我的第一篇雅思作文，懇請高手批改指教

fhxy

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, there is a hot topic discussed by people that children should be encouraged to have a sense of competition or taught to co-operate.

People may encourage children to compete with others so that children may have progress. If children have a sense of competition, they will know they should work hard. In the future, they will have nice results in the exam, good schools to choose and have the subjects they fond of. Even they can find their ideal job. If children’s parents do not tell them to do compete with others, they will have no dynamic and goals to study. If children recognize the importance of competition, they will be prepared to enter into the society, which is the basis of having a good quality of life. On the other hand, co-operation is for the further competition. For instance, there may be several members in a team, but their final aim is to compete with other firms.

Competition is important, which let us know who the best one in a competition is. And it gives us a direction that which one should be chosen. But I still find that co-operation is more significant than competition. As there have much competition in the world, people may feel more and more pressure. For example, the athletes must work hard to win the golden metal. Otherwise, they may lose the sponsorship. Thus, they will have much pressure because they have many fans’ hope. It may even lead to the athletes to eat stimulant that break the rules of Games.

Co-operation also has its advantages. Victory is not everything; there is much pleasure in it. Co-operation may deepen the members’ friendship and privities. In recent years, more and more projects are group work. As people recognize the importance of co-operation, there are more and more partnerships and joint ventures. Therefore, co-operation plays an essential role within it.

To conclude, children are taught to co-operate is more useful than competition when they become adults. They will not have so much pressure and learn a lot.

[ 本帖最后由 fhxy 于 11-1-2010 01:56 编辑 ]

我的霍巴特

好。5.5分有了。。。

fhxy

没关系，继续努力

ich_rock

从lz的观点出发，即支持合作精神。

第一段，引题，摆出两方观点。但不要给出自己的观点。只要说一句，“对于这个问题，目前没有绝对的论断”。
然后第二三段分别来写这两方面，但是建议lz把不支持的那个观点放在后面写做为让步段。

第二段：较支持的
On one hand, 一些人支持孩子要有合作精神。举例说明有合作精神的好处, 列举两点或三点。再写没有合作精神会有什么坏处。列举一点。

第三段：较不支持的
On the other hand，也有人argue that 孩子应该有些竞争力，因为竞争力会加快孩子的进步。（这里说竞争力的好处仅仅是让步作用的，为的还是要突出你较不支持的观点）。然后马上话锋一转，“However，过多的竞争力会给孩子很大的压力， 影响他们的身心健康。”， 然后据例子就瞎编一个新闻报告说”近期有报告指出，有80％的孩子会对竞争的压力感到恐惧“。

第四段：
总结，"To sum up, 综上所述 , it is not easy to draw an absolute conclusion. 适当的压力会帮助孩子进步，然而合作精神可以让孩子学到更多。“然后别忘还要放眼一下未来，再补充一句”我们的政府和家长应该鼓励孩子多合作“。


一点点心得，希望对你有帮助。

[ 本帖最后由 ich_rock 于 11-1-2010 23:57 编辑 ]

ich_rock

lz的结构再明朗一下，层次清晰一点，一些小词替换一下（网上可以搜一下“雅思写作 100个同义词替换")，再搜一下”雅思写作高分句型“，不用全用上，熟练记住一两个就行。应该可以拿6分的。

fhxy

原帖由 ich_rock 于 11-1-2010 23:33 发表

                               
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lz的结构再明朗一下，层次清晰一点，一些小词替换一下（网上可以搜一下“雅思写作 100个同义词替换")，再搜一下”雅思写作高分句型“，不用全用上，熟练记住一两个就行。应该可以拿6分的。

万分感谢，我会照你的建议去修改，加油！

ich_rock

别客气, 写作我总结了一点点心得. 希望对你有帮助.
http://www.freeoz.org/bbs/thread-878415-1-1.html