

以后不再为了长句，而写长句， 这样反而会引起如语法错误， 语义表达不清等等问题， 还有the的使用问题， 复习了下， 中学的语法记不清了。
至于论点以及论据的问题， 我在写的时候就已经感觉到了， 不过 今天总结了下， 颇有收获。