为了第五次雅思,每天一篇作文求批改

ricking · 发表于 2-3-2011 15:09:56

5分和7分差距很大了吧？我想要看出6.5分和7分的差别来

david_c · 发表于 3-3-2011 01:20:35

Wring 4[2011.3.2]
Some people think that strong tradition can civilize a country and the government should subsidize musicians, artists, actors and drama companies. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion? What should government do?

With the acceleration of industrialization, an increasing number of new items are created. But meanwhile, it has been a highly contentious issue that whether government should sponsor the traditional items with an aim to preserve them. In my opinion, government should protect those still have considerable values in the future, and give up those are worth nothing.

As has been generally acknowledged that the merits of strong tradition are apparent. To begin with, great tradition lays a solid foundation for the development of human civilization. Most of innovations of high technology were made based on the former inventions. For instance, if there were no telephone to be invented, we will be still unable to surf on the internet. Moreover, preserved tradition can help modern people to learn about the conventional culture. It is the common feature of humanity that everyone has a curious heart about everything they meet. Especially, people who live in modern society curiously want to know what happened at the past, and what kind of music their ancestors listened to.

By contrast, the opponents also can list amounts of unfavorable aspects of preserving tradition. First, strong baneful tradition can curb the development of new things. Take China as an example, feudalism of Qing dynasty is considerably stronger than any other countries’ in any time. It seriously hinders the development of capitalism. Therefore, the progression of industrialization in China is obviously later than other countries’. Secondly, the expense of protecting the extinct tradition is so high, while the effects are unacceptable. Especially for the developing countries, they should invest in the construction of infrastructure instead of useless traditional things.

In my opinion, on the one hand, government should distinguish valuable traditions from worthless ones. On the other hand, the tradition which does not suit the modern society should be leaded to reform in order to be accepted by the new situation. If the endangered tradition is still unable to attain new innovations, it means it has arrived at its destination.

ricking · 发表于 3-3-2011 09:31:55

Some people think that strong tradition can civilize a country and the government should subsidize musicians, artists, actors and drama companies. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion? What should government do?

With the acceleration of industrialization, an increasing number of new items are created. But meanwhile, it has been a highly contentious issue that whether government should sponsor the traditional items with an aim to preserve them. In my opinion, government should protect those still have considerable values in the future, and give up those are worth nothing.

【As has been generally acknowledged that，->As having been generally acknowledged,】 the merits of strong tradition are apparent. To begin with, great tradition lays a solid foundation for the development of human civilization. Most of innovations of high technology were made based on the former inventions. For instance, if there were no telephone to be invented, we will【->would】 be still unable to surf on the internet. Moreover, preserved tradition can help modern people to learn about the conventional culture. It is the common feature of humanity that everyone has a curious heart about everything they meet. Especially【->To be more specific/Specifically/For example】, people who live in modern society curiously want to know what happened at 【->in】the past, and what kind of music their ancestors listened to.

By contrast, the opponents also can list amounts of unfavorable aspects of preserving tradition. First, strong baneful tradition can curb the development of new things. Take China as an example, feudalism of Qing dynasty is considerably stronger than any other countries’ in any time. It seriously hinders【->过去时】 the development of capitalism. Therefore, the progression of industrialization in China is【->过去时】 obviously later【slower?】 than other countries’. Secondly, the expense of protecting the extinct tradition is so【->very】 high, while the effects are unacceptable【这句话Chinglish比较明显】. Especially for 【the，感觉可以去掉】 developing countries, they should invest in the construction of infrastructure instead of [the costly preservation of] useless traditional things.

In my opinion【重复出现，缺乏同义转换】, on the one hand, government should distinguish valuable traditions from worthless ones. On the other hand, the tradition which does not suit the modern society should be leaded to reform in order to be accepted 【by the new situation，Chinglish】. 【If the endangered tradition is still unable to attain new innovations, it means it has arrived at its destination.，有跑题嫌疑】

ricking · 发表于 3-3-2011 09:34:15

修改的不好的地方，恳请高手指出，共同进步

ricking · 发表于 3-3-2011 09:37:32

不过，如果lz能在考场上写出和上面这篇差不多的文章，你的作文分数绝对不止5.5分的吧？
拭目以待

yrqin · 发表于 3-3-2011 09:52:54

我这里补充一些：
1.
题目里出现了两个问题
Do you agree or disagree with the opinion? What should government do?

