小作文 求 修改。

fht99

冲击四个7，大伙给帮帮忙呀！或者给个哪有修改比较靠谱的高手（reasonable pay）,多谢
Requirements:
You have recently started work in a new company,
Write a letter to an English-speaking friend. In your letter
Explain why you changed jobs
Describe your new job
Tell him/her your other news

Answer：
Dear John,
How is everything going? I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch recently. I’m writing now to let you know I have changed my job lately.
As you know, I have spent several years in my former company where I grow up from a graduate to an assistant engineer and then an engineer. As the time goes by, I become conscious that it is gradually more and more difficult for me to make some progress. So I decided to look for a new job. Fortunately, it only took me not more than two weeks to get an offer from a satisfactory firm.
It is a really great company. Everyone is very friendly. There are so many talented, excellent colleagues from who I can learn a lot. I think it is a greater platform which enables its staff to show their innovations and creativities. I am feeling I made a right choice.
By the way, the new company is a bit further from where I live now. I am going to rent an apartment near my new working place. So it will be much more convenient for me to get there. I’d like to invite to pay a visit to my new house when I settle down.
I look forward to see you.
Best Wishes.

yearshappy

pretty good
the last sentence, ,,,,look forward to seeing ...

bfcatfriends

写得很好

hafa2012

I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch recently～～～～～～～been in表示状态，不能用完时
make some progress～～～～～～～～～～some 换any
show their innovations ~~~~~这好像不是固定搭配，用foster好些
I am feeling I made a right choice.～～～～feel是情态动词，不能用进行时
it will be much more convenient for me to get there～～～两个句子链接的不紧密，建议换成in this way。。。。
I’d like to invite to pay a visit to my new house when I settle down.～～～～invite you。。。。when I have settled down；
I look forward to see you.～～～～～这个扣分很严重，look forward to 后面跟不定式，应该是seeing
目前就看出这么多问题，7分是不可能的

immi_wasser

7分到不了，6分左右。继续加油。

fht99

非常感谢hafa2012的指导
make some progress～～～～～～～～～～some 换any 好建议
show their innovations ~~~~~这好像不是固定搭配，用foster好些 我本意想用share,鬼使神差打成show了，foster 的意思为 to help a skill, feeling, idea etc develop over a period of time [= encourage, promote]，也能说的过去

I am feeling I made a right choice.～～～～feel是情态动词，不能用进行时 网络字典里有个例句She said she had a sore throat and was feeling awful，我也就这样用了，不确定可不可以这样

it will be much more convenient for me to get there～～～两个句子链接的不紧密，建议换成in this way。。。。it前面我加了个so，不过in the way 又多了两个单词

I’d like to invite to pay a visit to my new house when I settle down.～～～～invite you。。。。when I have settled down；这个我也不确定，在这个文章里settle down 这个动作应该是将来时，印象中有些情况将来时应用一般时态表达，记不清了，那位大侠指点迷津

I look forward to see you.～～～～～这个扣分很严重，look forward to 后面跟不定式，应该是seeing严重笔误，自己检查竟然也没有查出来

I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch recently～～～～～～～been in表示状态，不能用完时此话为剑7 P128 考官范文中的原话。应该没错

目前就看出这么多问题，7分是不可能的

[color=Blue]再次感谢回贴及不回贴的朋友们

hafa2012

那最后一条是我错了，，我chinglish了，造成误导，抱歉

PGKTD

colleagues from who I can learn a lot.

我觉得里面的WHO要改为WHOM...写作不到6分的路过...

fht99

who前面有介词的时候，可以用whom，不是一定。根据我的理解 所有whom都可以用who代替，反过来就不行了。个人愚见。

distantmusic

1. I’d like to invite to pay a visit to my new house when I settle down.～～～～invite you。。。。when I have settled down；这个我也不确定，在这个文章里settle down 这个动作应该是将来时，印象中有些情况将来时应用一般时态表达，记不清了，那位大侠指点迷津

when I have settled down is a very good expression, it's sth will happen in the future

2. why don't we say
I'd like to invite you to my new place when I've settled down

3. if workplace is simpler than working place?

4. I’m writing now to let you know I have changed my job (I think now can be removed)

5. I have spent several years in my former company where I grow up from a graduate to an assistant engineer and then an engineer. (grew up?)

6. I become conscious.. (aware?)

fht99

Many thanks for your kind corections.
1.
when I have settled down is a very good expression, it's sth will happen in the future
the subtle difference between "i have settled down"and I settle down" is a bit confusing for me. but your advice is wonderful.