但是楼主的文章似乎只着重回答了第二个问题，而没有明确回答第一个问题。

2. 楼主的文章里基本语法错还是不少的，需要注意了。ricking已经基本指出来了，我这里就不罗嗦了。

david_c · 发表于 3-3-2011 10:37:12

原帖由 ricking 于 3-3-2011 07:37 发表

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不过，如果lz能在考场上写出和上面这篇差不多的文章，你的作文分数绝对不止5.5分的吧？
拭目以待

现在练习的时候写的比较慢,前思后想的.后面可能要考虑提高写作速度了.

david_c · 发表于 3-3-2011 11:10:45

原帖由 yrqin 于 3-3-2011 07:52 发表

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我这里补充一些：
1.
题目里出现了两个问题
Do you agree or disagree with the opinion? What should government do?

但是楼主的文章似乎只着重回答了第二个问题，而没有明确回答第一个问题。

2. 楼主的文 ...

这第一个问题是不是在第一段里回答一下就可以,我这里是折中的方式,像这种回答应该怎么说呢.
In my opinion, the two opinions can be reconciled, and government should protect those still have considerable values in the future, and give up those are worth nothing.
这样可以吗?

yrqin · 发表于 3-3-2011 11:33:06

我感觉大概是这个写法吧：
In my opinion, blablabla（针对第一个问题，你要对‘Some people think that’的观点进行表态）.Therefore,government should protect those still have considerable values in the future, and give up those are worth nothing.

这样能更好地回应题目。

david_c · 发表于 4-3-2011 01:39:14

Writing 5[2011.3.3]
In today’s world, it is private companies rather than government who pay for and carry out most on scientific research. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantage?

In modern society, the innovation of new technology should be attributed to an increasing number of investments in scientific research. But meanwhile, it is a highly contentious issue that whether government should shoulder more responsibilities on sponsoring and running these researches. I hold the viewpoint that humanity would benefit from the scientific researches operated by private companies.

It is generally believed that business run by companies can benefit in amounts of favorable aspects. To begin with, it is evident that the working efficiency of employees in companies is much higher than the one’s in government. Most of us had the same experience that we would spend more time on matters related to government. Moreover, the business operated by company is able to be lead into a virtuous circulation through the commercial operation. The only aim of companies is to earn more money; therefore, they invest in researches with an aim to produce new products to occupy the market. And those new products are able to contribute to more profits. Once the companies attain considerable income, they would like to allocate money to another product.

By contrast, the opponents may argue that companies would bring a tremendous number of undesirable perspectives. First, compared with government, the reliability of company is evidently lower than government. The result released by companies sometimes cannot be believed by citizens; therefore, to a certain extent it reduces the effects of the researches. Secondly, the lack of supervision and fierce competitions result in harmful events. The aim of the corporation is to pursue interests; as a result, some of the irresponsible companies will use substandard products to replace the perfect one.

In conclusion, though there are some baneful respects on companies, I still think the merits of researches funded by companies outnumber the demerits.

[ 本帖最后由 david_c 于 3-3-2011 23:40 编辑 ]

ricking · 发表于 4-3-2011 09:50:35

两个小小的修改建议：
1. research是不可数的，所以researches是错误的写法
2. 结尾段 I still think the ，感觉太土了，你可以用：I still insist/reckon/believe/maintain

david_c · 发表于 4-3-2011 12:03:34

这里我有一个问题想请教一下,我的习惯是两个主体段落分别讨论好处和坏处,
这主体段落的中心句怎么写呢.
比如,
段落1写好处: XXX有很多好的方面.
段落2,写坏处:相比之下,XXX也有很多不好的方面.
这样写合理吗,有没有好的建议,现在每次写到这里都觉得很别扭,但是又不知道怎么修改.

ricking · 发表于 4-3-2011 14:12:26

那样子写不是很好吗？

最后总结一下自己的观点就好了。

不过有的人写自己支持的观点在第一个主体段，而有的人喜欢把自己支持的观点写在第二个主体段而已。

david_c · 发表于 5-3-2011 01:08:38

Writing 5[2011.3.4]
The gap between the rich and the poor is becoming wider, the richer much richer, the poor even much poor, what problems can the situation cause and give the solutions.

In modern society, with the acceleration of economic development, it seems that the gap between the rich and the poor is increasingly bigger than before. The situation causes amounts of social problems; therefore, measures should be taken to combat the situation.

The existence of the huge difference of income between the wealthy and the poor contributes to a tremendous number of problems. To begin with, it is manifest that the sense of unfairness would make the poor feel unsatisfied with the society. It is easy to imagine the bad feelings that individuals are suffering from the poverty, while others are driving luxurious cars passing by. Moreover, to a large extent, the resources owned by the society will be wasted. The resources holding by the rich are considerably more than the poor’s; however, the rich cannot make full use of them. For example, the houses owned by the rich are more than they can use, at the same time, there is no houses for the poor to live in.

I think the solution to the problem lies with the government, and the government should play a pivotal role in resolving the situation. Firstly, the government should use the tax to balance the huge gap. The more income you earn, the more tax should be imposed. Secondly, the government should encourage the rich to help the poor, and give the poor more chances to improve their abilities of earning money. Last but not least, some facilities and houses should be provided to the poor by the government with an aim to ensure the basic life of the poor.

In conclusion, the huge gap results in a variety of social matters, therefore, the government should take measures to reduce the distance between the rich and the poor.

[ 本帖最后由 david_c 于 4-3-2011 23:10 编辑 ]

esta0823 · 发表于 5-3-2011 01:22:46

个人认为这个议题的第一段可以这么写
Recently,the difference between the rich and poor is becoming bigger while economics is developing.I believe that XXX

david_c · 发表于 6-3-2011 01:01:42

Writing 7[2011.3.5]Today there is a great increase in anti-social behavior and lack of respect to others. What are the causes of this? What measures can be taken to reduce this problem?

With the acceleration of the economic development, a more harmonious society is expected. However, it seems that the behavior of anti-social and lack of respect to others is increasingly serious than ever before. In this essay, I will try to analyse the causes of the situation and propose some solutions to the problem.

The causes of these bad behaviors are diverse. To begin with, the growing gap between the rich and the poor is the root cause of this situation. Since 80% of the social property is held by 20% of people, it is easy to cause the sense of dissatisfaction of the working class. It is still hard to afford their own house for working classes even under the efforts of several generations; therefore, the people who lose their hope, sometimes, will take some anti-social behavior. Moreover, the lack of the responsibility of the government is also the major cause of the problem. In modern society, it is generally believed that the corruption in government is considerably serious, and it also contributes to dissatisfaction of the citizens. Furthermore, the growing awareness of selfish results in lack of respecting others. Nowadays, most people would like to consider their own interest in advance instead of others.

I think the solutions to these problems lie with the government, they need to be more aware of the future consequence of the bad social situation. First, the government should take measures to reduce the huge gap between the wealthy and the poor. For instance, the government is able to use tax to balance the gap of income in order to relieve the dissatisfaction of the lower income earners. Secondly, the reliabilities of the government should be improved to increase the efficiency of the regulation released by the authorities. Last but not least, the sense of communicating with others should be encouraged with an aim to make citizens understand each other and respect each other. Research has proved that the understanding of each other can promote the awareness of the respect.

In conclusion, some factors contribute to these bad social behaviors. I am convinced that the government should take effective steps to resolve the problems.

yrqin · 发表于 6-3-2011 10:14:01

ith the acceleration of the economic development, a more harmonious society is expected. However, it seems that the behavior of anti-social and lack of respect to others is increasingly serious than ever before. In this essay, I will try to analyse the causes of the situation and propose some solutions to the problem.