2. why don't we say
I'd like to invite you to my new place when I've settled down
3. if workplace is simpler than working place?

actally, i didn't know about the word WORKPLACE well before. but it is obviously a optimal choice4. I’m writing now to let you know I have changed my job (I think now can be removed)

5. I have spent several years in my former company where I grow up from a graduate to an assistant engineer and then an engineer. (grew up?)
exactly, it should be past tense. someone advise that it better to be I developed myself from.....
6. I become conscious.. (aware?)
I couldn't recognize the difference.

Anyway, thanks again.

distantmusic

标记红色的是要删除掉的词
I’m writing now to let you know I have changed my job lately.

As you know, I have spent several years in (with) my former company where I grow (grew) up from a graduate to an assistant engineer and then an engineer. (where I started as a graduate, then progressed to an assistant engineer, and then an engineer).

As the time goes (went) by, I become (became) conscious (aware) that it is gradually more and more difficult for me to make some (any) progress. So I decided to look for a new job. Fortunately, it only took me not more than two weeks to get an offer from a satisfactory firm.

It is a really great company. Everyone is very friendly. There are so many talented, (and) excellent colleagues from who (whom) I can learn a lot. I think it is a greater platform which enables its staff to share their innovations and creativities. I am feeling (So I feel) I made a (the) right choice.

By the way, the new company is a bit further (away) from where I live now. (So I have decided) I am going to rent an apartment near my new working place (workplace). So it will be much more (It would be much more) convenient for me to get there. I’d like to invite to pay a visit (you) to my new house (place) when I settle
down (I’ve settled in).

The above changes are what my workmate did...He is an Aussie and works for the Government.

我感觉这篇作文的主要问题可以归类为：
1.时态使用
2.句子之间的连接词稍微有些欠缺（比如我同事给增加了几个so）
3.另外同事说working place肯定是错的

[ 本帖最后由 distantmusic 于 4-5-2012 22:51 编辑 ]

yearshappy

原帖由 distantmusic 于 4-5-2012 15:17 发表

                               
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I’m writing now to let you know I have changed my job lately.

As you know, I have spent several years in (with) my former company where I grow (grew) up from a graduate to an assistant engineer an ...

Did you show this to your colleague? Good on you, distantmusic

yearshappy

I would say ... 'I'm going to have a housewarming party'   instead of '.. /pay a visit ...'

KYLIE2008

I wouldn't say "sorry" at the beginning

I haven't seen you for long time...

distantmusic

原帖由 yearshappy 于 4-5-2012 21:13 发表

                               
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Did you show this to your colleague? Good on you, distantmusic

是的，最近在和他学英语

fht99

when I settle
down (I’ve settled in).
这个settled in 改的极为正确

dorolam

1. where I grow up from a graduate -> 应该用过去式grew
2. As the time goes by -> 去掉the，as time goes by是固定俗语
3. I become conscious that it is gradually more and more difficult for me to make some progress -> 太冗长了，重复用词太多。I realised that it gave me less and less career development space.
4. it only took me not more than two weeks to get an offer from a satisfactory firm. -> not 改为no, or 改为it only took me less than two weeks. 另外satisfactory firm也是chinglish，改为satisfaying firm。satisfactory: good or good enough for a particular need or purpose.
satisfying: making you feel pleased by providing what you need or want.
(出自 Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary.)
5. innovations and creativities,抽象概念都是不可数名次。但是innovation作为革新、创新的意思来讲，是不可数的。但作为新方法、新制度、新事物的意思来讲是可数的。证据话听起来很别扭，个人觉得可以改为：I think it is a greater platform which ecnourages innovation and creativity.
献丑！

fht99

1. where I grow up from a graduate -> 应该用过去式grew     
2. As the time goes by -> 去掉the，as time goes by是固定俗语
3. I become conscious that it is gradually more and more difficult for me to make some progress -> 太冗长了，重复用词太多。I realised that it gave me less and less career development space. I'd like to use "I realised that it was difficult for me to make further progress."
4. it only took me not more than two weeks to get an offer from a satisfactory firm. -> not 改为no, or 改为it only took me less than two weeks. 另外satisfactory firm也是chinglish，改为satisfaying firm。satisfactory: good or good enough for a particular need or purpose. Satisfactory is really not proper here. however , a native English speaker suggest "a firm that I am satisfied with." he just said he preferred to that.
satisfying: making you feel pleased by providing what you need or want.
(出自 Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary.)
5. innovations and creativities,抽象概念都是不可数名次。但是innovation作为革新、创新的意思来讲，是不可数的。但作为新方法、新制度、新事物的意思来讲是可数的。证据话听起来很别扭，个人觉得可以改为：I think it is a greater platform which ecnourages innovation and creativity.how careful are you ! YOU RULE!
innovation  
[countable]        a new idea, method, or invention
[uncountable]        the introduction of new ideas or methods: actually , i never knew the subtle difference about this word.

献丑！

Thanks a million.