The causes of these bad behaviors are diverse. To begin with, the growing gap between the rich and the poor is[->is likely to be] the root cause of this situation. Since 80% of the social property is held by 20% of people, it is easy to cause the sense of dissatisfaction of the working class. [For example,] It is still hard to afford their own house for working classes even under the efforts of several generations; therefore, the people who lose their hope, sometimes, will[->may] take some anti-social behavior. Moreover, the lack of the responsibility of the government is also the[->a] major cause of the problem. In modern society, it is generally believed that the corruption in government is considerably serious, and it also contributes to dissatisfaction of the citizens. Furthermore, the growing awareness of selfish results in lack of respecting others. Nowadays, most people would like to consider their own interest in advance[->first] instead of[->and then followed by] others['].

I think[In my view/In my opinion/Personally, I believe] the solutions to these problems lie with the government, [which means/by which I mean] they[the government?] need to be more aware of the future[potential 更好?] consequence of the bad social situation. First, the government should take measures to reduce the huge gap between the wealthy and the poor. For instance, the government is able to use tax to balance the gap of income in order to relieve the dissatisfaction of the lower income earners. Secondly, the reliabilities of the government should be improved to increase the efficiency of the regulation released by the authorities. Last but not least, the sense of communicating with others should be encouraged with an aim to make citizens understand each other [better] and [hence,] respect each other. [This is because] Research has proved that the understanding of each other can promote the awareness of the respect.

In conclusion, some factors contribute to these bad social behaviors, [such as ...]. [As a result/Therefore,] I am convinced that the government should take effective steps, [like ....], to resolve the problems.

感觉写的不错！还有些小问题：1. 有些地方语气过强，过于肯定 2. 连贯性和衔接方面还有需要改进的地方 3. 从句的写法有时候还是会有问题，如‘I think[In my view/In my opinion/Personally, I believe] the solutions to these problems lie with the governmen’这句的后面一句应该独立出来或当作从句来写

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 6-3-2011 11:18 编辑 ]

psd1179 · 发表于 6-3-2011 16:56:13

In today’s world, it is private companies rather than government who pay for and carry out most on scientific research. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantage?

In modern society, should be attributes to an increasing number of investments in scientific research. But meanwhile, it is a highly contentious issue that whether government should shoulder more responsibilities on sponsoring and running these researches. I hold the viewpoint that humanity would benefit from the scientific researches operated by private companies.(your expression is odd and quite confusing. you should concentrate on the topic. In modern society, the innovation of new technology is often attribute to the investigation of private companies rather than that of the government. Nevertheless, though there is contentious discussion of whether the government should have more responsibility on this issue or the private investigation has more potential drawbacks, I tend to agree with the viewpoint that private funded scientific research have more benefits outweigh its drawbacks. )

(It is generally believed that business run by companies can benefit in amounts of favorable aspects.(this is not a topic sentense according to the following argument. you can delete it) To begin with, it is evident that the working efficiency of employees in private companies is much higher than the one’s that in governments. Most of us had the same experience that we would spend more time on matters related to government(confusing, the sentense has the same meaning to the former sentense, you 'd better cite an example). Moreover,However the business operated by company is able to be lead into a virtuous circulation through the commercial operation(confusing). The only aim of companies is to earn more money; therefore, they invest in researches with an aim to produce new products to occupy the market. And those new products are able to contribute to more profits. Once the companies attain considerable income, they would like to allocate money to another product. (It is hard to follew with your ideas. if you want a smooth discussion, you can start with a topic sentense, and take numerious examples to explain it. In this paragraph, you start with discussing efficient, then you should always concentate on this topic)

By contrast, the opponents may argue that companies would bring a tremendous number of undesirable perspectives( in terms of ^^^^). First, compared with government, the reliability of company is evidently lower than government. (compared with government, you should discuss the company instead of the reliability of the company)The result released by companies sometimes cannot be believed trusted by citizens; therefore, to a certain extent it reduces the effects of the researches. Secondly, the lack of supervision and fierce competitions result in harmful events. The aim of the corporation is to pursue interests; as a result, some of the irresponsible companies will use substandard products to replace the perfect one.

In conclusion, though there are some baneful respects on companies, I still think the merits of researches funded by companies outnumber the demerits.

OK, I have to say that you language is very confusing. Do not use Chinese lingustic customs. The essay is concerned with issue of "A benefits B" . so you 'd better prepare ten different sentenses in terms of this issue,"A benefits B", first. then, you will find you writing can be smoothly soon.

[ 本帖最后由 psd1179 于 6-3-2011 19:54 编辑 ]

DANTE · 发表于 6-3-2011 20:14:15

楼主你现在写作绝对要开始掐时间了，因为45分钟写的水平和你现在写的作文的质量绝对不能比的，如果你最近的几篇作文都是在45分钟内完成的话你考试应该在5.5-6分之间，不然的话就需要多加强了~~
我之前练习的时候一般文章都是90分钟写一篇的，里面的替换词也用的很多，逻辑想的也很紧密，当时给老师看他们都觉得有机会7分，可是一上考场的时候根本没那么多时间给你去慢慢的想替换词，也没有时间去想你之前写的话和之后的一句之间的逻辑是否紧密，当那个时候会很紧张导致范很多错误，最终我那次考试只有5。5分，所以我建议必须要在考前把自己的写作时间狠掐。

david_c · 发表于 7-3-2011 00:18:38

yrqin,我太佩服你了, “I think[In my view/In my opinion/Personally, I believe] the solutions to these problems lie with the governmen’这句的后面一句应该独立出来或当作从句来写”,这句话是我背的考官作文中的句子,原文是”But I think the solution to the problem lies with the family, who need to be more aware of the future consequence of spoiling their children.” 这个who这里我老是背错.结果被你一眼就看了出来.
我对连贯性和衔接还是有点不太明白,这里主要是指句子间的过渡吧. 我看到评分标准里有这一项,但是我以为就是first, secondly之类的. 现在看来,你帮我加上的For example, Personally, I believe , This is because, As a result/Therefore 这些都算吧. 我的问题是这些什么时候应该加,什么时候不应该加呢.

david_c · 发表于 7-3-2011 00:20:55

原帖由 DANTE 于 6-3-2011 18:14 发表

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楼主你现在写作绝对要开始掐时间了，因为45分钟写的水平和你现在写的作文的质量绝对不能比的，如果你最近的几篇作文都是在45分钟内完成的话你考试应该在5.5-6分之间，不然的话就需要多加强了~~
我之前练习的时候一般 ...

多谢提醒,我也是打算从周一开始就用铅笔手写,反正手里的铅笔很多(都5根了),这样坚持1个多有,考场的感觉应该就培养出来了吧.
我现在写的时候也是老是琢磨来琢磨去,感觉基础太不扎实了.

david_c · 发表于 7-3-2011 00:22:38

多谢你的评论,我现在对写作只能算是刚入门,前几天才在yrqin的指导下有了点概念,现在写的时候思路仍然不是很清晰,希望以后多加指点.

david_c · 发表于 7-3-2011 00:23:53

Writing 8 letter[2011.3.6]今天来封信You have applied a course to a college in Australia, but you still have not received the reply. Write a letter to state:
1. The details of the course;
2. Why you choose the course;
3. Why you need the reply soon

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to request your assistance to check my application of the course named Project Management which I applied 2 months ago. However, I did not receive the reply from you until now.

The main content of the course is about project management methodology in the field of computer science. It is consisted of time management, risk management and quality management and so on. Therefore, I think it is quite useful for me. As you know, I have been a project manager for 2 years. And now, the projects managed by me are increasingly bigger than before, as a result, I need to improve my ability of the project management. It is generally believed that the best school in the field of project management in Australia is your school, therefore, I hope I would have the opportunity to join into the best school.

I wish you could reply me within 7 days, because I have got another school’s offer. And I need to decide if I need accept that offer before next weekend. Personally, I really wish I can join into your school.

I am looking forward to your reply.

Yours sincerely,

David Luan

psd1179 · 发表于 7-3-2011 01:22:13

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to request your assistance to check （ inquire） my application of the course named (Delete)Project Management . I (have submitted the applicantion) applied 2 months ago. However, I did not receive the reply from you until now.

The main content of(delete) The course is about project management methodology in the field of computer science. It is (,which) consisted (consists) of time management, risk management and quality management and so on. Therefore(delete), I think it is quite useful for me. As you know, (because) I have been a project manager for 2 years. And now, the projects managed by me are increasingly bigger(complex) than before, as a result, I need to improve my ability of the project management. It is generally believed that the best school in the field of project management in Australia is your school ( your school is the best one in this field), therefore, I hope I would have the opportunity to join into the best school (study in).

I wish you could reply me within 7 days, because I have got another school’s offer (to reply). (but your school is always my best choice) And( the uncertainty makes me hard to) to decide if (whether) I need accept that offer (or not) before next weekend. Personally, I really wish I can join into your school.(delete)

I am looking forward to your reply.(hearing from you soon)

yrqin · 发表于 7-3-2011 09:56:24

原帖由 david_c 于 7-3-2011 01:18 发表

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yrqin,我太佩服你了, “I think the solutions to these problems lie with the governmen’这句的后面一句应该独立出来或当作从句来写”,这句话是我背的考官作文中的句子,原文是”But I think the solution to the ...

你提到：‘这个who这里我老是背错’，说明你的基础语法还不过关。

连贯性和衔接是和句子间的过渡有关联。但是更看重的是句子与句子之间，段落和段落之间关系。那句子间的关系来说，一般有四种：
1. addition: 例如moreover, for example, firstly, secondly, in addition, ...
2. sequence: 例如initially, then, followed by, after that,...
3. cause & effect: 例如because, because of, as a result, consequently, ... 以及高级点的reduce, enlarge, ...
4. compare & contrast: 例如more, bigger, faster, by/in contrast, however, but, ...

当你对句子与句子间的关系比较清楚的时候，很多时候就需要用相关的连接词来明显的表现出这些关系来。
这很可能是雅思的一个重要考点：Coherence and Cohesion 方面的评分，连接词相关部分的评分标准如下：
5 makes inadequate,inaccurate or over-use of cohesive devices
6 uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
7 uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use

这是5分到7分的连接词相关部分的要求。

如果你的行文很紧凑的话，大部分句子之间的关系应该都在这4类型关系里面，不然的话，你的行文就不够紧凑，逻辑上也就不会太通顺了。

yrqin · 发表于 7-3-2011 10:05:15

原帖由 david_c 于 7-3-2011 01:20 发表

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多谢提醒,我也是打算从周一开始就用铅笔手写,反正手里的铅笔很多(都5根了),这样坚持1个多有,考场的感觉应该就培养出来了吧.
我现在写的时候也是老是琢磨来琢磨去,感觉基础太不扎实了.

练习的时候，就得要‘琢磨来琢磨去,感觉基础太不扎实’，这样才能有所提高；反之，如果你觉得都很好写，一会就完成了，很可能什么都学不到。总之，有问题才有进步的方向和进步的动力。看不到问题才是最可怕的。

david_c · 发表于 8-3-2011 01:23:49

Wring 9[2011.3.7] 今晚是手写的,在40分钟内写完了,模拟考试环境
Air travel can only benefit the richest people in the world. The ordinary people can get no advantage with the development of air travel. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

The acceleration of aircraft technology has brought significant changes to our lives in recent years. While some people think the whole society benefit a great deal from the air travel, I hold the viewpoint that the merit of air travel benefited by ordinary is less than the drawbacks they received.

Admittedly, there are vast amounts of benefits for the human society with the invention of the plane. It is generally believed that trips taking plane can save tremendous amount of time. It is helpful for businessmen who often squeeze time to negotiate with their clients.
However, there are more unfavorable aspects brought by aircraft, especially for the poor. Firstly, airplane is about to produce a vast number of noise and result in serious air pollution. For the wealthy, they have well-decorated house and air-cleaner which can help them to reduce the effects of noise and air pollution. However, for the poor who still struggles to make a living, the condition of their living facilities is not good enough that they are exposed under these bad effects. Secondly, the development of the aircraft would contribute to unemployment. An increasing number of people prefer to travel by plane; therefore, the employees who work for other transportation, such as train and ship, would lose their jobs due to the decease of the customers, while the airline company need less employees.

In conclusion, though people benefit from the air travel, the ordinary people would benefit less than the wealthy. Because the poor has less opportunities to take plane and they also lack money to protect themselves from the noise and air pollution.

[ 本帖最后由 david_c 于 7-3-2011 23:25 编辑 ]

psd1179 · 发表于 8-3-2011 01:45:50

Air travel can only benefit the richest people in the world. The ordinary people can get no advantage with the development of air travel. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

你一定要学会分析题目。实在不行就翻译成中文仔细想想
这篇文章题目很极端，only， no advantage
显然，你写不同意要比写同意简单而且话题多，这样文章就不会那么没有逻辑，读起来更容易让人理解。

ricowang · 发表于 8-3-2011 10:29:22

The acceleration of aircraft technology has brought significant changes to our lives in recent years.
航空技术加速？航空技术发展加速，或者简单的来说就是航空技术好了，主题和航空业发展和速度好像没有太多直接联系，你后文也未提及速度和你的分析之间有什么关联

hold the viewpoint that the merit of air travel benefited by ordinary is less than the drawbacks they received.
  我不知道这种好处比坏处的写法在英语里面是否允许，不过我觉得按照你后文的思路，直接写，穷人却步的不与此同忍受很多。

  第二段开头很大气，结果内容支撑太少了。就说了一个例子。感觉有点头重脚轻。

they have well-decorated house and air-cleaner which can help them to reduce the effects of noise and air pollution.
... which can protect them from noise and air pollution.  不过我觉得这个例子不是很适合啊，装修来减小噪音？从未听说过，空气清洁的机器用的人也很少吧。最常见的做法，别住在机场附近就好了嘛。这个事情，富人有选择，穷人没有。

An increasing number of people prefer to travel by plane; therefore, the employees who work for other transportation, 感觉有点别扭和不写为：
Since an increse number of people.....不要therefore了

看到LZ很多我自己的影子，为了表述复杂的富有逻辑的观点，而且不能太过罗嗦，句子的长度始终很难控制下来。糟糕的是当句子长度太长的时候，就非常容易犯错了。长句子确实可以写的非常生动优雅，但是考场上没有足够的时间来斟酌，所以最好就是写一些简单句。写简单句要写的漂亮也是一种能力吧，我曾经给VIP老师说，我没法用简单句表达我想要表的意思。。。。

以上意见仅供参考。。。。

yrqin · 发表于 8-3-2011 12:25:06

楼上的两位都给了不少中肯的意见了。

这篇作文确实写得跑题了。

Air travel can only benefit the richest people in the world. The ordinary people can get no advantage with the development of air travel. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

红色是这篇文章的话题，而蓝色是这篇文章要走的的方向（支持或反驳）。从题目看来，要反驳only和no这两个关键字。所以文章的重心应该放在ordinary people 如何benefit from the development of air travel。

举个例子，你可以说1.ordinary people 也可以支付得起机票，尤其是economy class。有时候还能买到特价机票，speical offer。2.ordinary people 也有Air travel的需求，如舒适，快捷等 3.Air travel可以提供越洋旅游的机会，增加见闻 4.Air travel可以促进国际贸易，带来丰富多彩的国际商品，ordinary people 可以拥有更多的购物选择。

这些都可以反驳题目的观点。至于要不要写让步段，如何写让步段，这个是比较次要的了。关键是要恰当回应题目，Task Response几乎可以说是最重要的评分项了。跑题了后果是很严重的。

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